Cleaning out the Vent

{Before reading this post, please, kindly read the one right before it.}

I've felt really frustrated with myself lately.

Frustrated with what I cannot change about the way I work and frustrated even with my body.

When I feel frustrated, I like to do one of two things. Either isolate myself:  don't answer the phone or the door, don't engage in conversation, probably lose myself in a book or a project. It gives me time to work through whatever is bothering me or time for "it" to pass.

OR I throw myself into work. Generally physically exhausting. Allowing me to literally "work it out." Until I'm so tired that I can't think anymore. I love it.

However.

I don't know what to do with myself when neither option is available. I feel like a frenzied mess of emotion and stress that's caged up in my head. No release. And I still have to carry on in my role as mother, wife, and friend. I feel the way Lilie acts when she loses all reason and sense and just throws a raging, crazy, inconsolable, mad FIT. (My mom tells me that she once had a daughter that did the same thing . . .)

Unfortunately throwing a fit and hiding away are not options. Life has to continue.

And physically? Well, I've got a list of about 53 physical things that need to be completed - before this baby is born (among other things). I also have a husband (or do I?) that has been MIA at our house for the larger part of a month. He has been working like a demon to prepare for "Convention" - which he left for this morning at 3:30 AM and will not return from until after I have had another hellish "Sunday with a 17-Month-Old." (Last week was NOT pretty.)

So I begin. I'll do it all myself! Just watch me!

I get into it. I work hard for hours. I feel pleased with the progress I've made. I sit down . . . for just a few minutes . . .

. . . and then my body remembers that it's due to have a baby IN ONE MONTH. That I'm carrying around an extra 30-40 pounds of weight. That hormones have loosened all the ligaments in my body and when I stand up again, there will probably be pieces of me left behind on the couch. Never to be reattached. For days afterward, I hobble around like I've got arthritis.

And then I'm caged up again. I can't "work it out" and I can't "hide" because I'm Mom. And Dad is gone. Working with no break in sight. For either of us. I'm all there is.

So I feel mad at my body and mad at my brain. Who both seem to be conspiring against me at the moment. Mad that I can't work as hard as I'd like and mad that I can't seem to just be patient or to stop thinking. I want to just throw a "Lilie Fit". After all, that's the reason that she throws them, too -- because she can't make or FORCE things be the way she wants them to be and she doesn't know what to do with it. (You see? I understand my girl. I had to live with someone who acted the same way growing up. {wink})

Now, the point of this post was not only to vent my feelings, but to also help myself see . . . better.

Today, Nels may be gone again. Today my house may look like a muddy Violet tornado had free reign yesterday (it did). Today there may . . . well, we're not going to go any further down this road. There's no end in sight. Today, there may be a lot to do.

But yesterday. Yesterday I was able to clean up the yard. I mowed and weed whacked. I organized my "clean-up crew" of little women to pick up the papers and the toys and the tools and shoes and cups and neighbors toys . . . that had been scattered all over the yard. I swept off the back patio. I raked up all the pine needles piled inches deep underneath our back trees. I showered, I did my hair(!), and even made lunch. And then Nels came home. To me. And even though he wasn't feeling really well and had stayed up until 3:00 the night before working on the basement wall, he went downstairs without complaining and finished putting up the sheetrock. He helped me find a friend with a pickup and loaded up the old fence, the discarded doors, the broken paneling, the broken chairs, and the yard debris to be taken to the dump. He didn't complain about having leftovers for dinner and then took us all to get frozen yogurt.

I wasn't really sore last night either.

And as disconnected from it as I might feel, I'm only a MONTH from my due date! With my FIFTH baby! I may not be the same as I was with baby #1 or even baby #3, but my body still knows how to work hard and do hard things. - Like growing babies. And breathing. :)

I need to be more thankful for my body. It's cool.

And I need to be more thankful for my brain. It can do awesome things like trick my body into not getting sore just because Nels is around and I'm happy.

And I need to be more thankful for my daughters. They are truly amazing. And have been incredible helpers with cleaning and getting along and putting up with my "crazies" and keeping an eye on the Tornado.

And I need to be more thankful for my little curly-headed Tornado. Watching her sit on my bedroom floor trying on shoes while alternately singing to her baby doll and examining the hundreds of safety pins spilled all over the floor is perfection. As is her "I Wu Voo" and conversation about "shooies".

More thankful for a husband who loves me so much that he spends the few "free" hours he's had in the past month doing projects for ME.

