Where the Heart Lies

In August, when we found we were to be moving homes again, I was stressed. With the shortage of larger-ish homes in Sandpoint, I had reason to be. I kept looking and looking - praying that a perfect home in the right price range would surface.

A couple of days into the search, Nels asked me if I'd considered moving into something smaller and cheaper (which are far more available). Flashes of living in a tiny 3 bedroom apartment with our four wild girls and brand new baby flipped through my mind - along with a flood of the stress of that crazy time. My annoyed answer to his question make me smile and remembering the tears that followed make me laugh right out loud.

Sometimes I think, when faced with a new dilemma, I ought to just sit and think of what I'd like to do the least and then just go with that first. I think it would save me a lot of time. :) My mom always told me, "Never say never." The taste of "nevers" in my mouth has gotten pretty familiar over the years. :) Lucky for me, most of those nevers have turned out pretty well. 

After exhausting all the other avenues and having only a couple more days to find a place to live before the new owners moved into our old house, I finally asked Nels what he thought about moving into a smaller townhouse that I'd previously ruled out. :)

Almost immediately after we got settled into our new home, I felt completely overwhelmed with how comfortable we are here. The layout flows smoothly and after moving a few things into a small storage unit we fit very comfortably. 

It feels like home. Again.

I think this is such an amazing thing. 

Home. 

It truly is where your heart lies - and my heart lies with the people within these walls.

It's a soggy Sunday night. Nels has been taking a much-deserved nap since we got home from church about four hours ago while I've enjoyed some uninterrupted time crocheting and watching Church films and BBC shows. Upstairs my girls have spent the rainy afternoon and evening playing together in their bedroom. They've kept me smiling the whole time as I've caught snippets of their conversation and games. They are quite clearly playing with their new Lego people and building grand homes for all of them. Occasionally I hear them break out in random movie quotes and brief bits of "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree". Clara is napping, but it makes my heart just swell right up to hear my older girls playing so happily with Violet. She loves them so much.

I wish so badly that I could hold on to these moments. That I could perfectly record the little voices as they drift down the stairs, their innocence as they share potions and inside jokes, the quiet, cozy light from the lamp, the drippy-drip off the roof, and the peace I feel all the way down to my toes. I wish I had a way to preserving it so that I could come back to this moment and play it over and over and over again.

This will just have to do - inadequate as it is.

We are so blessed.

Release

There was once a time when sitting at this screen felt like second nature to me. As I'd trot through my day, I'd think in Blog. My mind felt alive with thoughts that I couldn't wait to release. I look back at those days and much of what I shared was trivial, mostly sweet joys of the day, but I also felt the thrill of giving life to something that was once just inside.

As I sat down just now, the Post Screen felt foreign to me --- wondering what it is that is inside. What is it I want to share? I've exhausted my avenues of time wasting today and I've either got to get it out so that I can stop non-feeling it or get busy so that I can tuck it away in my Later drawer.



This last month . . .

About a month ago, Nels came home and told me that Coldwater announced that they are "looking into alternatives" to stem the financial difficulties that they've been dealing with the last few years.

After the initial yikes! the peace came. Whatever happens will happen and we will be fine. The past two years have taught me nothing if not how to roll - and how to have faith that we'll keep on rolling to a better place - both outside and inside.

Last Wednesday, I called Nels while out shopping for Halloween costumes at Goodwill:

"What do you think of robbers?"

Nels: "Sure. Sounds good."

"Great! I've found perfection. What are you doing for lunch? Maybe we'll stop by."

N: "Um. I'm at home."

"Oh, you should have called me so that I would be home."

N: " . . . I'm taking the rest of the day off."

" . . . . . . Why? Is everything okay?"

N: " . . . I'll talk to you about it when you get home."


Coldwater Creek laid-off about 20% of their employees last week. Today is Nels's last day.

We have both felt the sweet peace that comes from the Spirit - that all will be well. Nels has felt very firmly that this whole process will lead to better things.

