Rollercoaster

At the end of July I wrote:

June was over before I could even catch my breath. July feels like it was a blur of stress and tiredness, interspersed with a few select moments of perfection. I have a feeling that August is going to feel like a tornado.

Well. If August was a tornado, September is shaping up to be a rollercoaster. The "exciting" kind that has that long, long, long build up . . . up, up, up forever {it seems} and then all of a sudden, you're hanging on the pinnacle - momentarily hanging downward - before WHOOSH! And you're off! Upside-down, around sharp curves. You keep telling yourself that you're having fun, but the truth is, you're TERRIFIED! After you finally get off, you look around at those you rode with and think, "That was fun? Right!? Yeah, yeah. That was FUN!"

I think right now, I'm "supposed" to be having fun.

I'm on that slow build up.

I'm thinking, "I waited a long time for this. I'm excited?" and "What the heck was I THINKING?!"

The drop is coming. I can see it just up ahead and really? I'm just plain scared.

I'm so glad that Nels can still feel the excitement, because all I can think about is plunging to my death.

The plan has been to send Nels up to Sandpoint on his own. Rent a tiny studio apartment for a month or two until the house sells and then we'll all move up into a home together.

Last week {four days after having a baby} Nels and I drove up to Sandpoint with Clara to take a look at houses and find something suitable for him to live in temporarily. After all, I wasn't really planning on going back up there before we were ready to go ahead and buy a house, so it'd be best if we had a chance to look at our options. It was a good trip. Very informative. And really good to again see the place that is going to be our home - since I'd only been there once before.

As we drove home Thursday evening, I cried most of the 500 miles. I would look at Nels and suddenly tears would be streaming down my face. And I realized the truth. No matter how much I have learned to do without Nels around the past four+ years, I am not as independent as I think I am. I need him a lot more than I've admitted. I can do things on my own. I can run our home. I can take care of our children. I can cook dinner and keep up on laundry and clean -- even if he's not going to be around to see it.

But it's always with an end in mind. There's always a deadline. It's always temporary. And I usually at least get to see him on occasion --- even if it's just for lunch.

But for him to be 7 or more hours away? Hundreds of $$$ in gas?

He would miss the first months of our new baby's life. He would miss Clara as a newborn altogether. He would miss Hazel's 8th birthday. He would miss Elsie's 4th birthday. I would be adjusting to 5 children --- all on my own. While he sat bored every night, with nothing to do but watch TV or edit videos, I would be running ragged with five little children to care for and a house to keep in order for the potential last-minute "can we come look at your house?"

And beyond any of that - any of the work - Nels is my best friend. Every time I would think of him leaving us, my heart felt like it was literally breaking. He's been busy at times. He's been gone for work at times. He's worked endless days that I don't see him. But we've never REALLY been apart. When he's gone, I feel like I'm just holding my breath until he comes back home to me.

And all of that would continue - not for two weeks, not for six weeks. Until the elusive "house sells." Indeterminate and {what feels} insurmountable.

Limbo.

So Thursday morning I made a decision.

We're going. We're going to pack up our beds, our clothes, our essentials - and we're going to leave. When I called and told Nels, I thought he might jump through the phone and kiss me - he was so happy.

We'll find a tiny apartment. Something that we can afford to pay in rent, while also carrying our mortgage. We'll all smash together.

Together. Together. Together.

We'll leave our beautiful home. And continue wearying the Lord with my constant plea that it will sell.

We'll leave our friends. Our family. Our lives as we know them. With a lot of tears and apprehension.

One week. Hardly long enough to remember everything -- and surely not long enough to even say goodbye to all those we love -- before we close up this chapter of our lives. The only life that two of our children have ever known and surely the only one that other two really remember. Before most of those we love will even have a chance to meet our new baby. The first place that was really HOME. Our home.

And we'll abandon it.

Not to move on to a new home, but just to move on. To a temporary place. Mostly without our things. Without our comforts. They'll stay here and we'll lock up the door and leave a key box for realtors and we'll just leave.

And if you can't tell, I'm really struggling with that concept. I feel like we're abandoning our lives.

And I'm terrified.

But.

We'll be together.

And as much anxiety as I have about leaving our home, I can't even fathom being apart from one another.

So right now, I don't know what the future holds. I'm not really making plans. I'm just doing what comes next.

