You make me sad . . .

So before I get on to blogging about the activities of the past week, I need to record some of my thoughts. Maybe some of my experiences and insights will be of some benefit to someone else reading this, but mostly I just want to blab for my own benefit.

For about the past year, I really feel as if I've been struggling with . . . myself. I've just felt a little off. Not feeling motivated, spiritual, patient . . . and lots of other things. Just a little weird. I've thought that there was something wrong with me and granted, I wasn't doing all the spiritual things that I know I need to be doing either - it's kind of a vicious cycle. I've called my poor mom several times over the past year, lamenting my weaknesses - particularly in being a mother. I've seriously felt as if I'm going nuts at times. I'm SO impatient, so angry sometimes, so irritable. I've genuinely felt like such a failure at times. I've worried that my attitude is really affecting my children and the way that they view themselves.

Now, before someone thinks they should call Child Protection Services, every once in a while I get a grip on reality and I can look within myself and see that I really am being a bit melodramatic, but at the same time a mother carries a great responsibility. It's not something to take lightly and at times, I have seen signs of stress in the things that they're doing and I know that most of that stems from me. The other day, I was having a hard time - mostly just being overloaded. We had been to Home Depot for about the 10th time in 3 days and I had a million things to still do and several people who were needing me to do things for them and I just wasn't handling it well. Taking 3 children to Home Depot and then going grocery shopping at Winco afterward is NOT once of my favorite things to do - especially at lunch time. Anyway, the girls were kind of boobing about wanting to go home and being hungry and tired. Mostly they just kept talking and talking and asking SO many questions and having SO many opinions. And I was being snappy and annoyed (and annoying). I finally got a hold of myself enough to realize I was being irrational and irritable with 3 little people who had been pretty patient with me that day as I dragged them all over the place. I finally turned around and told them, "Girls. Mommy is having a hard time. I'm being ornery and you guys are really being very good and you were very good at the store. Mommy has a problem and needs time out. I really need some quiet time, Please. Mommy is being naughty." Hazel sat quietly for a minute, thinking and then asked, "Mommy, if we are being good, why are you mad?" I told her it's because Mommy has a problem. But it illustrates how they view my attitude. When I'm having a hard time (as much from internal things as external) and I'm being ornery, they really think it's because of them. And when mommy is irritable a LOT, they think they are bad. That it's their fault. I've caught myself telling them to calm down. Basically telling them, "You need to get control of yourself, because if you don't, I can't control myself." What a ridiculous thing to tell a child. I have repeatedly lectured on how the only person in control of our feelings is us. How, no matter what your sister or anyone else is doing, you choose how you feel and how you act. And then mommy turns around and does the exact opposite. If there is one realization that I've come to that has been particularly hard it's that, the way that they treat one another, the way that they react to stress, is a mirror of the way I act and react.

It can feel so devastating to realize something - try to change it - and then keep doing it over and over again anyway. Especially when that thing (or many things) has so much impact on those you love the most. On those who you have so much responsibility for. Who look to you for everything. Devastating to realize that with the thing you love the most - the thing you want to do more than anything else - you are a huge failure. You have absolutely no power to do better, or to make any change. Because you've tried. You've tried with everything in you to do better and you keep messing it up anyway. You keep being irritable, ornery, sort-tempered, snappy, angry. And not only those things - there a million other things that you are doing and trying to be better at, and you keep failing at those things too. I've felt as Nephi (in the Book of Mormon) "O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me."

I've thought about this a lot over the past year. My wretchedness. :) It's something I've been learning pretty steadily since I was a teenager, and particularly since having children. And do you want to know where it leads me (if I allow it)? (Probably not, but I'm going to tell you anyway. ha ha!)

These words have been running through my mind the past week.

C. S. Lewis wrote that as we begin to mature spiritually,
"we begin to notice, besides our particular sinful acts, our sinfulness; we begin to be alarmed not only about what we do, but about what we are. This may sound rather difficult, so I will try to make it clear from my own case. When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity. I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to mind is that the provocation [against me] was so sudden and unexpected: I was caught off my guard, I had not time to collect myself. Now that may be an extenuating circumstance as regards those particular acts: they would obviously be worse if they had been deliberate and premeditated. On the other hand, surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth . . .
If there were rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man: it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am . . . And if (as I said before) what we are matters even more than what we do --- if, indeed, what we do matters chiefly as evidence of what we are --- then it follows that the change which I most need to undergo is a change that my own direct, voluntary efforts cannot bring about . . . I cannot, by direct, moral effort, give myself new motives. After the fist few steps in the Christian life we realize that everything which really needs to be done in our souls can be done only by God." (Mere Christianity, 164-165)

I've been trying to change myself. I can't. And as hard as the past year has been in some ways - particularly in not feeling as close to the Lord as I'd like, I think it's been a gift from the Lord. If I never felt discontent, or uneasy; if I were never floundering and struggling, why would I ever feel there was any need to change? To humble myself? To progress? To become better? I need to renew my efforts and keep trying - even when I fail.

That is such an important part of the Atonement. We fail. Even when we try REALLY hard. But it's okay. The Lord forgives us. The Lord will change us - but that change can take a LONG TIME. I just pray that he will make amends for that in the mean time.

Nephi continued, "And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support . . . " (2 Nephi 4:17-20)

Why the Lord sends precious, innocent little children to morons - I'll never genuinely understand, but how anyone could become like God without them, is beyond me. How else would you see how flawed you are?

A few days ago I was putting the girls to sleep. We had had a rough day and (for once) I wanted to at least make sure that we ended the day nicely. Usually I'm in too big a hurry to get them in bed as fast as possible and just start over the next day. I'm just so worn out. However that day, I decided to lay down next to Hazel for a few minutes and snuggle her and talk to her. She was so worn out, she fell asleep pretty fast as I sang her a couple of songs. After she was asleep, I went and laid down next to Lilie. I knew she wouldn't fall asleep while I was laying there with her, but I wanted to have a chance to talk to her before we ended the day. I sang her a song and then told her how much I love her and what a good girl she is. I told her, "Lilie, you make me so happy." She then laid her sweet, soft, warm little hand on my face, smiled at me and said, "You make me sad." (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((sigh)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Even writing it, I still get emotional. That little stinker! Now that is one kid that knows how to get to you. I started crying (of course) and we had a good talk about how I love her, even when I make her sad. ((((((((sigh))))))))) What a little pill. :) She's so silly.

Anyway. This has been a really long blog, but as I said, this is really more for me than anyone else. I just wanted to express my love for my Savior. For his atonement that can redeem me - even from myself. I'm feeling better than I have in quite a while and I know that the Lord will help me. I noticed that one of the most important things that I can do to be a better mom is to laugh more. To simplify and enjoy the ride.

Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal,

is going to waste a lot of time running

around shouting that he has been robbed.

The fact is that most putts don't drop,

most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people,

most successful marriages require

a high degree of mutual toleration,

most jobs are more often dull than otherwise.

Life is like an old time rail journey,

delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts,

interspersed only occasionally by

beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.

The trick is to
thank the Lord
for letting you have the ride.

~Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley~