Goodbye, Baby

Well. I think we've made it.

We are past babyhood.

Potty training has been done for a while (we haven't bought diapers in probably two months, but I didn't want to jinx myself) and Clara can say her own name.

Goodbye, Cwawa.

I'm going to miss you more than you know.

(cue the tears)

How can you be so ready for something to end and yet want to go backward and start all over again at the same time? I honestly don't know that I'll ever feel like I don't want to have a little baby in my life. Especially MY little baby.

This is a hard time period for me. And I think it's going to last for . . . ever.

Daughters in His Kingdom

The sun spills into our bedroom windows early every morning - a fact that Nels is not overly fond of, but which I love.

This morning it is especially bright and prompts me to get up before the rest of my family. I need to bake the bread that had been rising on the counter all night for lunches today and I have five bodies in the home that have been in need of some clean clothing for a while.

I actually love doing laundry in the quiet morning sunlight. I hasn't been happening much, as evidenced by the five loads waiting to be washed, but I need to make it my routine. It makes me happy.

I turn on the oven, dump my bubbly dough onto the counter to rise a second time, and find the last session of General Conference to listen to while I start the washer and plunge into the four loads awaiting folding. Testimonies of Jesus Christ from apostles of the Lord fill my soul and I am reminded how important it is to drink from Living Waters daily. Another thing that hasn't been happening nearly often enough.

The girls wake up, Nels needs clothes that haven't been washed yet, the bread is cooking, and it's time for breakfast. The morning is rocky and filled with some frustration as I try (in vain?) to teach my girls to be responsible for getting themselves ready for school. I'm rushing to finish lunches, packing up hot bread. Everyone is late this morning. Again. {sigh}

Get Violet breakfast (she's almost always last to rise), clean up the spilled milk and flying flour. Change a diaper and back to the laundry.

As I slip the headphones onto my head I start THIS talk. Given at the General Women's Meeting in March and am transported back to attending that meeting with my two darling older girls. My eyes fill with tears and I remember that I still haven't written about that experience. Maybe it's just small, but I don't want to forget.

This was the first year that all the women of the church have met together in a General meeting. Both the Young Women and the Relief Society have each had their own yearly meetings, but this year all women from age 8 and up were combined. I've never had a chance to attend something like this with my daughters and the Spirit was overwhelming.

As I listened to counsel from inspired women and a loving apostle, tears streamed down my face and I was given a glimpse of the blessing it is to me to walk this path of life with these courageous, righteous, and beautiful girls at my side. I was reminded that these girls are my equals in every way. We knew and loved one another before we came to this earth and we are here to help each other return to the Father and do a great work while here. The meeting was one of the most spiritually charged moments I've had in parenting and I know that my girls felt it as well. Both Hazel and Lilie had tears in their eyes for much of the meeting as they snuggled their sweet faces into each of my shoulders and repeatedly told me how much they love me. They whispered to me how much they want to do the right thing and how happy they were.

I am truly a blessed woman.

Hullabaloo

Being a mom is seriously hard.

I cannot do it all.

I recall the words of my sister a few years ago when asked why she doesn't update her blog, "I don't need one more thing to fail at." At the time, my cousin and I scoffed. What could she be talking about? She's an amazing mom to four perfect children. She's talented. She volunteers. She keeps an immaculate home and yard. She serves in the church. She is kind and graceful and beautiful. What is she talking about???

Yet here I am, five or so years down the road, and I finally understand.

How can I keep it all together? 

I read poems:

Song for a Fifth Child 

by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton 

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,

Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,

Hang out the washing and butter the bread,

Sew on a button and make up a bed.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?

She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue

(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

Dishes are waiting and bills are past due

(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).

The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew

And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo

But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.

Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?

(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,

For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.

