Practice

Pretty much since moving into this house, I have been in a weird funk.

I love living here. I love the area. I love the people. I love the house. I love my family and I love the time that we've been able to regain as a family since moving here. I am happy.

At the same time, I've had this crazy underlying tension, always lying in wait for when I get too tired or too hormonal or . . . something.

I am trying to do everything. And I can't.

And it's really frustrating.

I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to make sure that the priorities of my life are in the right order. I'm trying to maintain a home with seven people. I clean and I clean and I clean and I wash and fold and wash. I love it and sometimes I feel like my children are the sloppiest people on earth and sometimes I nag my husband because he doesn't see the "to-do's" the way I do and sometimes I take a Sunday afternoon nap and regret it for the next two days because of all I should have gotten done instead of sleeping for 4 hours while the children threw popcorn kernels and cut-up pieces of paper all over the house. Some days I work from before sun-up until well after everyone else in the house is asleep. And it's still not all done.

But mostly I just love it.

I love the process of figuring things out. I truly don't find my role as Homemaker monotonous. I'm just practicing over and over and over and over and over again, trying to figure it out like a chemical reaction or something. Do I find the never-ending laundry monotonous? Yes. Do I find the phrase, "Put away your backpack and shoes, in the closet, with the door closed." monotonous? Yes. But that's just part of my job. Not THE job.

My problem is that, like a chemical reaction or a math equation, I seem to think that I'm going to figure it out some day. (Like, today.) And I can't seem to do it.

And it's making me crazy.

I want to be able to
manage the physical, social, psychological, and spiritual needs of five people all under the age of 9
manage our schedules - without forgetting things like dr. appts, activities, field trips, church functions
maintain basic order in a home where 7 people live
make menus and budgets that are balanced and economical
have a beautiful yard, because I love gardening
blog several times a week, because I love it and I don't want to forget and I love it
read the scriptures daily, because I truly want to grow closer to the Savior
pray (regularly) with real purpose, for my children, for Nels, for me, for my friends and family, for my calling
exercise, lose baby weight and feel strong again
actually sit down during the day
make time to have fun with my family
actually sit down during the day
make things, via yarn, fabric, paint, etc.

and to top it all off, along with my large family, I also keep adding more living things into my life in the form of fish and birds and plants that also need care and attention and maintenance. (what is WRONG with me?!!!)

And I feel like I'm failing.

I don't know how to fit it all in.

Go ahead. Ask me about it. I'll probably burst into tears right before your eyes. It's happened a couple of times now with near strangers. It's awesome.

I cried to my mom about it this morning. For a long time. She told me that she understood exactly how I felt. She told me that while she does try to make time to pray on her knees, most of the time she prays on her feet or while driving in the car.

She told me that I'm doing a good job.

And it made me actually feel better. Because she was speaking the truth.

She reminded me that Heavenly Father sends perfect children to dummies all over the world, that's part of his plan. It's a process, an important process. One that takes a L.O.N.G. time. And she reminded me that only Satan tells me I'm not doing good enough.

I just need to tell him to get off of my back. (and sometimes I do. literally.)

And I felt the truth in her words when she told me that I don't have to be perfect.

I still don't know how to fit all the important things that I want into my life, but my mama reminded me that it's just practice. I'm doing a good job.

And the desires of our hearts count for a lot.

All Flowers Remind Me of You...

How amazing to live somewhere where my favorite flower grows spontaneously every Spring!

I love, love, love lupine. They are blooming abundantly in every field around town.

I can't get enough of their purple spires.

Eleven Days

{{{sigh}}}

That's always a good way to start off a blog post.

double {{{sigh}}}

Nels left for New York last Monday --- as in, LAST week Monday. Eleven days is a long time. - Especially this time of the year when - why isn't the school year over yet? I've never lived anywhere where we didn't finish up school before Memorial Day.

We still have until the 13th of JUNE. Who does that??? Amber claims it's because Spring is so rainy and Fall is so beautiful, they want to let the kids have summer vacation when it's prettiest.

I think they're just sadists.

The girls are tired. I'm tired. School needs to be done and the last two days I haven't even really pushed them to get their homework done. Who cares about homework.