I'm choosing to believe that "the Lord's hand is ever over me" and that HE has a plan. I don't know what it is -- and I'm sure going to put in some requests -- but I'm trying to learn how to put my fears and my future and my faith in HIS capable hands and enjoy the ride.

And praying that when this is all over, {instead of being smashed and dead at the bottom of the coming "drop"} we'll ride it out and eventually get off this crazy rollercoaster, take a huge breath for the first time in probably too long, and look around at each other saying, "That was . . . FUN. Right?!"

Part Three: A Season of Choices

Come, come ye Saints, no toil or labor fear; but with joy, wend your way.

Though hard to you, this journey may appear, grace shall be as your day.

'Tis better far for us to strive our useless cares from us to drive;

Do this and joy, your hearts will swell - All is well! All is well!

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard? 'Tis not so, all is right.

Why should we think to earn a great reward if we now shun the fight.

Gird up your loins; fresh courage take. Our God will never us forsake.

And soon we'll have this tale to tell - All is well! All is well!

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The summer after Nels and I were married, I was pregnant with Hazel. The chip sealing company in Boise that he'd worked for the summer before had once again offered him a job and since decent employment is always scarce in Rexburg, we jumped at the chance. Mel and Kathy graciously opened their home to us for the summer, since it would have been quite expensive to rent an apartment in the area for only a few months before we returned to school in the Fall.

It was a long, hot, dry summer. The employment that Nels had been offered turned out to be finicky, at best. His boss would call him up and say that he would need him in to Boise for work the next day, only to call the next morning saying that he didn't. This was the routine more often than not, but always with, "I'm really sorry this week was so crazy. Next week I've really got a lot of work coming in and we're going to be super busy, so be ready."

The summer rolled on and when Nels tried to find a different job, summer positions had already been filled and no one seemed to want to hire someone for less than two months. (Go figure!) It was the end of July. Nels had only worked sporadically for the last two and a half months. We had a baby due in ten weeks. And we weren't even sure we'd have the money to pay the deposit and first month's rent when we moved back to Rexburg. I was stressed.

That Sunday at church we were celebrating Pioneer Day - the day that the first group of Mormon Pioneers made it to the Salt Lake Valley. I was hormonal, hot, swollen, and worried. On the verge of tears, I prayed throughout the meeting. Pouring out all my fears and worries to the Lord.

As the meeting ended, we sang "Come, Come Ye Saints" as the closing hymn and He answered me. All would be well. He was aware of me, my little family, and our needs. We had been paying our tithing and He would provide for us. All is well.

And it was. Nels got a job that week and was able to earn enough money that we were back at school in a nice little apartment preparing for the arrival of our first baby a month later.

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Two and a half weeks ago, I sat in a Sacrament Meeting in Woodland, Utah. (My great...great Grandfather was the first Bishop of that ward.) I was on vacation at the Moon family cabin with my parents, brothers, sisters and their families. Nels was (as always, it seems) home, working all weekend long to finish up a number of HUGE projects for Melaleuca. It was the 24th of July - Pioneer Day. I was pregnant, hot, swollen, and worried.

Nels would be gone this coming weekend, interviewing in Sandpoint, Idaho. I was fairly certain that they would offer him the job - hoping and yet dreading that they would. The night before, I'd slept only a couple of hours before being wakened with unanswerable, stressed out, pregnant thoughts. Finally returning to sleep only moments before the sun and Violet rose. I sat through that Sacrament Meeting on the verge of tears, distracted from most of what was being said. Shuffling in my seat to keep from passing out in the crowded, hot room and at the same time praying over and over in my head that we would be able to know what was right for our family. Everything seemed to be going so well, but the timing of all of this could NOT be worse. So many potential situations. None of which seemed to have a perfect solution.

As the meeting (thankfully!) ended, we sang "Come, Come Ye Saints" as the closing hymn and He reminded me. "Rachel. I've always taken care of you before. Why would you question me now? All is well."

That evening, before leaving the cabin to return home, I asked my Dad to give me a Father's Blessing. As much peace as I had felt in the sweet reminder I'd been given earlier that day, I really felt that I could use the additional comfort and instruction that can come from a Priesthood Blessing.

