Sunday, December 14, 2014
Sick
Friday, December 12, 2014
Friday's Fabulous Five
1. It's less than two weeks from Christmas and I've already finished ONE (x five) project on my "make" list. I even wrapped it (them). Now, only 7,000 more to go. :) In seriousness, I am nearly finished with five pj shirts and I'm feeling pretty awesome.
2. I started a Book Club in my ward a few months ago. I'm so pleased with myself for pushing outside my comfort zone that I can hardly contain myself. This month we are reading "Little Women" - one of my all time favorites books. I was getting worried that it wouldn't get read, as I spend all my free evenings in front of the sewing machine, when I remembered that on one of the homeschool forums I read someone mentioned a site called Librivox, where there are free public domain audiobooks. Tonight I spent a decent chunk of time pinning, serging, and crying. What's not to love about a book that makes you cry with humility, sadness, joy, humor, and understanding?
3. Homeschool is going well and I'm so impressed with my own little women's progress. I struggle daily with mastering our rhythm and routine, but I expected that and life is a work in progress. My girls are starting to understand better the work of keeping our home running and help with their share with little complaining. The big girls are more than 70 lessons into their math book and Elsie can now read almost anything with a. Bit of work. I'll have to write more about it later, but despite being ready to lock myself in my room some days, it's going well and the girls enjoy it.
(the best helicopters and airplanes I've ever seen)
4. Lilie's arm and nerves are healing! Slowly, but it's happening. She's just started physical therapy and nearly cried when the PT massaged her elbow on Tuesday, however, he looks like Ben Affleck and I think she'd do just about anything he asked her to do. :)
5. We bought a fake, prelit tree. The Saturday after Thanksgiving, I spent the morning shut up in my bedroom weeping huge tears of failure and resignation. I was raging mad at Nels for bringing up the dry reminder of Christmas trees past and wept bitterly. An hour later, I emerged red-nosed and declared that I could not live another year of coniferous demise and bit the (truly) evergreen bullet. I love it and haven't been sad about it even once since.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Goodbye, Baby
Well. I think we've made it.
We are past babyhood.
Potty training has been done for a while (we haven't bought diapers in probably two months, but I didn't want to jinx myself) and Clara can say her own name.
Goodbye, Cwawa.
I'm going to miss you more than you know.
(cue the tears)
How can you be so ready for something to end and yet want to go backward and start all over again at the same time? I honestly don't know that I'll ever feel like I don't want to have a little baby in my life. Especially MY little baby.
This is a hard time period for me. And I think it's going to last for . . . ever.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Dislocation
Last Monday, as my visiting teachers were over at our house, Lilie ran inside wailing,
"I BROKE MY BONES!!! I BROKE MY BONES!!! AHHHHH! HELP ME!!!"
As I looked at her arm, I could tell that something was definitely "off" and gingerly felt it, only to conclude that the entire bone felt out of place and she'd "just" dislocated her elbow. (You see, we've had prior experience with both broken arms AND dislocation, so I'm an expert now.)
If you like Lilie's "Bee Movie" from many years past, you should have been with us that afternoon. I sort of hate myself for the difficulty of keeping a straight face when my girl is in pain, but my goodness . . . she is something to behold.
"OH, WHY DID I DO THAT? I'M SO SAD I DID THIS! AAHHHHHHH! IT HURTS TO BAAD!!!"
Apparently, the girls had been playing on the swing set and trampoline and our resident dare-devil had made the carefully calculated decision that she could jump from the top of the slide to the trampoline . . . but had slipped before she even took flight. It's only about a four foot drop to the ground, but she landed right on her arm.
My visiting teachers were awesome and took the mayhem in stride (also having trouble keeping straight faces). We'd finished school and since we didn't have anywhere to go for the rest of the day, I was still in my fleecy "aztec-looking" leggings and an oversized hoodie. (Hot.) They told me that they could watch my kids while I took Lilie over to the Ready-Care. With that (miraculously) in hand, I told Lilie we would go straight there, I just needed to change into some "real pants". She yelled, "YOU DON'T NEED REAL PANTS!!!"