I've missed Nels a lot. Alotalot. And it's not just that when you're running solo with five kids under the age of 9 everything takes at least 3 times as long (because you don't have that extra set of eyeballs to stop Violet from dumping sugar all over Clara's tray and the floor and then swimming in it while Clara eats it . . . twice) and it's not just because Nels is really awesome at getting the kids breakfast --- and I hate breakfast.

It's because he's my bestie. And I really love him.

But tonight, it's mostly just because I'm really tired. Tomorrow it will be because I really, really, really love him. But tonight I'm just tired.

Lunch with my Little Lady

Being the middle child can be a tough place in a family.

Elsie holds that spot in every sense of the term. Hazel and Lilie are 18 months apart. Violet and Clara are 18 months apart. Elsie is 2 1/2 years from Lilie and 2 1/2 years from Violet, 4 years younger than Hazel and 4 years older than Clara. And to top it off, they're all girls -- so there's not even gender as a varying factor.

Smack. Dab. In. The. Middle.

She's not really one of the "little girls" and she's not really one of the "big girls". Luckily, she's got enough spunk to shine brightly in her place. She is sweet and nurturing and sassy and fun. She definitely doesn't "fly under the radar." :)

However, with the craziness of the last few months --- having two babies, on top of moving and unpacking --- I have felt that at times I have overlooked some of her needs. - Because she is so easy-going.

So, last month, I took advantage of the excuse of my birthday and decided to pamper us both with some one-on-one time and a Fancy Lunch Date the Friday before. Nels came home for lunch and Elsie and I got all dressed up in our finest, with jewelry and make-up and fancy hair. Elsie wore her purple princess dress and her pretty gloves and I actually pulled out one of my old dresses that my incredible mother made for me in high school for a formal dance. (And before you all rise up in indignation that I actually FIT in one of my high school dresses - I'll just tell you that the term "fit" is used VERY loosely. There were a couple "under cardigan" alterations. {{wink}})

Having Elsie to dress up with was super fun, because I didn't feel conspicuous at all. I could direct all the attention to the fact that my DAUGHTER and I were having a fancy date. For HER. :) It was great.

We headed downtown to my now-favorite restaurant in town, Trinity. It's so gorgeous - right on the beach and a perfect view across the lake - and all of the food is both unique and SO delicious!

As we were waiting for our food, we colored, chatted away, and admired the scenery. As I was watching the seagulls, I realized that one of them wasn't a seagull, but a bald eagle catching fish. So cool.

Elsie enjoying her huckleberry lemonade.

As we finished our lunch, we decided that we MUST order dessert as well. Elsie REALLY enjoyed the Chocolate Mousse Cake a`la mode. :)

I felt about the same way as she did. It was amazing. :)

Thank you so much, Elsie, for being my special little lady. For allowing your mommy to be a princess with you. For being my friend. I love you, my darling girl!

A Heavenly Happy Birthday

I turned thirty last month.

The big 3-0. Weird. Oh well, I figure with five kids, it's probably about time, right? :)

For my birthday this year, I just really wanted to keep things low-key. That's really how I like things best. Too much hype, feels like too much work, ya know? I didn't even care about a cake. Nels asked if I wanted him to make me one, but I told him no. If we had time, we'd do it. And if we didn't, there were going to be a lot of other days that I'd still be thirty and we could have cake then. (We ended up making one later that week.)

April 22nd fell on a Sunday. A beautiful, warm, perfect spring Sunday. I had been watching the weather all week because all I really wanted to do was go for a drive. An adventure. I wanted to explore Priest Lake, which is about 55 miles NW of Sandpoint. Sunday came and it was the prettiest day we'd had all year.

It was like a birthday present from Lord.

After Stake Conference, we came home and made Cafe Rio style pork salads (YUM) and then headed out mid-afternoon.

One tired little Chickita Bonita.

As we neared Priest Lake I was reminded of how different from Southern Idaho and Utah the terrain is here in Northern Idaho. Everywhere else I've lived, once you get pretty close to something, you can see it and find your way to where you want to go --- which in this case was a beach where we could dip our toes in the lake. However, around these part, the trees and the underbrush are so thick, if you don't know where you're going . . . well . . .