I love my dad so much. I'm so thankful to have such a worthy, loving, righteous man as my father.

In the blessing, among many words of comfort, love, and reassurance, I was told that this decision was our choice. There wasn't a right or a wrong answer. This was a path that we were given, to decide what we wanted, and there would be many blessings for us and our family either way. I was also told to remember that the hardest choices also reap the greatest blessings along with them. 

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A while ago I wrote about how my mind puts things on the "back burner", where I keep them simmering for varying lengths of time. Mulling them over and gathering information. These thoughts often become what feel like themes for different periods of my life - allowing the Lord to teach me more about it.

One of these "themes" that I've had "simmering" for probably the past year or so is Choice, Agency, and Desire. More specifically, I've noticed that I seem to have gone through much of my life believing that the Lord has some predetermined "path" for me and my job is to find it and then stay on it. However, as I've been gathering information and learning, I've come to the conclusion that even though my previous belief is probably not entirely wrong, it's not entirely right either.

It's a little hard to explain (without making this post MUCH longer than it already is), but I've come to believe that because the Lord loves us as his children, he wants us to be happy. And along with that, He gives to us according to "the desires of our hearts." And because he is the very best parent, the Lord knows how to give good gifts to his children. I believe that we have a lot more say over the course of our lives than we (or at least I) probably understand. 

I've come to believe that if there is a path that is flat out unsafe (physically or spiritually) or "wrong", the Lord will warn us of such - but (of course) still allow us to take that path if we choose. Come what may, he will bless us with opportunities for success, learning, and growth. There will also be consequences for the path chosen. For many paths in life, there really isn't a wrong or a right choice. We are faced with diverging paths. We can choose one or another. It is right because it is the one we desire. As we stay close to the Lord and live righteously, the Lord will bring experiences into our lives that will teach us and help us to grow closer to Him - regardless of which path it was that we chose. 

Now that is very simplified and probably very confusing, but I hope you get the drift.

When, in the blessing my dad gave me, I was told that the decision to move or not was our CHOICE, I felt an enormous amount of peace. It showed me, once again, that my Heavenly Father knows me. I felt the enormity of the decision that we needed to make, but peace in knowing that this is a point in our lives where the roads diverge. Where the decision that we make now will significantly alter the course of the rest of our lives. And it's ours to make.

I don't know what lies down either path. 

One seems comfortable. to stay. to continue the life that we've built here. to continue doing what we know. which is truly so wonderful!

The other seems . . . uncertain? scary? exciting? to go somewhere new. a new job. a new place. farther away from family and the friendships that we've built here. new challenges. but also new opportunities for learning and growth. individually and as a family.

And so we've made a choice. 

It's not a choice of running away from some unpleasant life. It's a choice to leave something that has been so very wonderful. The last five years that we have lived in Idaho Falls have been challenging at times (life always is), but overall have been incredible. We have made many amazing friendships with people that have forever impacted and changed our lives for the better. We bought our first house. And made it a home. For the first time in our married lives we lived somewhere long enough to become a part of a ward. We've been able to live close enough to both our families to visit when we want and build beautiful relationships with our parents, siblings, in-laws, cousins . . . {tears}. We've learned what it means to be a family.

It will be hard to leave those we love and be so far away. We will miss out on most Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners with our families, we will miss out on having those we love all come when we bless our baby, baptize our children, and celebrate birthdays and other milestones. We won't be there for the spontaneous reunions at Grandma's and Grandpa's house, trips to the zoo, the cabin, the farm. We won't be there to share in many of the heartaches or the triumphs of life with those we love so much.

It's a hard decision.

We're leaving and heading for something that will also be really wonderful for our family. I can't help but to be excited for the new adventures in store for our family. For the new friendships that we'll make. For the new experiences that we'll have living in a completely new area. For a new job. New house. New ward. New community.

And it will be good. I know it will.

If we can just make it through the next five weeks . . . 

Part Two: A Season of Change

Tuesday morning I sat with one of my midwives at one of our, now weekly(!), appointments, unsuccessfully trying to hold back the tears. Feeling overwhelmed, guilt, and a small sense of loss at what I thought would be, washing over me. With a shaky smile, I looked at her compassionate face (she was teary, too) and said, "I'm so sorry. I think I'm just really tired."