Bless him.

These last couple of months have been challenging. As we moved, Nels has been my rock. Constantly encouraging me and building me up. When I've felt like I'm running on fumes, he's been ready to take the next step and let me know it's not too hard. It's gonna be easy! :)

I love him.

With this new hurdle, I've also felt good. I feel confident. But at the same time, today I'm tired.

I so love stability and as I look forward, it just looks like uncertainty and change and it feels weighty. I know there are rays of goodness and light creeping around the edges of this blah. I know that once I get the toys cleaned and my bed made and my body washed, I'm going to feel better

- but it'd be a lie to not acknowledge that right now I just kinda feel like curling up and crying.

Confetti

Yesterday I took the girls on a bike ride in search of interesting leaves for an upcoming Pinterest project. The day was crisp and beautiful. Millions of little bright blue gnats swirled through the setting sunshine.

There is a frisbee golf course running through the park and inevitably we were in the way at every hole. I felt like a mother quail with her chattering chicks in tow. :) 

I love adventuring with my little women! Everything becomes new and magical in their eyes as we search for acorns, colorful mushrooms, exploding cattails, and the roundest leaf.

They notice the snap of the twigs under our feet and watch in wonder as the gold leaves fall like confetti around us. Their imaginations and stories never end and the world is filled with props just for them. 

I'm so thankful for the beauty that surrounds me. Lilie said it perfectly in this card that she made for me this summer. 

"I love the sunsets in Sandpoint. Sometimes it reminds me of peace and happiness. Sometimes I imagine sitting on top of those pink clouds and watching the sun go behind the trees."

Time to Face the Music

It's that time of year again!!!

What time? you're asking.

Moving time, of course! It's September! that means we get to move again . . .

{sigh}

The house that we've been living in for the past year has been on the market all summer. It's been so fun, but it's coming to an end as we got word on Monday that the house has sold and we have until the 25th to be out.

That's two weeks from today.

I feel a little sick, a lot resigned, a bit frustrated, and really tired. Every once in a while, a little glimmer of "it's going to be great" comes creeping in at the seams and gives me some hope. Thank the Lord for hope. Because I really do have faith that all will be well, but reality is still challenging.

We shall see where we land, but most likely it will mean changing wards and schools again.

{double sigh}

My Hazel has already spent some major tears on that prospect and I don't blame her a bit. In her four complete years of school, she has attended three different elementaries. We've moved so many times, leaving behind valued relationships with each of them. It takes a toll.

But we are trying to focus not on what we've left behind, but what we gain each time as well. And I do know we have gained a great deal each time - and the friendships from the past, the real ones, remain.

So here's to learning to bend . . . or maybe it's just a lesson in learning how to kneel.

Ready or Not

It's the third day of school and it's already like we never left.

Dragging to get up and backpacks on the floor. :)

Hazel is in 4th grade this year, Lilie is in 3rd, and Elsie, my tiny girl that has been wanting to go to school for at least 3 years now, is finally starting Kindergarten.

For their first day, I walked each of them to their classroom and met their teachers. Lilie, my little introvert, tried hard to not let the apprehension get the best of her, but when we walked up to her room she couldn't help but shrink behind me and wish for invisibility. I talked to the teacher a moment and then tried to usher her in, but she resisted. Just then, a friend came rushing out the door excited to see her, gave her a big hug, and she immediately relaxed. I assured Mr. P that within 10 minutes you'd never know that she gets nervous. Ever.

Hazel was just ecstatic to be there and barely said goodbye to me as she walked through the door on the arm of one of her friends from last year. It's so crazy to me - I clearly remember being in fourth grade. They all look so tall and these next couple years, big changes are ahead for all of them. I can't believe we are already here.