I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

YES. This probably is a poem for the mom with five kids. She's learned that it's okay to leave the dishes. Let's go play in the backyard and make dandelion chains! I've got three loads of laundry to fold, but let's go to the beach instead. I should be wiping down the table so that I don't have dried spaghetti sauce stuck onto it tomorrow morning while we're rushing to eat breakfast, but instead I'm going to rock my sweet little one-year-old to sleep.

But you know what? Tomorrow comes.

Someone has to do the shopping. Someone has to fold the laundry. Someone has to make dinner. Someone should clean the month old spilled juice off the floor. (thank goodness the floors are dirty enough to cover it so it's no longer sticky, just unsightly) Someone is still thinking of the unhappy morning that was had - arguing with her oldest daughter ---- around and around and around in the never-ending attempts to bargain.

There are still appointments to keep, budgets to balance, bills to pay, nutritious meals to make.

If I don't wash the laundry, NO ONE HAS SOCKS OR CLEAN PANTS OR UNDIES OR SWIMMING SUITS TO WEAR TO THE BEACH.

And if I don't go shopping, there's nothing to EAT. Because we already ate all of our easy meals. Everyone's hungry and there aren't even saltines.

If I don't keep my appointments I let myself and others down and nobody gets their immunizations and then you're playing catchup before kindergarten registration.

And what about my daughter and the arguing? How do I change that? It's all my fault. I know. But then? You know what? It's NOT all my fault! How do I change a dynamic that has been since she started talking? How do I give her independence and confidence? How do I let her know that I love her more deeply than I ever thought possible, that she is beautiful and smart and so very good? that she brings me so much happiness every single day? How? When every conversation that we have seems to end with frustration and tears? HOW DO I EVEN THINK ABOUT IT WHEN I'VE GOT 16,000 OTHER THOUGHTS THAT I'M JUGGLING?

How do I kiss them all goodnight and tuck them in, when I've still got dishes to do so that I can make breakfast the next morning - so that I can actually just sit down and think of nothing before we start again? I kiss them, I sing, I tuck them in and then bedtime never ends. I need a drink. I need a hug - you didn't give me one. Yes I did. Please go to sleep, you've already been out of your room 13 times tonight. It's 9:30 and you were so tired this morning and crying about everything so PLEASE JUST GO TO SLEEP BECAUSE I WANT TO END THIS NIGHT WITH YOU HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Being a mom is really hard.

This time will pass, much to my sorrow. I love my kids and I love the stages that they are at. I love them so much and wish they could always stay little.

But being a mom is the hardest thing ever.

and I'm going to be late for Clara's 18 month appointment - that I forgot to schedule 3 months ago.



Post Edit:

I was late.

Not because I decided to put on makeup to cover up the zits (why do I have zits? I'm not 13! Oh. It's because I don't wash my face at night.), because I made up for that by not looking for clean jeans, but wearing the same ones I have for the past week.

And not because I was looking for a clean shirt for Clara, because I just let her wear the one that she wore to bed last night.

But because today I found that Clara has learned how to open the back door all by herself. And as I ran through our two acres - franticly looking in the shed and the woods - hysterically calling her name with visions of her crawling through the barbed-wire fence to go pet the horsies (which is what she was doing three days ago when the sisters were supposed to be "watching" her), I realized that I'm

totally. losing. it.

I finally found her sitting very quietly on the recessed front step, sucking on rocks. and proceeded to cry a lot.

I also realized this while yelling through the phone at the dr's office receptionist when she said we had to cancel our stupid appointment. Because even though I sit for a minimum of 20 minutes in their lobby every time we have an appointment, apparently if I'm going to be 12 minutes late, that's their policy.

Then when we got back home and Clara was screaming for her binky and thrashing around because I won't give it to her unless she's taking a nap, I snapped. I cut the end off the bink, gave it to her, she screamed and threw a huge fit and I put her down for a nap . . . but had to hold the door closed for a while so she couldn't come out because, again, she can now open doors.

I'm losing my mind.