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I remember, months ago, talking to Nels about how sometimes I feel so restless. Like I'm ready for a new adventure. I felt so bold. Ready to take on the world. Ready for some new challenges. I felt envious every time I would hear of someone else moving.

For the most part, those feelings subsided and (as I mentioned in my last post) I've been able to feel incredibly happy and settled where we are. I've been able to feel that all will be as it should. All in the Lord's timing. But every once in a while, I'd recognize that those feelings were still there. Little twinges in the periphery.

Nels has continued to apply for jobs. When we spent a week at his parents' house in June, many hours were devoted to applying for a job with BYU's live video crew. It would be a good job. Stable, steady, different. Well worth the insane application hoops that the Church puts applicants through. Well worth the endless waiting game that hiring with any Church position plays. He had a good "in" with a friend who has worked with BYU TV for the last few years. We were feeling pretty confident in his chances of at least getting an interview for the position, but from past experiences knew that it would be a S.L.O.W. process. Great! Nels had Convention to get ready for at work and we have a baby coming at the beginning of September. We were not in a hurry.

A few weeks later, I was picking up toys in the family room before we went to bed. Nels had spent the evening doing whoknowswhat on the computer while I'd watched an episode of some silly British drama on Netflix. Nels mentioned in passing, "I applied for a job in Sandpoint. It's with a company called . . . Coldwater Creek?"

"Oh yeah. A clothing company. My mom gets their catalogs." I didn't expect to hear anything else from it and didn't think about it again.

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More than four years ago now we moved BACK to Idaho Falls. We'd lived here right after graduating from BYU-I for less than a year, run out of employment, moved in with my parents for a few months and found out we were pregnant with our third baby, only to receive a new job offer here in I.F. and move back. It was crazy.

I felt so sick with that pregnancy. And when I'm not feeling tip-top, I become a hermit. Thankfully, the Lord knew that I needed a proactive friend and even though we only lived in that rental house on Tendoy Dr. for about four months, the Lord sent me just such a friend. She only lived a few houses down from us and had two little girls, fairly close in age to Hazel and Lilie. Even though I was lazy as could be, she would stop by to chat, ask me to go on walks, and try to get to know me better. When we bought our house and were getting ready to move in, she was right there beside me - cleaning cupboards and washing walls.

Thank Heaven for people who are better friends than I am sometimes!

Stefanie has remained a faithful and devoted friend to lazy me over the years and I have thanked God for sending her into my life many, many times. 

In late June, Stefanie found out that her husband would be getting laid off "sometime" in July. The company that he'd worked for for the past umpteen years was going bankrupt. She was stressed. She was pregnant. She was due to deliver a little boy only three weeks before my due date. (She just delivered her little GIRL yesterday! LOL!) She was facing either unemployment or possibly moving to Utah - all around the time that her baby was due. Yeah. She was stressed. And would often call me to voice her fears and frustrations.

Me, being the wonderfully sympathetic friend that I am, listened but repeatedly told her that she needed to relax. Getting stressed would not help her or her little baby any. She just needed to be patient until she actually KNEW what they were doing. Stressing out now wasn't going to save her any of the stress that would surely come later IF they were to move. And maybe they wouldn't be moving at all. Relax! I told her over and over again.

The Lord has such a fun sense of humor . . . 

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The day after Nels submitted his late-night resume, Coldwater Creek called him wanting to see some of his work. He referred them to his Vimeo page.

Two days later, they set up a phone interview. It went perfect.

I started . . . getting worried. :)

A few days passed. I calmed down.

For months we'd known that Nels's hours throughout July would be crazy. They always are, in preparation for Melaleuca's big, yearly Convention. I was just happy to know that it wouldn't last forever and that Convention would be finished a month before the baby was even due. Thank goodness! We can totally do one month of crazy, right? Then he'd be home and we could enjoy some time together as a family, celebrate our ninth wedding anniversary, and get everything in order before the baby came.

A week after the phone interview, I got a text from Nels while he's at work. "Coldwater wants to fly me up to Sandpoint for an interview!"

The initial excitement was immediately tempered with thoughts of, "what??? right now??? in the middle of preparing for Convention? we have a baby due in less than 8 weeks! surely this isn't what we've been waiting for!? what if while he's there, they offer him the job? I've never even been to Sandpoint, Idaho!"