Elsie was so thrilled. She sat at the table with her name tag and immediately started coloring. I asked her if she was ready for this or if she'd like me to stay with her for a few minutes. She stopped what she was doing, got a very serious thinking-face, and finally said, "I can handle it. You can go." You're sure? "Yep!" I walked from the room with a smile on my face, past the crowd of parents at the door with worry and tears in their eyes.

A few hours later, I pull up to see her leaning against the building looking quite annoyed. I excitedly asked her about her first day of school and she grumpily proceeded to tell me that:

A- she didn't get to go outside for recess. When I justified that it was only the first day, she said, "Well. My teacher said that we'll go outside for recess on special days and today is the first day of school - A SPECIAL DAY - so we should of gone outside today."

B - she didn't get to play with whatever she wanted in the classroom. Again, it's just the first day and I told her that school isn't really about getting to do whatever you want all the time. "Well, they had toys that I wanted to play with and I should be able to play with them."

C - nobody liked her new clothes. "What are you talking about? How do you know that, did someone make fun of you?" She then explained that she'd showed other kids her new shirt and nobody really cared.

LOL! I love my girl. She makes me laugh everyday. I'm sure that she'll have the whole classroom straightened out in no time at all. At home, she makes little picture lists all over her room (since she can't spell all the words yet) - lists for morning, playing, and bedtime routines. This girl is going to have the whole world marching to the beat of her drum by the time she's 9.  ;)

We stopped by the park on the way home in an effort to make up for the disappointment of recess where, within 5 minutes, Elsie bruised her tailbone and got the wind knocked out of her by slipping from the monkey bars and Violet got sand in her eyes. Good grief...

We didn't stay very long.

Yesterday when I picked her up, she was all smiles and had lots of good things to tell me about her morning.

The older girls are loving their classes and are happy to not be riding the bus this year.

With Kindergarten, we are going to be spending a lot of our time driving back and forth to the school, but we are all happy for the return of routine and I pray that's it's an excellent year of learning and growth for my girls. They all soak up knowledge and have so much to give that can bless the lives of others. I'm so pleased with the incredible little women that they are.

Claraboo turns Two

Two years ago today, I sat in a comfy bed at the Agape Birth Center holding my sweet little baby.

Number five. Daughter.

Life was about to do somersaults, but for the moment, all was right in the world.

Over the past two years, repeatedly, I've vowed to write a post dedicated just to Clara. I didn't write one for her first birthday, not when she started walking, I never really recorded her first sets of words. It hurts my heart. It's been such a chaotic couple of years, but my little Clara has been like sunshine to me all along this crazy journey.

That first year, she was heaven-sent. Patient to a fault, sweet, easy-going, gentle, quiet. I will always treasure my memories of quiet nights rocking her in the glow of the streetlamp in the front room of our second story apartment while huge silent snowflakes fell.

Then she turned one. :)

This last year she has become a sassy little spit-fire. She is full of spunk and sparks, assertive and absolutely fearless.

She LOVES all animals. Whether it's a caterpillar, a snail, a kitten, a snake, or a horse, it's "Oh, tute!" She kinda takes after her mommy. Visiting the fair with her last month was a blast!

Last month when we went rafting with Aunt Wendie and G&G Moon, Clara fell asleep. After about an hour of "peace and quiet" and bees hovering all around, I here from the back of the raft, "Oh! Hi, buggy! I yu you!" (referring to a friendly bee buzzing over her sleepy face)

She has a special place in her heart for doggies. We babysat Jake's pup this last month and she adores MoMo. (Nebo) I could often find her snuggling up on the doggy bed with Nebo saying, "I yuv you, MoMo."

She has difficulty saying her own name, but is awesome at everyone else's. "cl" is a difficult combination for baby mouths.

She talks and sasses. A. Lot. She's not always super clear, but has no problem communicating her meaning. If I listen close enough, I realize that she is actually speaking really well, it's just a little fuzzy.