Sunshine is my Love Language

There was a time when I had envisioned that Mother's Day was equivalent to a Day Off - a Free Day. I even spent a few of them steaming about how they weren't.

I can remember tearful phone calls to my own mother, crying about how Nels was sick in bed or it was cold and I still was making dinner or how I missed my Mommy. :) She gently commiserated with me, recalling many, many a Mother's Day that was uneventful or stressful when I was the one twisting around on her skirt or having a meltdown in the front pew. Then she told me that she'd long ago decided to stop imagining Mother's Day to be something it's not and to spend the day enjoying BEING a mother.

Those words have stuck with me and sunk in a little more each year.

This year I LOVED my day enjoying those people that make me a mother.

As with every year, we took a beautiful drive. "Rachel, what do you want to do on your special day?"

I want to be outside with the people I love.

I am still amazed with the breathtaking beauty of this place. We drove up through Bonner's Ferry, waved to the Canadian border, and drove into lovely western Montana to stop at Kootenai Falls. So beautiful!

We then hiked downriver to the swinging bridge.

Seriously. Yikes! and fun. and Yikes! :)

Do they look nervous? Yes.

My two older girls were a *little* scaredy. 

The younger three? Fearless, I tell you! 

Skipping and hopping . . . I think age makes you more aware of your mortality. :)

^SHE^ made me very nervous . . . 

. . . not so nervous that we actually crossed the bridge like this - she just thought it was hilarious . . . 

. . . but more like this - where I almost squeezed her independent little hand off.

SHE LOVED THE BRIDGE!

She doesn't like to hold hands --- "NO! No, no, Mommy!"

photo bomb! :)

She made up for being a stinker-pot by giving me lots of kisses and hugs from behind. :)

I love these GoPro-wide-angle shots. They make everyone look funny.
I believe Nels is jogging in this picture. Violet clearly thinks it's a blast. :)

After some fun hiking at the falls, we headed down the road a bit to Ross Creek Cedars State Park - an old-growth cedar forest with some trees that are over 500 years old. It was beautiful and magical and we can't wait to return again when we have more time for make-believe.

The perfect FORT! 

Daddy helped explore hollow trees.

strike a COOL pose! :)

As we were hiking back to the van there was some kind of lovely whistling sound all around in the trees. Some sort of evening bird, I'm guessing? The girls preferred my idea that it was tiny little fairies. :)

It was such a beautiful day! How thankful I am for all that I learn and all that I give and all that I receive. I am so blessed.

And how thankful I am for my own sweet Mother. I can never be out in the glorious world without wishing that she were with me - without wishing that I could share the beauty with her - the beauty of the earth and the beauty of my happy children. I think of her daily. How grateful I am for her goodness, her selflessness, her love, and her example. I owe all that I am to my Mama.

I am blessed to come from a long line of beautiful, generous, hard working, faithful, strong women. I can't wait to know them someday. I can't wait to know my grandmothers for the incredible women that they are. I have great confidence that they are beside me often as I struggle my way through this life. I believe with all of my heart that a mother's love does not end with this life.

How thankful I am for that.

What a magnificent thing it is to be a mother.

Dropping the Ball

Tonight I lay next to my sweet Hazel while she receives hefty antibiotics and morphine.

I am overcome with immense guilt.

I don't know how to deal with it. I can't sleep. I want to just stay awake and stroke her hair and watch over get to make sure that she's okay.

I should have brought her in Sunday night. As I went down the list of symptoms for appendicitis, I could check off every. single. one.

In the end I hesitated --- vacillating over a minor detail and not wanting to spend the extra money on an unwarranted ER visit.

I could put some blame on the misdiagnosis of the pediatrician we saw the next morning, but in the end, I feel like I failed my daughter by not taking her in the night before. For discounting her pain for the next 36 hours. For pushing down my concern at her intermittent fever. For attributing her sallow complexion to not eating for a couple days.

I should have done better.