And more thankful for amazing friends who are so willing so serve.

I am blessed.

Bottom line:  I think gratitude is the answer.

Yes. I am.

When I was a Freshman in college I took Microbiology. I really loved that class. I thought it was fascinating. In fact, I liked it so much that I retook it the next year.

Just kidding. I retook it because the first time I spent too much time worrying about the boy I was dating that was also in the class. The second time I took it, I still didn't get the grade I wanted because I spent too much time worrying about the boy I was dating that wasn't in the class. I had a Bowling class right before Micro . . . and Nels would walk past my Bowling class just as it was letting out . . . 

It was so hard to go to class when he was asking me to have lunch with him instead. 

Actually, I never told him that I had a class during that time.

Ah. Young love.

Oh. I got sidetracked.

So. Micro. The first time. More specifically, my Microbiology Lab class. I didn't really know anyone in my Lab, which was just fine with me - except when we had to team up to use the microscopes. I don't mind being teamed up with someone I don't know, mind you, but I don't like the feeling of looking around and wondering who else is looking for a partner. Well, the girl that sat across from me turned out to be my microscope buddy and as I was walking around the lab table, in a moment of grace, I stumbled over the leg of one of the stools. I'm cool like that.

I caught myself, stood up straight, and kind of laughed, "Whoo, I'm retarded." With a smile on my face.

However, the girl I was addressing did not smile. She looked at me with a concerned look on her face, dead straight, and said, "No, you're not."

{Eyebrows go up} What? I stopped, sized her up a little more carefully, trying to assertain whether she was serious or not and said, with a smile, "Yes. I am."

If possible, she got even more concerned and said, "No you're not. Don't say that about yourself."

Ummm . . . 

I once again kind of eyed her, not knowing where we should go from here and quickly mumbled, with a smirk, "Yes I am." as I sat down.

It was an awkward moment. And one that has stuck with me for more than ten years now. What to do with a person who doesn't understand self-depricating humor? Who actually argues with you when you laugh at yourself? It was weird.

But I've also realized that sometimes people just don't get it. So. If you are one of those people who just don't get it - don't say anything. When, on my blog or in person, I laugh at myself. I point out my inadequacies. I vent about my short-comings. Don't be the person to say, "No you're not."

I like having the occasional reality check with myself. But also, I don't have any problem with the way I view ME. I'm very comfortable in my skin. I like myself plenty. I'm not fishing for compliments or validation. I'm just talking.

July . . . How does your garden grow?

A little bit of random.

• What a busy month. Nels has been gone for most of the past 30 days. Either he's at work, he's sleeping in the bedroom (which didn't happen nearly enough), the girls and I were out of town (and he was working), or he's out of town. 
• He is currently out of town. He comes home Sunday night . . . and then leaves again for another five days on Wednesday. 
• It's been a long month of being hugely pregnant and a single mom. I really miss my friend.
• My garden? Sad. I think it was the Lord's way of saying, "Rachel. Just don't worry about it this year." I planted three {huge} rows of beans. We love canned beans at our house. I believe that I can count on two hands the number of plants that actually came up. I'm not retarded. I know how to plant beans. I think it was the Lord + bad seeds. 
• Oh well. Less work for me this Fall = still a lot of work to be done in the next month.
• I. DON'T. LIKE. WAITING. I'm not good at it. I don't know how to remedy this. -- Well, with anything other than Waiting.
• Walmart brand wipes are amazing at getting pen off my walls. Which is lucky for me because we have lots of wipes and lots of pen on my walls. (Courtesy of a certain someone whose name begins with a "V" and ends with a "iolet". Also, I'd be remiss in not sending a special thanks to the other people who we will kindly call "deadmeat" who keep leaving writing utensils all over the house.)
• Walmart brand wipes DO NOT get pencil off walls. A very frustrating fact - as that seems to be the afore unnamed person's current weapon of choice. As I sat, nearly cussing, at She-who-will-not-be-named last night, scrubbing away, my mind was going through all my cleaning agents - which are such excellent cleaners that if I were to use them on my walls, they would not only remover the pencil, but the paint as well. "They really need to create something that can get pencil off walls that wouldn't damage the paint. I'm sure I'm not the only mother in the history of this world with this problem." THEN. My mind caught hold of the magic solution! It is called E-RAS-ER. Ha! Like magic! We actually own two that Violet hasn't even chewed up yet!! I'm a GENIUS!!! After two weeks of fighting this losing battle to reclaim my walls from the dreaded pencil, I discovered a MIRACLE! So if YOU are ever in the heat of battle against pencil on walls, just remember this novel solution that I'VE come up with and go with the E-RAS-ER.
• Being pregnant helps my brain to work extra good. Very efficient, creative, and quick. That's me. When I'm pregnant. A Maz Ing. Me.
• Sometimes I think of making a list of 30 Things I'd Like to Do Before I'm 30. Then I realize I already have a list of 75 things that I'd like to do in the next three hours. 
• July is nearly over. August is coming. June was over before I could even catch my breath. July feels like it was a blur of stress and tiredness, interspersed with a few select moments of perfection. I have a feeling that August is going to feel like a tornado.
• Bring it on!