I knew we were close to the lake and I'd looked at maps before, so I had a rough idea of where I wanted to go. I followed a sign off the highway, directing toward a marina. We wound our way through the woods for mile after mile. I knew the lake HAD to be close, but we couldn't even glimpse it. After a few kookoo dirt roads, we finally found it - in a strange little steep-sided and shady cove that definitely was not a place to play in the water. Weird. And really frustrating after taking about a 20 minute detour to get there.

It was getting later in the afternoon by then and so I finally asked Nels to pull out his phone and see if he could navigate us toward somewhere to play.

Well, he directed us down a long series of dirt roads, guaranteeing that it had "to be just around the corner." :) However, every time we could actually see a strip of beach, it was private property (much like the lake shore here in Sandpoint). I was getting frustrated. REALLY frustrated and the kids were getting really restless and antsy. I just felt like I'd wasted my whole birthday afternoon.

As we came upon another dead end and were getting ready to turn around, a man in his driveway called out to Nels, wondering if we needed some help. I told him we really had no idea where we were going and were just trying to get out of here. :) He gave us some directions, like "turn left at the purple mailbox, go on past the grey house, then take about seven rights." LOL!  (Yeah. We would have been wandering for quite a while on our own.) Then he asked us what it was that we were looking for anyway. I explained that we were really just looking for a place that we could let our kids play in the water.

He paused for a moment, looking us over, and then asked if we'd like to play at their beach.

REALLY?

He was so nice. He showed us where we could park and then introduced himself to us and our kiddos. As we visited for a moment, with me gushing about how grateful I was for his offer, his wife walked over and introduced herself as well. Kevin and Judy. She then pointed to our license plate and asked if we were from Idaho Falls. I told her, "We recently moved from Idaho Falls to this area, but obviously you are, if you know which county is 8B." :)

Over the next couple of minutes we found that Judy grew up in Idaho Falls and Kevin was raised in Bountiful. They are members of the Church and had been to Stake Conference right down the street from our house that weekend.

Seriously. What are the odds of THAT happening? Down a dusty, dirt road - with about twenty wrong turns - the only person who was even outside, let alone nice enough to ask us if we needed help, offers to let us play at their house and just happens to be a member of the Church. Probably one of the only members of the Church in the whole Priest Lake area.

We were introduced to Judy's parents and had a wonderful time visiting with them before going with the kids to play at their absolutely GORGEOUS beach. I swear, they've got to have one of the prettiest locations on the whole lake.

We all had such a wonderful afternoon. Kevin and Judy not only were SO generous - giving the girls juice and letting them track sand into their home for potty breaks :) - but they were so fun to get to know and invited us back to visit any time we want -- making sure that we had their phone number before we left.

What wonderful people.

I know that they may think it was a small thing that they did for us that day, but to me, it was one of those tender mercies from the Lord. As we left their home, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of love from my Heavenly Father - as if he was telling me Happy 30th Birthday -- from the beautiful Spring sunshine to the beauty of the mountain lake to the kind generosity and love from true disciples of Jesus Christ.

Nels asked me, as we were leaving, "So if you could do anything you wanted for your birthday, if money wasn't really an object, what would you want to do?"

I told him, without even really having to think about it, "Exactly what we did today. It was perfect."

Day 13: Thirteen Things --- And the Long Bridge

Oh, it was a gloriously successful and beautiful day!

The girls helped me clean all morning long. I promised each of them a dollar. :) They are amazing.

It was so sweet and unusual. They were in the best moods about it (mostly). :) Lilie loved helping. - which is not always the case. :) It was a lot of work to manage my little cleaning crew, but well worth it. I felt as though they could just "feel the love" as they served and worked. That kind feeling just carried me through the rest of the day.

When we finished, we ran some errands and then took a bike ride across the Long Bridge. The weather was perfect and the girls were delightful.

Gonna have to come back and play in this perfect little strip of sand next week.

Having my three oldest all on bikes and then having the bike trailer, I couldn't help but sing, "Doe, a deer, a female deer..." Ah. Good for my heart.

The only downer was that Clara (was tired and) thinks Violet is truly terrifying. She cried every time Vi would look at her sideways, let alone the fact that Violet just kept wanting to love on her and hold her hand. Clara was quite put out about it all. :)

Elsie is working hard on learning to ride a two-wheeler. She'll have it down in the next week for sure. She did such a great job at keeping up with everyone the entire time. She's the cutest little thing and I have to remind her the entire time to not tell every passing runner or bicyclist our life's story. :)

For Day 13 the photo challenge topic is "Yourself with 13 Things". Really hard for some reason. Well here you are, 13 sort-of visible appendages. :)

Day 12: Sunset

Dusk in Sandpoint is . . . calm, peaceful. The perfect end to the day.