I'm so sorry, Hazel.
You are so beautiful and so good.
You are far stronger and braver than I gave you credit for.
Please forgive my weaknesses and stupidity.
Please know that there is no price so high that I wouldn't pay it to see you happy and healthy.
You amaze me with your strength and kindness and and gentleness.
I feel I don't deserve you, but thank you for being so forgiving as I stumble my way so clumsily through motherhood.
Thank you for the example that you set for me.
You and your sisters are my greatest gift.
I love you with my whole heart.
I'm so sorry that so much of the time I don't know what I'm doing or how to do it.



12 hours ago, after a second visit to the pediatrician in as many days, Hazel and I were sent to the hospital for a CT scan and it was quickly determined that she had a ruptured appendix. She was immediately prepped for and underwent a laparoscopic surgery to remove the offender and the resulting infection. She and I will be spending the next couple of days here in the hospital as she recovers.

No Handbook Provided . . .

I so love when one of those raging-mad moments can turn into a teaching moment.

{{{sigh}}}

There is a merciful God in Heaven. I know it.

This evening, while dinner was in the oven, Hazel, Lilie, and I had it all out.

The emotions went from zero to crazy in about 10 seconds.

There was a great deal of dust and dirt, sassing and weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth going on. It wasn't pretty.

I tell you what --- you don't want to get into a power play with me. I can hardly contain myself. Just ask my family about how Rachel can't help herself but have the last word.

Darn it. I still haven't really grown up in many some ways.

However, once we all calmed our-sweet-selves down and the dust and frustration was washed down the drain, I had a chance to sit and talk to my girls while brushing their hair and painting their nails. We got to the heart of the problem and were able to commit to do better in the future.

Sometimes in the heat of the battle and the busy-ness of each day I miss out on these moments to connect with my kids ----- but when they DO come . . . it's like heaven on earth. I would say that those are some of the most rewarding experiences that I've had - certainly in parenting but perhaps in my entire life.

Hazel is always so open, so transparent. She is so forgiving and understanding and so willing and wanting to do her very best. She reminds me so much of Nels in that way. I love it. I'm pretty sure that she teaches me far more than I teach her. It is so vitally important to her to be able to talk through the issue, resolve it, and then let it go with a smile and a hug. When I get upset, she just melts --- her emotion level always matching my own. I can see how, through her, the Lord is giving me an opportunity to grow and learn to be a calmer and more loving mother. He is teaching me how to be more like Him. God truly sends very special (and strong) people to be first-borns.

Lilie is harder to crack open. She holds her fears, insecurities, and guilt close to her heart. It doesn't even come across her face or often manifests as anger. She is so like me. She takes things harder than I realize. We sat on the bathroom floor and I painted her finger nails bright red tonight and as I did, she told me (through tears) how she felt like the consequences that inevitably befell the two of them were all her fault. We talked about what happened and talked through her feelings. It's been amazing to me how in the last couple of months, we've had a few of these moments and it has been so wonderful to have a chance to help her understand herself a bit better and, in so doing, I come to see myself a little more clearly.

I've often complained that children don't come with an instruction manual. I mean, seriously. What kind of Plan is this? that sends sweet, innocent children down to a couple of dummies for parents that have no clue what they're doing???

However, over the course of the past 9 years, I've also been given some very clear impressions that this is EXACTLY the Plan.

And for good reason.

This is the way it was meant to be and our learning here on earth is definitely not finished when that first little child is placed in our arms. That's when real learning begins.

For all my practicing, I'm never going to get it all the way right ---- but as long as I'm doing my best, the Lord can make up for my severe shortcomings in both my life and the lives of those sweet, innocent children.

And tonight, I'm so thankful that it ended well -- with both girls cuddled up on the couches clean, smiling, and reading

-- and that there are two loads of laundry that I'M not going to have to fold tomorrow.   :)

Photo Challenge Day 17: Technology

I'm skipping Day 16 for now. It's Long Exposure and it's just not happening.