An Update: Short and Sweet . . . yeah, right.

I've been wasting time browsing around blogs and facebook for about an hour now. Trying to break away to complete the list of "to-do's" piling up, but REALLY I just want to write. So I'm going to do it. I'm going to give you a condensed (well, probably not) run-down of the laundry list of randomness that's been in the spin-cycle of my brain for the last few days.


first.
We're weaning Violet off her binky. --- I knew there was a reason why I preferred to do this at four months. The last two bedtimes have just been painful. But I am NOT going to keep crawling around on the floor in the middle of the night to find a binky so she can go back to bed. --- Especially since my expanding belly is making that increasingly uncomfortable. And I am NOT going to have two babies in my house using binkies, ya know?


second.
I went to Parent Teacher Conference with Lilie's teacher this morning. Lilie is amazing. Here are a few things her teacher loves about her.

Lilie is incredibly creative and artistic.

Lilie is a friend to everyone, very kind and inclusive. She takes others under her "wing" so to speak, and helps them feel a part of the group.

Lilie is always thinking. Her teacher says that she feels like she can literally see the wheels in Lilie's head turning. Thinking, thinking, thinking. 

Lilie is almost always happy, happy, happy. Very confident, very self-assured.

Lilie is very smart and has had no problem with any of her work. Mrs. Ball has moved her up to the first grade reading level, along with one other girl in her class. She loves learning and loves school.

The only problem that she mentioned with Lilie at all, is that sometimes she doesn't pay attention to what is going on, because she is caught up with whatever is going on in her head. :) Mrs. Ball said that it is probably just because Lilie gets a little bit bored sometimes with the Kindergarten curriculum.

I love my Lilie. None of the things that her teacher told me were really new or surprising, but it's nice to hear such positive feedback about my little wild girl from someone else. :) Lilie is so wonderful. She loves learning and she loves school. It is such a joy to be her mother.

third.
This pregnancy, that I am now . . . 17 weeks into (wow!) . . . has been really emotional for me. And guess what? I don't even really know why. To answer the shock/surprise/incredulity of, I'm sure, many of you --- yes. This baby was planned and we are WAY excited. But, FIVE! Holy smokes?! Can you believe that we are going to have FIVE kids???!!! (That's one little piece of the emotion.) I'm only going to be 29 and have five children . . . . . . . . . FIVE? I'm not even 29 YET! (That's a second piece.) Also, I feel like I'm entering a new phase of life . . . the one where I have five(!!!!) kids and I'm going to turn thirty and I'm getting to a point where covering up grey hair is a real problem (and I'm not talking about like, 4 hairs here gals. I know some of you that are complaining about four or five --- that's NOT what I'm talking about). I'm entering a phase where I can remember my mom at this age. I can remember my mom and I can remember being 18 and thinking that 29, 30 was really . . . old? mature? I don't know. All I DO know is that I wasn't expecting to get HERE and really feel like I'm still 18 years old. (Enter pieces three, four, five (FIVE?!), and a million.)

I am stoked about adding another little person to our family. I know that this is the right thing. I'm SO happy with where we are in our lives right now. I LOVE having my kids as close as they are. But at the same time .  . . how the heck did we get here???!! I'm just having one of those step-out-of-myself moments where it feels like I'm kind of removed from my life, looking in from a distance and trying to figure out how I got here. It happens to me on occasion. We're going along, taking life a day at a time, when BAM! I realize that my kids just got years older right before my eyes . . . only this moment is not lasting for like a day or a week, it's lasting for months and it's really weird.

fourth.
I don't really know if I want to tell ANYONE the gender of this baby before it arrives. After having four girls, I can tell you now, people say some idiotic things about the gender of your children when you have multiples of one gender. And I feel like for at least my last two babies, people have been actually DISAPPOINTED when I tell them that we're having a girl. (And for those of you who can't follow what I'm rambling about here, no. I don't know what THIS CURRENT baby is yet.)