Maybe it's all in my head or maybe it's the tilt of the earth and how far north we are, but evening seems to come on more slowly here. It feels like it lasts longer. And even after the sun finally sets, it stays light and glowy for a while.

I love it.

It was warm today - above 85 - and so the house was hot come bedtime. Thankfully as the sun sets, it cools quickly and I threw open the windows.

The older girls were in bed and as I sat down on the couch to feed Clara her bottle in the dark, quiet house a wave of cool evening air seemed to wash straight down off the still-snow-capped mountains behind our house and across the two of us.

I was completely overcome with how amazing it smelled. Like springtime and pine. Earthy and perfect.

Each night at dusk Venus shows up, blazing in all her glory, setting just above the mountains -- although it's getting lower and lower each week and I'm sure will soon no longer be visible.

The frogs also come out each night. Calling to one another, all across the valley. The deer, owls, and bats also come out as the light fades.

I am absolutely in love with Sunset in Sandpoint. It's my favorite time of the day.

Not a fabulous photo, but I keep forgetting - and this way you catch a little glimpse of Venus before she sets.

One Down...

Today I am so grateful that I am not a single parent to five children.

This morning at 4:00, Nels left for NYC. he will be gone until next Thursday. ---As in, a week from Thursday.

While I'm no stranger to holding down the fort, this stretch feels especially long. Two full weeks of school.

I've been bummed all day. I'm not going to lie. I feel weird.

Nels texted me: "I just landed in Minneapolis."

I replied: "I just cleaned up poop."

Nels texted me: "I just landed in NYC!"

I replied: "I just finished cleaning my new makeup off of your daughter's arms, legs, and belly."

At dinner time, I cleaned the kitchen so that I could make dinner. After dinner and putting the children to bed, I cleaned the kitchen so that I can make breakfast in the morning. :)

Today has been a long day. I finally finished my "chores" at 11:00 pm. And I only was able to cross off one thing that I had on my list today.

Clean kitchen.

And even then, I wasn't sure I should even cross it off, since in the morning, it will return. :)

Now, while this post is really starting to be a downer, I want you to know that the day was definitely not a downer.

It never is, when I take the time to look into the faces of these little mess-makers and remember why I love my job.

Tonight I took the time to talk with and to listen to my older girls as they spoke of their desire to be faithful and strong. They told me of their desire to be an example and to keep the commandments of God. I told them how valiant they are.

Tonight Violet insisted on wearing her "naken" (apron).

Tonight Clara wanted me to hold her.

And I did.

Tonight I am ready for bed.

I just heard Vi open her bedroom door...

Mother's Day 2012 - Dear Mom . . .

A sweet day spent with my favorite people on earth.

We went for a stunning drive to Hope and then Beyond Hope. :) When all you people come visit us this summer, we'll take you there. You'll love it. Beyond Hope. Ha ha ha!

Few things remind me of being a little girl more than the feeling of curlers in my hair. :)

I'm so thankful to be a mother. It is the greatest blessing I have ever known.