There is a lot of technology that I use in my life everyday. . .

. . . Technology.

It sounds kind of old-fashioned and strange to even call it that.

Oh well. Whatevs. I'm in a time crunch and I'm not going to spend the next 15 minutes thinking of an easier or more clever way to write two sentences.

....................

Anyway.

I just spent the last 15 minutes thinking of a way to write about my subject matter without sounding like a boring weirdo as I gush about my new washer and dryer.

I now need to rush to get Elsie to preschool, so I'm just going to say -

A) that I think they're extra cool because they wash huge loads

B) I think it's weird that they have computers for brains

and

C) no freaking wonder I never blog anymore! It's been so long that I'm out of practice writing - so most of what I write gets erased because it's a little "too real". I've finally realized that having 5 kids is a whole lot of work. The whole time I'm writing or working at the computer at all, I'm trying to pull kids and kittens out from under the computer desk because they keep pushing the button the power strip and turn off the computer. And I end up feeling the whole time like I'm going to punch someone.

Here is my photo of the day. 8 months late.

Practice

Pretty much since moving into this house, I have been in a weird funk.

I love living here. I love the area. I love the people. I love the house. I love my family and I love the time that we've been able to regain as a family since moving here. I am happy.

At the same time, I've had this crazy underlying tension, always lying in wait for when I get too tired or too hormonal or . . . something.

I am trying to do everything. And I can't.

And it's really frustrating.

I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to make sure that the priorities of my life are in the right order. I'm trying to maintain a home with seven people. I clean and I clean and I clean and I wash and fold and wash. I love it and sometimes I feel like my children are the sloppiest people on earth and sometimes I nag my husband because he doesn't see the "to-do's" the way I do and sometimes I take a Sunday afternoon nap and regret it for the next two days because of all I should have gotten done instead of sleeping for 4 hours while the children threw popcorn kernels and cut-up pieces of paper all over the house. Some days I work from before sun-up until well after everyone else in the house is asleep. And it's still not all done.

But mostly I just love it.

I love the process of figuring things out. I truly don't find my role as Homemaker monotonous. I'm just practicing over and over and over and over and over again, trying to figure it out like a chemical reaction or something. Do I find the never-ending laundry monotonous? Yes. Do I find the phrase, "Put away your backpack and shoes, in the closet, with the door closed." monotonous? Yes. But that's just part of my job. Not THE job.

My problem is that, like a chemical reaction or a math equation, I seem to think that I'm going to figure it out some day. (Like, today.) And I can't seem to do it.

And it's making me crazy.

I want to be able to
manage the physical, social, psychological, and spiritual needs of five people all under the age of 9
manage our schedules - without forgetting things like dr. appts, activities, field trips, church functions
maintain basic order in a home where 7 people live
make menus and budgets that are balanced and economical
have a beautiful yard, because I love gardening
blog several times a week, because I love it and I don't want to forget and I love it
read the scriptures daily, because I truly want to grow closer to the Savior
pray (regularly) with real purpose, for my children, for Nels, for me, for my friends and family, for my calling
exercise, lose baby weight and feel strong again
actually sit down during the day
make time to have fun with my family
actually sit down during the day
make things, via yarn, fabric, paint, etc.

and to top it all off, along with my large family, I also keep adding more living things into my life in the form of fish and birds and plants that also need care and attention and maintenance. (what is WRONG with me?!!!)

And I feel like I'm failing.

I don't know how to fit it all in.

Go ahead. Ask me about it. I'll probably burst into tears right before your eyes. It's happened a couple of times now with near strangers. It's awesome.

I cried to my mom about it this morning. For a long time. She told me that she understood exactly how I felt. She told me that while she does try to make time to pray on her knees, most of the time she prays on her feet or while driving in the car.

She told me that I'm doing a good job.