With both Elsie and Violet, I repeatedly got this reaction to our announcing the gender of my baby. "Ohhhh . . . . . . . . really? Well . . . you're going to have more kids, right?" or "I'm sorry . . . well, at least it will be cheaper!" 

I am so sick of people only getting excited if we were going to have a boy! And I am so sick of stupid people's comments! I don't want people's condolences if we have another girl and I don't want people's OVER excitement if we're having a boy.

I would be thrilled to have a boy, and I am thrilled if this little baby is a girl too! I'm so excited for whatever little person is going to be joining our family, because either way, we certainly don't make them dull! :)  . . . . . we'll just have to wait and see if I let you all be excited with us or not (on Monday!), when we find out or if I make you all wait another 5 months!! :) Rude, huh?

fifth.
oh. my. goodness. FIVE?! AHHH! ha ha ha ha ha! we're nuts!!! I love it!

Oh, Glory Be!

It's March. Glory, glory.

It's Friday. Glory BE!

We made it, people!

We made it through February. Sorry to all those who have February birthdays, but I do not like that month. Every year, I think, this year is going to be different . . . But you know what? Every once in a while, it is. Mostly, I just don't like February.

February in Idaho . . . . it's when you know that winter will never release its grip. Everything starts to look dirty and icy and yucky. It's overcast and grey. Ick. Some people are masterful at motivating themselves right through February, projects and painting. For me, this February has felt sick and tired and messy. I'm so glad it's March.

So. No more complaining. The crocuses will be up in a few weeks and the days are getting longer. Everyone is feeling pretty good most days - finally! So let's share a few little fabulous things that have been on my mind.

#1: The conversation I had with Elsie last night.
Being LDS, we follow what we call the Word of Wisdom. Among other things, we do not drink coffee or tea.

E: Mommy. Coffee is not good for our bodies.

Me: No, it's not.

E: Is it good for Bad Guys?

Me: (smiling) No. It's not good for any bodies.

E: Oh. What coffee is good for?

Me: Uh . . . I don't know.

E: Is it good for fire?

Me: Yeah. It's probably good for fire.

This kid makes me laugh every day. She has an obsession with Bad Guys. Here is another conversation I had recently with my Princess.

Elsie: Mom. I'm gonna kill Bad Guys. Who are you gonna kill?

Me: What?! Um. I'm not going to kill anyone.

Elsie: But we kill bad guys.

Me: Umm . . . Elsie, we're not going to kill anyone, okay? :)

She is an awesome, firey kid. I love her.


#2: I received a beautiful dress in the mail this week!

With Genny's upcoming wedding next month, I needed a new dress. I finally broke down and bought a dress from a website I shared with you nearly a year ago (www.eShakti.com).

I LOVE it. They have a lot of really wonderful dresses and the best part, you can customize the dress to fit YOU! Many dresses have the option of changing the neckline, sleeve, or length and all of them you can have customized to fit your body exactly - with your measurements. If you search online, you can find many places with codes for 20% off --- and all first orders with eShakti get free customization. Awesome.

I'm very, very happy with it and will have to post some pictures soon. This is the dress I ordered.


#3: I just booked myself a trip!

My sweet cousin, Amber, lives in Washington. Nels and I have gone to visit them twice in the years they've lived there. Once, our first summer after getting married - when I was very pregnant with Hazel, and again two summers ago - with all the kiddos. It was so much fun and I have been craving to go again.

Amber and I are three months apart and lived across the street from one another until second grade. It was a truly tragic day in my young life when they moved. I cannot remember one trip to visit her, all growing up --- or into adulthood actually, that didn't end in tears at departure. To this day she remains one of my very, very best friends in the whole world. And if there were a way to arrange for us to be next door neighbors, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Today I booked the plane tickets to go see her later this month! I'm SO excited!


#4: Nels is cleaning the garage and the van for me.

A miracle! Nels is home on a Saturday and isn't sick! Glory, glory!


#5: My fish tank got an upgrade.

We were in Salt Lake this last weekend and while there, I picked up some new fish. Upon returning home, I rearranged all the rocks and plants. I know it sounds trivial to most of you, but it is so wonderful to once again feel excited about my fish.