Hazel was very concerned about her sister, but the other girls are quite used to hysterics, so while I was quickly changing, they started playing and giggling. Lilie then yelled at them, "Oh! HOW CAN YOU BE HAPPY AT A TIME LIKE THIS??!"
Both properly dressed, Lilie and I made a speedy exit.
When Lilie was tiny, while playing with her daddy, she'd gotten "nursemaid's elbow" -- which is a very minor dislocation that can easily happen in toddlers. The remedy is fast and gives immediate relief. I was imagining this dislocation to be about like that.
We arrived at the Ready Care with Lilie practically screaming, where they deliberated for 25 minutes on whether or not they could "squeeze her in." About 5 minutes after we finally got into a room, a nurse decided we should just go down to the ER. (eye rolling)
All this time, I keep thinking, "How big a deal can it be? Pop that thing back in place and put the poor kid out of her misery! The ER? That seems excessive..." Yes. I'm critical when I'm trying to not be worried.
Turns out REAL elbow dislocations ARE a big deal. Once we got into a room, they had to do an x-ray before all else. Had she broken anything, they would have just taken her into surgery. But, OH, the pain of positioning for those x-rays! She let everyone on that floor know that she was NOT HAPPY about moving her arm!
Poor girl. She was a wreck. She just kept saying, "Why is this happening to me? Why did I do this? AHHHHH! I can't do this anymore!!! My poor little arm!!!" She was given an IV (which she barely noticed) and administered morphine, which barely took the edge off the pain. They dimmed the lights and she started into a meditative "Oooooommmmm . . .."
With the IV and x-rays done, they were finally ready to put the bones back in place. Even with the morphine, she was going to be in a lot of pain, so they gave her a heavy dose of ketamine to drug her up and make her forget what happened next.
I was amazed at how hard they had to pull to get that humerus back in joint and SO thankful for modern medicine. After another x-ray they were able to splint and wrap.
All told, Lilie's elbow was out of place for close to 3 hours. She is one tough cookie -- even when she didn't think she could take anymore. It took her more than an hour to come around - with great hilarity in the process. Before she was verbal, she made some awesome faces.
And once she could talk . . . SO funny.
Lilie? Lilie. Do you know where we are?
"Uuuhhhhhhhhhhh. Yeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh . . . H, H, Hooooooooooo. Dooooooooooocc."
Yeah. We're at the hospital. The doctor fixed your arm.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrmmmmm. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrmmmmm. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmm . . . . "
Does it feel like your head is full of fluff?
"YeeaaaaAAAAAAAaaaaahhhhhh!"
All while her poor little pin-point eyes couldn't focus on anything!
"Moooooomm! You have twooo eyes!"
Lilie, I always have two eyes. :)
"Ooooh! Yooou have FOOUR eyes!"
Then she started throwing up. Over and over. Darn morphine.
She was instructed to keep the splint on and report to the orthopedic surgeon in a week.
She's done well. The first five days, we were grateful for the hyrdocodone, but she's finally doing well with just some ibuprofen. Her elbow is still REALLY swollen and bruised and I've been extremely concerned that she still has very little feeling in three of her fingers. She can't bend her pointer finger or thumb at all.
At the ortho today we got a good understanding of why my concern is currently unfounded.
Yikes!! Dr. Pennington said that to even dislocate your elbow, it has to tear the ligaments. With as badly as Lilie dislocated hers, all those tough little ligaments got shredded. She'll remain in this splint for at least another two weeks and then we'll reevaluate. Hopefully as the swelling goes down she'll regain feeling and mobility in her fingers. Until everything heals up, the risk of re-dislocation is high, so we'll only be doing some small bending exercises. Mostly just waiting.
Hooray for some fun bathing days in the weeks ahead and a creative Halloween costume! :)
"I BROKE MY BONES!!! I BROKE MY BONES!!! AHHHHH! HELP ME!!!"
As I looked at her arm, I could tell that something was definitely "off" and gingerly felt it, only to conclude that the entire bone felt out of place and she'd "just" dislocated her elbow. (You see, we've had prior experience with both broken arms AND dislocation, so I'm an expert now.)