As mentioned, she is fearless. She loves water and has no comprehension of it's danger. She has tried to jump from the raft or sneak away from me to the end of the dock and slip into the watery depths unnoticed. Last month while visiting the chair lift at Schweitzer, she refused to sit back in the seat, instead opting to dangle her feet and lean forward as far as I'd let her.

She loves sugar - and pancakes. Blueberries are one of the only things that she eats consistently and always loves. It's all about the timing. Sometimes she loves it, sometimes she hates it. I'd say she's a picky eater, but the only thing I find that she will NOT eat is potatoes. She was SO excited tonight for her "coclate" cake!

For a 9 pound infant, she sure doesn't look it. Still under 25 pounds and so slender that she regularly slides her diaper right off her bummy. In fact, if I don't put a onesie on her, I cannot keep a diaper on her at all. Apparently she doesn't like them - or pants.

She is a bit of a wanderer and I've lost her a few times just in the backyard. She LOVES to be outside. She does not like to hold hands.

She adores her sisters and they think she's the cutest thing in the world. She holds her own with them and will not be pushed around. She tattles on her sisters like nobody's business and knows how to milk the sympathy. It's adorable.

She loves the riding lawn mower and can be found sitting on it almost every time she goes outside. She RAGES if someone is riding it without her.

Clara loves to read stories and loves to sing. She remembers words to songs and is on key when she sings along. Her favorite this year has been "Tiny Tim".

She loves to be tickled. "Mama? Ticklou?" "You want me to tickle you?" "YES!" She loves butterfly kisses and laughs and laughs and asks for more. She also says something that I haven't heard in about 8 years, "Mama, I hold you?" (will you hold me? my Hazie Baby used to ask the same thing.) Just last week she started saying "No way!"

She loves the trampoline, cannot get down on her own, and thinks playing "runaway" when I try to get her off is the best game in the world. She screams in delight and then frustration when I finally jump up on the tramp to grab her and bring her inside.

Loves to draw. On her legs, belly, face, and arms.

She is almost always happy and loves to laugh.

Every time I put her to bed, we repeat to each other:
*kiss* "I love you."
"I yuv you."
"Goodnight."
"Nigh, Night"
"Bye, bye."
"Bu-bye."

Her birthday today was happy and low key. The homemade chicken noodle soup was met with "Mmmm, nummy!" and the 'coclate' cake with sheer joy. This girl loves her some chocolate! She had so much fun with the candles. Over the course of the day she requested to have them relit about 27 times, squealing with excitement and clapping every time she'd blow them out again.

I love my little Clara Lettice. She brings so much joy into my life and I am so thankful that the Lord sent her when he did. I often feel like she's growing up too fast, but at the same time I'm so excited for each new thing she learns. She is such a delightful little person.

I love you, Claroo! Happy birthday, Baby Girl.

Warriors

Clara turns two tomorrow. My baby. My nine pound baby.

Two years ago tomorrow, I looked into the darling face of my fifth baby girl. Helpless, dependent, beautiful, pure.

So often over the years, sometimes even from my own mother - sometimes from myself, I've heard the sentiment (speaking of the rising generation):

"I'm so worried for them."
"I'm afraid for them, for the challenges they face."

Like I said, at times I have felt this myself as I look into the beautiful innocence in my daughters' eyes. I can see the precious and pure souls that their wonderful bodies hold. I ache for the loss of that innocence. Because it will come. While we live in a world of sublime beauty, we also live in a society of filth and heartache and pain.

I had a conversation earlier this year that calmed my fears - it was profound and has taken root so deep in my heart that I know it to be true.

I was raised being taught that I had been saved for this time in the world's history. I lived with God before this world was ever even created. He had a plan and had brought us (those of my generation) here to earth - right now - because we had a purpose to fulfill. A battle to fight.

And we had been prepared.

I believe this to be true.

One day as I looked into my daughter's sleeping face I thought, "I worry for you."

And a thought came back to me. Clearly. You don't need to be worried. She's ready for this. She's been prepared. She can do this.