As I was spending hours and hours watching my fish this week, Nels said, "You know, I'd never have a fish tank all on my own, but I can understand why you like it. In essence, you're creating your own little ecosystem. Something to control and change life."

Ah. Success. This from the man who said that he hated fish six years ago. They'll grow on him yet. I just know it.


#6: My Violet is growing up.

Sometimes this doesn't feel fabulous -- she's such a good baby -- but it really is. She is so much fun and I so love to see all the new things that she's learning. Her birthday is coming up this week! Hooray for being ONE!

Photosynthesis: converting sunlight into energy

There are few things in the world that do it for me like morning sunlight streaming through the blinds in my yellow bedroom.

Nels, hates it - wishing it would hide away and he could sleep longer - so he retreats to the dark cave that is our basement to lie with a blanket tented around the heat vent. :)

But for me, a new day dawns and I love those sweet rays of light streaking across me.

We've been a bit under the weather here at our house the past week. -- Dishes have gone undone day after day - only for Nels to come home and do one load, but that still isn't enough to empty the sink - just enough to make room to get a drink from the tap. My sparkly clean laundry room is filling to overflowing - again. "Something" sticks to my feet every time I cross the kitchen floor. My fish tank needs cleaned - as do the toilets. Wet clothes lie in heaps in both bathrooms as well --- left where they fell and then used as bath mats on the way out of the tub - since the bath mat was covered with clothes. We have no soap or milk or Merlins to cast magic spells that will instruct the kitchen to clean itself.

But.

This morning, the sun is shining across my back - making horizontal lines of warm and cool up and down the muscles. And today? I think maybe there is a little bit of magic available to me. Ever heard of human photosynthesis? :)

Teeter Totter

I feel like such a mess lately.

I'm sure it doesn't help that (other than our vacation) I've felt much like a single parent lately . . .

Just overwhelmed, tired, fine, not-fine, self-conscious, mad, happy, emotional, dead-to-the-world, productive, lazy . . . . Just basically C.R.A.Z.Y.

It's awesome.

Trying to balance my time and energy, yet still wanting to do everything and basically failing at everything. I feel spread too thin between a million different things that I want to be amazing at. I want to be able to do everything - to the ability that I know I could - if it was the only thing in my life.

I want to be a better mom. I want to be a better homemaker. I want to be a better cook. A better decorator. A better friend. A better wife. A better me.

-----------

I have a long, long list of projects that I want to complete -- finish painting the basement, finish remaking my filing cabinet, paint the cupboard door in the bathroom, paint and hang my shutters, organize my laundry room and my storage room, paint the girls room, crochet baby hat, sew nightgowns for my girls, finish sewing dresses for girls, paint Elsie's bed, make birdies for little girls' room, make curtains for closet in little girls' room, make bed skirt for Elsie's bed, paint downstairs bathroom, dig up dead bush in front flower bed, weed front flower bed, clean out garage, clean out coat closet . . . the list goes on and on and on.

I either don't start them when I have time or start them and then get sidetracked - not finishing them until months or YEARS later - if ever. I hate it. My follow through has been terrible for years! I dream of having a different house and leaving my current "to-do's" for this house behind. Seriously. I have dreams about it.

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I love the kids in our neighborhood. They're wonderful and such good friends for my kids. I don't know what I'd do without them. At the same time, there is one little girl, in particular, that is troublesome to me. With her, three is ALWAYS a crowd. One of my girls is always on the outs. She can be mean and nasty and sneaky. Encouraging my children to do things that they know are wrong - behind my back. She just waltzes into our backyard whenever she desires. I can't tell my kids that I don't want them to play with friends on any given day, because if they're outside, even in our own backyard - she magically materializes. And I just get sick of all the drama that ensues when they're playing together.

Sometimes they all get along great. Sometimes the problems are not her fault at all. Mostly I'm glad that my children have a friend to play with. But sometimes, I want to kick her little fanny. Lately, I want to kick her little fanny. I'd like to have a gate on my side yard that would allow me to close it - and even lock it when I so choose.

------------------

My ten year class reunion is coming up next month. I want to go. I've been planning on going for years. At the same time . . . I feel weird. I'm so very happy with my life, but at the same time, I don't know that I want to deal with all the comparing that will inevitably be part of the experience. Not that I wish my life were different or I'm not satisfied and completely confident in the life that I lead. I love my girls. I love husband. I'm happy with where we are and where we're headed. I love who I am and I love the role that I'm fulfilling at this time in my life . . . it's just . . .