On a spur of the moment decision, we shipped the older girls off to spend a weekend with Grandma Chick, packed up the car, and headed to Sandpoint to check out the area together before the interview that he'd scheduled for the last weekend in July.

We fell in love with the beautiful mountains, stunning lake, rolling fields, forests, and small town.

During the two weeks preceding Nels's interview, he worked like a madman. Night and day trying to finish multiple projects. I'd like to think that during that time, I was gracefully "holding down the fort," but truthfully I was just a mess. Hoping and yet worried that it would be perfect.

And guess what? It was.

All of his interviews were comfortable and good. He said that he couldn't have imagined it going better. He really enjoyed the company and the team. Of course, the location is absolutely gorgeous. Nels even scoped out a couple of properties for sale.

Fun, fun, fun. And yet . . .

"Lord, did you forget that we have a baby coming in a few weeks???"

I was a stressed out mess. What if they want him before the baby comes? What about insurance? How do we sell our house that fast? I'm 8 months pregnant, I'm not ready to sell our house! What about school for the girls? It starts in a couple of weeks, too! Will we be able to buy a house? Will we have to rent? Coldwater had said that they really wanted someone to start before the beginning of September. He can't leave before the baby is born! etc, etc, etc, etc . . . . . . . . . . .

I hope they make him an offer. We've been waiting for so long to move on.
I hope they don't make him an offer. Then we could return to that "perfect, peaceful life" that I was feeling before.

Two days after Nels flew home from Northern Idaho, he was gone again. Gone to Convention before we'd even heard back from Coldwater as to whether or not he got the job.

I was an even bigger mess than I was before.

And poor Nels! He was working pretty much around the clock in Minneapolis when they called him to offer him the job. I was hounding him on the other end - trying to figure out details of what we're doing. Pretty much being a crazy woman. And all the while, Nels is surrounded by coworkers and Melaleuca Directors. Trying to squeeze in a few moments to calm his neurotic wife all while wearing blisters into his feet. :)

Which pretty much brings us to this week.

Monday morning Nels called Coldwater Creek and accepted the job.


We will be moving.


Thankfully, they've extended an olive branch and consented to let him start two weeks after my due date. They will also be paying for a moving company to come pack up my house for me! Hooray!

Remember that happy picture that I envisioned in my last post? Remember the peace and the calm of August with no planned trips, school shopping, making bedding for baby?

It's gone. It's not going to happen.

In the next (just over) five weeks, we need to:

• finish getting the house ready to sell (thanks to my sisters who graciously came to help me paint and clean last weekend, we are very close to this being completed)
• keep the house clean with three busy chickies and one crazy tornado still living here
• keep up with the yard work to maintain "curb appeal"
• remain pregnant until after we . . . 
• . . . SELL THE HOUSE! - hopefully without a realtor
• travel back up to Sandpoint to find somewhere to live - BEFORE the baby is born
• hopefully BUY a HOUSE
• somehow deal with the guilt that I feel about feeling so removed from the reality that we are going to have another baby
• keep this baby from coming before the 29th of August when my mom gets home from a two week volunteer trip to Haiti
• somehow be able to achieve the sweet, calm birth that I had envisioned for this little baby while preparing my family to move 500 miles away two weeks later
• recover from having a baby and find time to connect with this new little member of our family
• pray really hard that I don't get mastitis, with its accompanying 103* temperatures and immobility
• pray that somehow my sweet little Violet will be able to adjust to not only being kicked out of baby spot, but also to an insanely busy (and recovering) Mommy and moving from the only home that she's ever known
• decide whether or not to enroll the girls in school before we move and get clothes and school supplies ready regardless
• wash and set aside baby clothes - while trying to pack away everything else
• hope and pray that Nels won't be working insane hours at Melaleuca for the next five weeks, yet somehow remain employed until his next job begins
• find a way to be able to once again sleep for more than 3 or 4 hours at night
• pray that all of the girls (as well as their parents) will be able to beautifully adjust to all that is coming in the next month and a half

(to be continued . . . )

Part One: A Season of Rest

For the past three years, Nels has worked at Melaleuca. It was a good move for his career, but it has not been without its challenges --- as I've often complained about here on my blog. Even with the complaints, Nels has gained many things by working there. He has learned things and been able to prove things about himself that he never would have had a chance to do, or maybe even know about himself, otherwise. Things that will be invaluable to him throughout his life. However, feeling that Melaleuca was never meant to be the final destination for his career, he found other ways to increase many of his video skills.