If you like Lilie's "Bee Movie" from many years past, you should have been with us that afternoon. I sort of hate myself for the difficulty of keeping a straight face when my girl is in pain, but my goodness . . . she is something to behold.
"OH, WHY DID I DO THAT? I'M SO SAD I DID THIS! AAHHHHHHH! IT HURTS TO BAAD!!!"
Apparently, the girls had been playing on the swing set and trampoline and our resident dare-devil had made the carefully calculated decision that she could jump from the top of the slide to the trampoline . . . but had slipped before she even took flight. It's only about a four foot drop to the ground, but she landed right on her arm.
My visiting teachers were awesome and took the mayhem in stride (also having trouble keeping straight faces). We'd finished school and since we didn't have anywhere to go for the rest of the day, I was still in my fleecy "aztec-looking" leggings and an oversized hoodie. (Hot.) They told me that they could watch my kids while I took Lilie over to the Ready-Care. With that (miraculously) in hand, I told Lilie we would go straight there, I just needed to change into some "real pants". She yelled, "YOU DON'T NEED REAL PANTS!!!"
Hazel was very concerned about her sister, but the other girls are quite used to hysterics, so while I was quickly changing, they started playing and giggling. Lilie then yelled at them, "Oh! HOW CAN YOU BE HAPPY AT A TIME LIKE THIS??!"
Both properly dressed, Lilie and I made a speedy exit.
When Lilie was tiny, while playing with her daddy, she'd gotten "nursemaid's elbow" -- which is a very minor dislocation that can easily happen in toddlers. The remedy is fast and gives immediate relief. I was imagining this dislocation to be about like that.
We arrived at the Ready Care with Lilie practically screaming, where they deliberated for 25 minutes on whether or not they could "squeeze her in." About 5 minutes after we finally got into a room, a nurse decided we should just go down to the ER. (eye rolling)
All this time, I keep thinking, "How big a deal can it be? Pop that thing back in place and put the poor kid out of her misery! The ER? That seems excessive..." Yes. I'm critical when I'm trying to not be worried.
Turns out REAL elbow dislocations ARE a big deal. Once we got into a room, they had to do an x-ray before all else. Had she broken anything, they would have just taken her into surgery. But, OH, the pain of positioning for those x-rays! She let everyone on that floor know that she was NOT HAPPY about moving her arm!
Poor girl. She was a wreck. She just kept saying, "Why is this happening to me? Why did I do this? AHHHHH! I can't do this anymore!!! My poor little arm!!!" She was given an IV (which she barely noticed) and administered morphine, which barely took the edge off the pain. They dimmed the lights and she started into a meditative "Oooooommmmm . . .."
With the IV and x-rays done, they were finally ready to put the bones back in place. Even with the morphine, she was going to be in a lot of pain, so they gave her a heavy dose of ketamine to drug her up and make her forget what happened next.
I was amazed at how hard they had to pull to get that humerus back in joint and SO thankful for modern medicine. After another x-ray they were able to splint and wrap.
 |
| This is my favorite picture of the night. She was SO out of it! Her eyes were open, but no one was home. :) |
All told, Lilie's elbow was out of place for close to 3 hours. She is one tough cookie -- even when she didn't think she could take anymore. It took her more than an hour to come around - with great hilarity in the process. Before she was verbal, she made some awesome faces.
And once she could talk . . . SO funny.
Lilie? Lilie. Do you know where we are?
"Uuuhhhhhhhhhhh. Yeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh . . . H, H, Hooooooooooo. Dooooooooooocc."
Yeah. We're at the hospital. The doctor fixed your arm.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrmmmmm. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrmmmmm. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmm . . . . "
Does it feel like your head is full of fluff?
"YeeaaaaAAAAAAAaaaaahhhhhh!"
All while her poor little pin-point eyes couldn't focus on anything!
"Moooooomm! You have twooo eyes!"
Lilie, I always have two eyes. :)
"Ooooh! Yooou have FOOUR eyes!"