I don't look the way I want to. I don't have the time or organization to exercise the way I want to. I'm eating for two and thus don't eat quite the way I should . . . I had a baby four months ago.

I haven't seen any of those people in over TEN YEARS! Good grief. I only knew them for three years when I was in high school. Do I really care to re-form relationships that for the most part I have not missed - even a little bit? I don't really know those people anymore. They don't know me.

I can exude confidence - but really? I don't like being around people I don't know. I get nervous. I don't know what to say. Get me past that self-conscious place, and I can have a grand old time - with minimal discomfort, but right now? I don't know . . . 

At the same time, there are a few people that I'd really like to see and catch up with. -- But what if those people don't even come???

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I'm a mess. And here's what think is happening:

have you ever started a lawnmower? You know, you pull the rope and nothing happens and then you pull it again, it sputters a little then dies. So you push the little primer button a few times, and then pull again. It slowly starts and then suddenly ROARS to life. Then you turn down the motor speed a little, so that it sounds and feels normal and off you go. (Sorry if this analogy is lost on some. I like mowing the lawn.)

Well, that's how I feel. I feel like my hormones have been more sedentary since having Violet - yet right now, they seem to be starting up. Pulled and stretched, then nothing. Sputtering a little then dying. Roaring to life! - on high gear - and they need to be turned down just a little bit. So we can go along happily at a normal speed again. I'm a little high strung right now. Wound too tight.

Each of us battle every single day against the demons that we have. When I'm emotionally where I should be, the wall I build against them is strong and rarely penetrable. I'm happy with me. I like me. I'm not everything I want to be, but I'm happy with my efforts and I know that I'm making progress. Life and change takes time. Different phases come and go. As I stay close to the Lord, I feel peace and happiness and joy. There are times of craziness, but there's always an underlying calm. I feel good. The little doubts and fears and insecurities take a back seat to the person I really am.

However, I feel like my hormones are going cooky right now and they're busting holes in my wall. It's very frustrating.

Give it a week and I'll probably be fine again.

And yet, at the same time, I know exactly how to fix it NOW. And I'm not doing it.

The answer (for me) is to get to work.

Stop whining, stop indulging, stop delaying.

Just get to work.

I know this, because I've seen it throughout my whole life. My parents have been incredible examples to me of this principle. I've seen it work in my own life.

Stop waiting to "feel like it" and just DO IT.

As I DO IT, I start to FEEL LIKE IT.

I need to stop waiting for this phase to move on and choose to be happy where I am.

Too often we tell ourselves, "I'll be happy when . . . " I know that we can be happy NOW. What if things DON'T change. What about all the things out of our control? People out of our control? Are we going to waste our lives away waiting for someone or something else to make us happy?

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I don't know what I'm going to do about going to my reunion. I really don't know.

But today - I'm going to:

take a shower.
clean the kitchen.
make bread.
finish at least ONE project.
talk to my neighbor about building a GATE for our yard.
sort and do laundry.
MOW the LAWN.

And choose to speak softer, feel kinder, and accept the peace that the Lord will give as I ask for it.

A Little Randomness

I love the engrossed look on each of the girls' faces - well, except Violet's. 

She didn't much care for it.

Must have been a good book, huh? :)

Such busy weeks we've had around here. Every summer seems to feel that way and blogging drops off severely. And every summer, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking of all the things that I want to have recorded. It gets put off and either doesn't happen at all or is so vague that it's really not any fun anymore. I hope that doesn't happen this summer. Not because it breaks my little heart when my posts are so few and far between that I don't get any comments :) or because I feel bad for that no one knows what's going on in our lives, but because I genuinely love my blog. I LOVE going through old posts and seeing the antics, the accomplishments, and the random little moments that we've had and captured. 

My memory is sporadic and can remember all the words to a thousand different songs or information from an eighth grade geology lesson, but important events and memories? Nah. I think it's some lingering brain damage from childhood or something. If I don't write it down, it's gone. I also want my children to be able to remember it too. To know a little about what they were like as children and what I was like. Why would I want them to remember such things??? Well, I guess so that when they act like retards while raising their own children, they'll know where they get it from. :) 

I also want them to remember that while I sometimes screamed and yelled and generally lost it, I really, really, really love them. They bring me so much joy.

If You Give A Mom A Project

Let's write a post that is not on Friday, shall we? It's been a while.