His number one outlet was to begin a video business with his dad called Mind for Media. He has done a lot of awesome work with this company over the past few years and has learned so much. (You should check out his Vimeo page.) Something I love so much about Nels is his driving passion to learn and to grow. To become better. With video (and with pretty much everything else), it's never necessarily been about the job, so much as doing his very best. I love him for it. I am continually impressed with what he can create. He is truly talented.

While Melaleuca has been a good job for us, Nels has often talked about moving on - for a variety of reasons. Mostly, I think that he's been wanting a job that gives him more of an opportunity to create. He's spent a lot of time over the years perusing job openings in New York, Minnesota, Texas, Utah, Arizona, California . . . etc. You get the point. But none of them have been quite right for us. However, his constant browsing and applying and interviewing has at times left me in quite a state of unrest. Never sure how long we were going to be here.

As our family has grown, we've also come upon the need or desire for a bigger home. I've spent the past couple of years idling away hours flipping through MLS listings. Finding homes that Nels would be able to have a real video studio in. Homes that (upon Nels's request) had a few acres --- room to have a goat(?). But as he's always looking to switch jobs, buying a new home here in Idaho Falls has been out of the question. Will we stay here for years yet or will we be spontaneously moving next month? Oftentimes, it's been difficult for me to fully relax and enjoy where we are currently because of this.

This past eight months or so have been different for me, though. I think that the Lord has blessed me with the peace that I've been lacking. Has helped me to see past the uncertainties of life and enjoy the present so much more. I have been able to settle on the fact that life will probably remain much the same for at least another few years and I've been incredibly happy with that prospect. I've found so much joy in the lives that we've been living. (Not that I didn't before, it's just felt extra poignant recently.)

Throughout the months of this pregnancy, I have also felt considerable peace about the coming of this new little person to our family. I haven't been overly anxious. I've been happy for the distance between my two babies and for the friends that they will surely be. There have been moments of "What were we thinking?!" and then I've been reassured, over and over, that this is right and this is good.

With Violet, I decided upon an "unmedicated" birth at the hospital with midwives (contracted under the OB that delivered the rest of my babies) attending - which I loved and was very happy with. However, there were a few things (maybe many) about this setting (hospital) that I didn't love. Overall, was the prevalent thought "I'm not sick and neither is my sweet baby. Why on Earth am I in a hospital?" And beside that, hospitals are truly not really conducive to natural childbirth.

With this baby, I decided that I really wanted to go a different route and have a Natural birth. I met with a group of midwives that run a birthing center near Idaho Falls. They don't work for any doctor, most of the births they attend are in homes, and they trust in the natural abilities of women's bodies. They've also set up a wonderful Birth Center in Rigby that is comfortable and has a very peaceful ambiance. This is the option that Nels and I have chosen. (Since I just have no desire to still feel like mommy, wondering what my four little turkeys are doing, while I'm in labor. :)

I have been so excited for this new experience. I've felt a lot of peace about the where and the how of it all and I've also been really looking forward to the natural slow-down that comes with Fall. Both of the older girls will be in school all day, most of the summer bustle will be winding down. I've been looking forward to not having any trips planned for August. Get the school shopping done. Slowly work my magic in transforming the little girls room with new paint, fun new decor, and new crib bedding. I've spent a lot of this year sorting through "problem areas" in the house, dejunking, and organizing. As September approaches, I'll have a new little baby come peacefully into our lives and this time I've been determined to learn my lesson and RELAX. (If you remember - which I'm sure you don't - I was sick every other week for months after having Violet. Due in large part to not being able to just slow down and take things easy.)


In short (or not), this last year has really been a season of peace in many ways for me. A time when I feel  I have learned and been blessed to feel a lot of calm with where we are in life. With my role as Mother. With myself. Truly, it has been a gift.


But we all know that nothing lasts forever, right? And I, for one, know that the Lord is very good at putting us to the test. So that the things we learn will stick. So that we can learn to be happy and have peace - regardless the situation.

And with those tests, also comes great blessings . . .

(to be continued . . .)