I am eternally grateful for the mother I was blessed with. My greatest wish in life is to be the kind of woman that she is.

~~~~~~~~~~

I love you, Mom. Thank you for being my example and my friend. You are beautiful, kind, and strong. Thank you for teaching me that true strength, kindness, and beauty come from not only within, but from Jesus Christ. I have never known a truer disciple of Christ than you.

I consider myself among the luckiest 6 people alive, to call you Mother. Thank you for teaching me what love is.

I'm so sorry that I didn't get to call you today. As I put curlers in my own hair and then rolled them into Violet's, you were on my mind the entire time. And as I lay soaking in the sunshine this afternoon, I thought of you. And when Nels rolled the windows down while we were driving and I had to ask him to roll them back up, not because I was hot, but because I hate the breeze across my arms, I wished you were here.

I love you. Happy Mother's Day.

Day 11: Something Blue

As you may know, I really love fish.

Growing up, my mom had several different aquariums and I've loved them ever since.

When I was pregnant with Lilie, I got our first fish tank. We just had a few fish that I'd picked up at Walmart. Nels thought I was silly.

"Fish are the stupidest pet ever." He told me. I tried to explain to him that fish aren't really a "pet" like a dog. They're not meant to be. He stuck by his opinion.

A few years later, he bought me a bigger aquarium for our anniversary. :) He loves me.

Last year, as he was watching my fish and their newly hatched fry, he told me, "You know, I'd never own them myself, but I can see why you like them so much. It's like you are creating your own little world in there."

Ahhhhh . . . sweet validation. :)

When we moved last year, I sold all my fish. It was a sad day and to say that I "sold" them is really not true. I gave them all away to a person that I'm not even sure he knew how to take care of them well enough to have them last a week . . . I was a little bit heartbroken. However, I'd had a baby two days before and we were moving in about a week.

Nearly eight months later, I finally got my tank set up again and I've been so happy with it. I went with some beautiful fish called discus and I'm loving it. I'm still working on getting it fully stocked, but so far, so good. These fish are a bit more high maintenance than anything I've had before, but with some work and some prayers, they seem to be doing really well. :)

So. Photo Challenge.

My most recent BLUE crush.

Gripe

I've decided it's time to grow up.

I've decided to start getting up at around 6:00 every morning to read the scriptures, pray, and have a few moments to plan out my day.

Yesterday Clara woke up around 5:45, but it was fine. She's cute and once fed, not overly distracting while I take a little me-time.

This morning, ALL of my kids were awake at 5:30. With the excuse that "it's light outside!"

Grrr.

What does a person have to do to have 30 minutes of alone time in the morning to breathe before the day begins??? I have a really hard time not being able to start the day on my own terms.

And what am I going to do as the summer progresses and the sun rises at 4:30 in the morning???

What is this crazy place??? And what is wrong with my children???

I'm going to have to start going to the gym in the morning, just to get away . . .

. . . but when do I get to take care of the other important things?

Maybe I'll just have to hide in the car or something.

Anyone have any information about how to get your little kids to know when it REALLY "morning"?

"I've been trying to cure it for forty years, and have only succeeded in controlling it. I am angry nearly every day of my life, Jo; but I have learned not to show it; and I still hope to learn not to feel it, though it may take another forty years to do so."


~Little Women

Day 10 - Childhood Memory

I started my "photo challenge" on February 7th. Today is May 7th. Three months, huh? and I'm only on day 10. :)

Oh well. I guess I'm just being true to character. It would probably shock the senses of all people close to me and cause them to start questioning the consistency of the world around them if I were to do anything different.

Taking four times longer to complete a project than normal people do. 

Story of my life.

Maybe when my kids are grown, it will only take me twice as long ------- it's something to shoot for anyway, right? {wink}

So the assignment for day 10 is "Childhood Memory". 

In the house where I grew up, my dad had an enormous shop on the back of the garage. It was nearly always a mess (which I'm sure was not entirely the fault of my dad OR entirely the fault of his children) and always filled with lots of fun things to get hurt on or with. :) (just ask Ben about the time when he lost several fingers on my dad's table saw)

I think I followed my dad around a lot. I'm sure I was totally in his way, but I loved just being with him as he changed the oil or cleaned up the garage. I have lots of fond memories of watching my dad in his shop - either building something, fixing something, welding something, or maybe just puttering around. :) It always smelled like metal and sawdust.

My dad was also really good about "letting" us use his stuff. ---- Well, he probably wasn't around most of the time when we were doing it and really would have preferred if we didn't get into his tools and then leave them out --- and I'm sure that he had other plans for most of the wood that we cut to pieces . . . but I don't actually ever remember him getting mad at us for making things. :) So I'm going to remember that he was awesome about letting us use his tools. :)