Today and yesterday instead of cleaning all the normal things (like dishes and floors and laundry and children etc. -- you know, the things that make your house LOOK clean) I have had Maternal Attention Deficit Disorder. MADD. :) I start a project, cleaning or otherwise, and get completely distracted while right in the middle. Yesterday it was causing me considerable anxiety. Today, I'm just going to embrace it.

I was doing the dishes, then the phone rang. I got it out of my purse and noticed some stray bobby pins in the pocket. Took the pins to put away in the bathroom and noticed that the cupboard is really messy. Start pulling things out of the cupboard. Open the vanity to put some of the clutter in there, but it's even worse. Pull everything out of the vanity. Find a small, old travel case filled with baby supplies that I don't want. Realize it will make an excellent first aid kit for my purse. Spend the next hour picking through all the junk on the bathroom floor and spilling out into the hallway to make a well stocked first aid kit that barely fits in the pocket of my purse. Decide all the first aid supplies should be in the bathroom cupboard. Organize them. Take random medicines to the hall closet. WOW. the hall closet is bad too! Empty the hall closet, adding to the 823 things strewn across the two areas that my children are not allowed to touch. Put Elsie down for a nap and remember that I needed to email a couple of people before 3 o'clock. Zip to the computer to email . . . AND check blogs . . . AND need to post, it's been a while . . .

. . . 45 minutes later.

I am hearing a noise, just now. Looking out the window, noticing my garbage cans trying to blow down the street. And remembering why I was at the computer to begin with ---- I need to set somethings out on the lawn for someone to pick up --- now! RUN! Hurry Rachel! You're neighbor just ran over your garbage can lid!

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Hmm. After picking up the garbage cans, straightening the lids, and dragging things to the lawn --- Just proofread through my post . . . before going to think about what to make for dinner tonight ---- which will then require me to finish the dishes . . .

I just realized that my life sounds just about like the book "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie."

When I Say Nothing At All

I sat down today wanting to write you all a lovely blog post. I sat down today thinking, "What a wonderful day. I'm going to blog real quick and then I'm going to clean up my house." I sat down at the computer this morning at 8:45 - before Hazel and Lilie were awake.

Then - Photoshop decided to no longer work. WHAT? I don't know how to edit my pictures without it. This stinks. Tried a few other things - downloaded a program. Need help from my savvy husband.

My children woke up this morning so happy. So cute with their bed-head that was actually from YESTERDAY morning. They are adorable. I looked in the bedroom to see that as they had played for an hour and a half last night after they were put in bed, they'd made quite the little mess. I told them that as soon as their toys were picked up I'd make them some breakfast. --- It is now 2:35 as I write this. They are still in their bedrooms. Their toys are 24 minutes from being permanently disposed of.

I hate being a mad mom. I am deciding to not be a mad mom. I am deciding to be a matter-of-fact mom. Choices = Consequences. They sure do for me anyway. And they will also do so for my children.

I sat down at the computer this morning ready to post a bunch of pictures and write a little post on how

I have realized that when I have something to say that I CAN'T / SHOULDN'T / WON'T say, I don't say much of anything. Hmm.

If I don't say it all, I don't say much of anything.

My brain is overflowing, my mouth - well . . . fingers - are offering no relief. So I avoid my blog. It's sad to me. --- But it won't last forever. I promise.

Something I've been steadily learning over the past few years is that we go through stages of development. (Duh, right? Stay with me, I'm getting to the point. :) Whether as a baby, five-year-old, or even a twenty-seven year old. I think we all need to learn HOW to speak. (Not just in baby terms.) To learn to say what is really in our minds and in our hearts. How to share ourselves with others, regardless of how they will respond. How to feel as if the things inside are important enough to share. ---- THEN, after that, if we are lucky, we go through another stage of development. It's called learning WHEN to speak and WHEN to shut up. Learning that even though you CAN say something, you don't NEED to or you SHOULDN'T.

I'm a work in progress. I'm still developing. Thank goodness for a loving Heavenly Father who is the perfect teacher.

So.

That's a little of what has broken out of my thoughts and made it to my post today. Just something to think about. It's not "this morning" anymore, life has "interfered" :), but it made it out. And in the past 23 minutes, those cute little bed-headed girls accomplished something that they just thought was TOO HARD and TOO MUCH.

Sometimes sifting through all the random mess of things IS hard. But it's possible. It's going to be a good day.