And it made me actually feel better. Because she was speaking the truth.

She reminded me that Heavenly Father sends perfect children to dummies all over the world, that's part of his plan. It's a process, an important process. One that takes a L.O.N.G. time. And she reminded me that only Satan tells me I'm not doing good enough.

I just need to tell him to get off of my back. (and sometimes I do. literally.)

And I felt the truth in her words when she told me that I don't have to be perfect.

I still don't know how to fit all the important things that I want into my life, but my mama reminded me that it's just practice. I'm doing a good job.

And the desires of our hearts count for a lot.

The Scenes of Sunday

I love Sunday.

I love this Sunday.

Last Sunday, after being late for church three Sundays in a row I made a vow to never be late - because of me - again. Sure, if a bomb blows up in my living room, I'll give myself a break --- but never again because I wasn't ready.

(That being said, I have five other people to get ready every Sunday as well, so it's not like I'm sittin' around on my rear all morning or anything when everyone is ready to walk out the door but me . . . )

So. This morning I was up by 6:30. Showered, dressed, and ready before breakfast. I got all five girls ready with 3 bathed, 4 heads of blonde hair curled, five bodies dressed with SHOES! and dinner 80% made - all while Nels was writing a talk for Sacrament Meeting.

(A talk which, by the way, went incredibly well. It was so good.)

We were there with time to spare.

I love this Sunday.

I love sitting by the fireplace and looking out the back windows at the mountains and the sunset while Nels sleeps on the floor next to me on Sunday.

I love hearing my girls teach themselves how to play the piano on Sunday.

I love this beautiful girl who begged to stay in her purple church dress and frilly slip - that comes and lays her head on my knees on Sunday.

I love sweet sisters who love and snuggle and maul each other on Sunday.

I love this baby that is not only crawling and pulling herself up to everything and cruising around the furniture - but also has just started letting go of that furniture and standing all on her own for a second or two on this Sunday.

Even though she doesn't realize that she's still just too little to do such things.

And I love this little Chick with the chicks who is conspicuously absent in all the photos that I took on this Sunday afternoon because she was graciously sleeping off her crazies. :) 

From the Back-Burner: Motherhood

I've spent some time this morning watching a 20/20 segment about Stephanie Nielson. I've talked about her before on my blog and have been following her story for the past 2 1/2 years or so.

Maybe because her story is so triumphant and tragic all at the same time, maybe because I love her sense of retro style and bright colors, maybe because she and I are so close in age - her children close to my own children's ages ---- I can sympathize with her.

Maybe it's just because her sister, Courtney, lives in the house that MY sister once lived in and I can remember sleeping a night in one of the rooms where her children now sleep and I can remember eating lunch in her notorious "green room". :)

*wink*

Regardless of the reason for my fascination, her story always moves me to tears and I am always impressed with her faith in a loving Father and with her love of family - of the everyday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The way my brain works, I seem to have random thoughts - many of which I don't have answers for - thoughts that are recurring. I don't have a category for them. I don't have a conclusion. So instead, my brain seems to file them to the "back-burner" where they stay for days, weeks, months, years . . .  Just sitting there, in the back, gathering information as I go about my merry way. Eventually, I find the right file. I find a way to have a more solid answer. I find a way to express them. And then they're not there "cooking" anymore . . . . at least for the time being. :)

My brain has been "cooking up" some thoughts on motherhood recently and watching Stephanie's interview this morning, finally brought things to a place where I felt like sharing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mother's Day was last Sunday. For the second year in a row, Nels was dead sick. He was up most of the night puking - or feeling like he was dying on the bathroom floor. At 7:00 in the morning, Hazel brought me breakfast in bed. :) What a sweet girl. She made toast and poured Kool-Aid all by herself. :) What a darling daughter I have.

After thanking her, I went straight back to sleep.