As that sank in, I was first filled with peace and then with more apprehension. Like any mother, who did I question? Myself. "But what if I'm not? What if I can't give her what she needs? What if I'm not equal to this task? I fail. over. and over. and over. and over..."

The peace came again, You can. You've been prepared. It's enough. Keep going.

I look around at the children coming to earth right now. They are incredible! They have this FIRE within them, this need to KNOW. Often I have found myself at my wit's end with one of my children and their incessant questions . . . and questioning. Overwhelmed with the sheer power of their personalities.

I see it in my girls, in the Primary where I am privileged to serve each Sunday. I see in the faces of my friends' children, my nieces and nephews. I hear it in their parents.

WHY? Why can't they just do what I said BECAUSE I SAID SO? Where have the children gone that listened and obeyed - no questions asked?

Maybe it's always been this way? but I just don't think so. Maybe it's the media? but my kids don't watch normal television, never see commercials, we don't even listen to the radio, their best friends are their sisters.

One day as I was doing the laundry and thinking (my best thinking spot) about this very thing I had an epiphany. This is who they are! This is who they need to be!

Our world is so ugly, so vulgar, so inundated with smut and lies . . . and just information (a blessing and a curse)! They need to question. They need to be able to ask why. They need to be able to discern and sift through the garbage. They can't be docile. They've got to be strong enough that they can stand in the face of the liars and say, "I don't believe you and I will not back down."

This is who they are. This is who they need to be.

It is challenging to raise these children. They are strong. But we were prepared to be their parents. They can do it and WE can do it. They don't need to be taught fear in the face of evil. They need to be taught their strength and that their power comes from righteousness and virtue. They don't need to be taught to submit, but to obey God - because He is their leader. They need to be taught how to hear His voice.

We need to make sure that we are doing our part to do the same, but our best is enough.

They are His. THIS is who the Lord has saved to fight the battles. They've been prepared and so have we.

Summer Perfection: Part 1

From the get-go, we've always said that Sandpoint was a temporary move. A rest stop on the way to . . . wherever . . . we're going . . . eventually. :)

"Somewhere we'll stay for, I don't know, probably three to five years."

But you know what? I don't know how we'll EVER leave.

Not with weeks like this.

Today as I sat on the beach talking to friends and watching my kids play in the water, sand, and sunshine

I made a decision.

Honey, if things don't work out at Coldwater, we're livin' in a tent! (it can be done! we know a man who does.)

Seriously. How is it that you are not ALL living here with us?!

Clara, at almost 2, is still the sweetest little feisty angel. She holds her own with four older sisters and rolls with the crazy when we stay at the beach for five hours and miss naptime.

Monday she just snuggled right up on my lap mid-afternoon and fell right into dreamland. Holding my sleeping baby is like dreamland for me . . .

Tuesday we skipped the beach and I cleaned my bedroom. A miracle that resulted in the discovery of my keys (missing 10 days) and my glasses (missing 3 months).

Wednesday Nels skipped work and we took the girls to Silverwood. A blast that resulted in the realization that Hazel and Violet don't really love rollercoasters and adrenaline makes me talk a lot.

Dinner at Olive Garden with my beautiful girls, a (yet again) angelically nap-less bebe, 

and their handsome dad.

Today was just summer at it's finest.

Poor Lilie inherited her daddy's pink skin.

diving Elsie

While my angel baby AGAIN slept at the beach, for the first time since we moved here, I went swimming. It was SO FUN!!! Lilie, Hazel, and I swam out to the logs separating the beach and the boats with our friends the McClellands and played King of the Log. It was awesome. I love good friends!

After four hours in the sun, we returned home to pick thimbleberries across the road and golden raspberries in the backyard.

thimbleberries: fuzzy, delicious cousins of domestic raspberries

my "I'm ecstatic that I've not had to water this green grass once this summer" face

my "I'm in heaven" face

Again, I need to ask: how is it that you are all not living here WITH US?!