One summer, Jake and I decided that we were going to make treasure boxes. We drew up plans, measured and cut all the pieces, glued, nailed, and sanded them together. I can remember riding our bikes downtown to get hinges and locks for them from the local hardware store.

I've kept mine (and I know I've seen Jake's too) through all the years - probably close to twenty now. Every time I see it, I'm reminded of my little brother and how much I love him. How thankful I am for all the years of fighting and playing we had as children. So many of my best childhood memories are filled with him. (Recently, I've started telling the girls stories about when I was a kid - they ask for the ones featuring Jake over and over again.)

Over the years my box has truly become a treasure box, of sorts. It's become the keeping place for many of my teenage memories. It carries notes passed in class, cards attached to roses that were left on my car while I was at work, my first driver's license, concert tickets from MxPx and Gladys Knight, silly fortunes from countless cookies from Wok Lin, letters and trinkets from dear friends and missionaries that imagined I was going to wait for them while they were on their missions.

The box smells like "Tommy" cologne, from the little sample vial that I kept and sometimes sprayed on my pillow in high school to remind me of my boyfriend, Jaron. A ticket stub from our first date and under the lid remains a stick figure drawing burned into the wood, of Jaron and I holding hands (4-EVER). :) Put there, by him, on perhaps our three month anniversary? :) It holds a teacup from my grandmother's china, a Ricks College sticker that was enclosed with my acceptance letter, and tiny seashells I collected from Laguna Beach while on my Senior Trip two days after graduating from BHS.

The outside sports a "Semper Fi" sticker, collected from Marine recruits with my teenage BFF, Caroline, and a Toadies sticker Nels gave me when we were dating.

My box actually carries very few reminders from anything or anyone later than 2002 and in that way has become a bit of a time capsule. A place dedicated to Rachel Emily Moon. Not to wish for the past, but to remember that part of me.

Two summers ago I decided to make some boxes with my big girls. As the years pass I hope to make one for each of my little ladies. 

Everybody needs a place to keep those things that are perhaps not important to anyone else, but carry little pieces of the person you have become.

Our Wild Life in the Great North

I grew up in rural Utah. I'm not unused to seeing deer.

I'm not one of those people that go to Yellowstone and have to stop for every chipmunk or buffalo they see.

But I must say, the amount and proximity of the wildlife in Northern Idaho is still surprising to me.

On one section of the highway from Sandpoint to Missoula, they actually have electronic signs warning people of the bighorn sheep that may be on the road. We've yet to drive past when the sheep weren't there.

Terrible picture, I know. But you get the point.

I've heard several people in our ward talk about bears getting into their garbage or glimpsing them as they bike up to the ski resort and then there are the ever-present deer. Everywhere. Do you ever get used to deer playing in the field across the street while you ride bikes with your kids? Or hopping across the road as you walk to get your kids from the bus stop? How about eating grass in the field behind your house while your kids jump on the trampoline in the backyard?

It's just a funny sight.

However, NOT as funny as what our kids practice at school.

In Utah, they always talk about the next big earthquake. "It could happen any day and we live right on the fault line." So from elementary school on, we had earthquake drills. And of course the occasional fire drill. Probably typical for most of you reading this. Nowadays, thanks to psychos, they also practice "Lock-Downs".

When the girls began school here in Sandpoint they came home one day saying they had to have "Inside Recess" that day. It wasn't snowing, so I asked them why.

Hazel: "There was a Moose Alert."

me: "What?"

Hazel: "A Moose Alert."

me: "What is a Moose Alert?"

Hazel: "It's when we can't go outside for recess because there's a moose by the school."

me: "Are you serious?"

Hazel: "Yes! The lunch ladies said that one time they saw one looking in the lunch room windows!"


About a months later, Nels forwarded me some pictures that a friend in our ward took on his way to work that morning.

Just a mama and two "babies" roaming around outside our apartment building.

Hazel came home from school that morning and told me that her teacher (who lived right down the street from us) was late getting to school that day because the mama moose was outside her front door when she needed to leave for school and when she went to the back door, one of the babies was there. :)

At Book Club, one of the ladies was talking about how that mama moose actually gave birth to those two calves in her front yard last year! :)

However, not everyone thinks this situation is as laughable as I do . . .

A couple weeks ago, the girls came home from school and told me they'd had a Moose Alert again that day and weren't able to go outside for morning recess. A minute or so later as I was thinking about it, I started chuckling. When Hazel asked me what I was laughing about I told her,

"It's just funny -- that you have Moose Alerts at your school."

H: "Why is that funny?"

M: "I don't know. It's just funny. Other kids have Fire Drills and Earthquake Drills and you guys have Moose Alerts. I think that's kind of hilarious."

H: "I don't think that's funny, Mom. Moose are very dangerous."