I got up, dressed, made breakfast, got everybody ready. Nels was definitely not going to make it to church. He felt bad and said he was feeling "quite a bit better", but I knew that if he went to church, he'd be useless the whole rest of the day anyway, so I told him to just stay home with Violet.

Regardless of what I said I learned last year, I still went through much of the day on the verge of tears, mad at such a stupid holiday. Mad that I was at home cooking and cleaning instead of being able to drown my disappointment at a party for my own sweet mother - being held at my sister's home in Utah. I was mad at Nels for letting himself get sick. I was really mad that I couldn't just run away from my stupid feelings by taking my children up in the mountains for some fun (like I've done the past two Mother's Days), because it was rainy and cold and windy.

And I was most angry with myself for even feeling the way I was feeling.

I finally called my mom to tell her I loved her and to cry to her about what an idiot I was being. She did indeed confirm my idiocy and counseled me to stop whining and spend the rest of the day having fun with my kids - regardless of the weather.

By the time dinner was made, Nels was up and enjoyed it with us. He then proceeded to make ginger snaps for all of us, while I read "Aliens for Breakfast" to Hazel and Lilie.

It was good. I, once again, learned a few undesirable things about myself and I, once again, had some more things to simmer on my back-burner. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love being a mother. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I believe that being a wife and mother is my crowning glory in this life and the next. There is nothing so important as this role for me. 

I watched a documentary recently where one of the "experts" they were interviewing basically defined parenthood as a whole bunch of horrible, mixed with a few good moments. Leaving the parent with perhaps a day to day view of life as being generally difficult, discontent, and unrewarding, but an overall view of life with satisfaction because you have purpose.  - Generally, day to day life sucks. It's just when you step back, that you feel satisfied. - And for those people who have no children - generally their day to day lives feel very gratifying or satisfying, but when they looked at the overall picture of their lives, only then did they feel any discontentment.

*eye-rolling*

This "expert" on people and family life is not a father. How appropriate. I can see why he *thinks* what he's saying is true, but I want everyone who does or will ever read this post to know that what he thinks he knows is absolutely not true. Not true for me anyway.

I do not have a family and stay home each day cleaning and cooking and washing and caring - just so that I will have some vague sense of accomplishment only when I look at the "big picture" of my life. I find joy and satisfaction in each and every single moment of my life.

There are the days, like last Sunday, where it either actually is or just feels hard. But even then, I am still very happy with my life. There are moments I feel like a failure. There are moments where I feel like I'm drowning in the work and the difficulty of being a mother. But even in those moments, I know that what I am doing is right. That what I am doing is worthwhile. That I wouldn't give it up for all the riches, all the "accomplishments", all the praises or titles or degrees -- in all the world.

And it's not just because when I look back on my life, I'll be able to feel good. It's because I am doing exactly what I was made to do. To teach these sweet little people, to love them regardless of difficulty, to learn for myself how to harness my own selfishness and forgive my own failures. 

I learn to make a home. A place of safety. A place where the Spirit of the Lord can dwell. A place of beauty and learning. A place where it's okay to fail and it's safe to try again. A place where my children can see the gospel of Jesus Christ in action. A place where they can learn truth. And kindness. And Charity. Where they can learn that the "Plan of Happiness" that the Lord has in place for us - is really the Plan of Families.

It is here, in this home, in this family, that I am refined into the person I most want to be. I learn discipline unlike anything I've ever learned before. I learn that true joy and happiness come from following the commandments of God. I learn how to teach and how to learn. I learn freedom. I learn love. I learn how to serve. I learn that imperfection is okay. How to strive for something better, but being happy with the efforts that I make daily. I learn that real change takes TIME. A LONG time. :) And that's okay.

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I am not a perfect mother. 

But I know that I am the perfect mother for my children. That, for whatever reason, these children were sent to me. For me to teach them a thing or two and for them to teach ME even more. 

There is nothing I would rather have than my sweet family.

There is nothing I'd rather do more than be their mother.

And his wife.