Then she started throwing up. Over and over. Darn morphine.
She was instructed to keep the splint on and report to the orthopedic surgeon in a week.
She's done well. The first five days, we were grateful for the hyrdocodone, but she's finally doing well with just some ibuprofen. Her elbow is still REALLY swollen and bruised and I've been extremely concerned that she still has very little feeling in three of her fingers. She can't bend her pointer finger or thumb at all.
At the ortho today we got a good understanding of why my concern is currently unfounded.
^^above^^ This is what her bones are supposed to look like (taken today).
^^ The above are the x-rays taken last Monday at the ER. ^^
Yikes!! Dr. Pennington said that to even dislocate your elbow, it has to tear the ligaments. With as badly as Lilie dislocated hers, all those tough little ligaments got shredded. She'll remain in this splint for at least another two weeks and then we'll reevaluate. Hopefully as the swelling goes down she'll regain feeling and mobility in her fingers. Until everything heals up, the risk of re-dislocation is high, so we'll only be doing some small bending exercises. Mostly just waiting.
 |
| Lilie with her customized sling at the ortho today. The size "small" sling we got from the hospital was too small (the medium was too big) and the angle was all wrong with the splint, so I made her a new one. Of course her consolation monkey from the hospital had to have one too. :) |
Hooray for some fun bathing days in the weeks ahead and a creative Halloween costume! :)
Monday, September 22, 2014
School is in Session
So. We started school.
Yikes! I was terrified.
But do you know? Do you know that God is good? So good?
Last time I wrote I was in Utah. It was a lively ten days. Exhausting, but I felt so glad that I could help and spend time with my family in the process. I fell even more in love with my nieces and nephews and got to spend a lot of quality time with my amazing Genny. (I love her!)
Late in the week, because I'm a sucker for both wild spontaneity and the mountains of my childhood, I decided that I'd join Genny and (her) Ben on an overnight trip up to the cabin . . . towing along my TEN charges. We were all wearing a little thinner by Friday and a few mountains to roam and explore were just what we needed.
We pulled up to the cabin late and after tucking the giggling mass of bodies into beds, I headed out into the night air. Wrapped in a blanket, I sank onto the warm deck and soaked up the stillness and the full moon as it rose over familiar mountains. How many times in my life have I sat on that deck and studied the heavens?
So familiar.
I talked to my Heavenly Father. I let him know how overwhelmed I felt and how afraid I was. I've never homeschooled before, was I being naive? Would my kids fall behind? Would I be able to keep a schedule? Would I have enough to give? Would we be able to find friends? Would I have the time to talk to Amber or read a book or make my bed?!
I told him that I wasn't sure I would be enough.
And He told me that He is. I'm not, but HE IS. More than enough.
I wept and just soaked it in. He loves my children. He loves me.
I can't tell you how many times in the last three weeks since we started school that I have wanted to just fall on my knees in gratitude for what He is giving me -- and them. It hasn't all been sunshine and roses, but somehow even the challenges are exactly what we need. They are some of the biggest reasons that I'm choosing this route.
It has become very clear to me that this path is not just for my children. It's for me.
How generous He is to allow me to learn with so much grace.
Often times, the immediate feedback from Facebook trumps my posting here, but I want to share this
post from my FB this week:
"I'm happy. --- I should maybe just leave it at that, but true to form, I'll elaborate.
"I've been taking my two oldest girls running with me in the morning (doing a couch-to-5k program so that we could ease in slowly and I didn't burn them up with my longer legs). The first day (maybe 2) I desperately wanted give up. Dragging 2 whiney girls along for 2+ miles isn't exactly the most awesome way to kick off a morning of homeschool . . .
"However! since then, it's been so, so good. They are rockstars and we've been able to discuss so many life and immediately applicable lessons. Lessons about how we get a chance to shape the people that we want to be and how attitude makes ALL the difference. I am a lucky mom. Homeschooling has been really hard some days, but I'm also really thankful that it's been giving me a chance to work on some of these things with my kids. Being a parent is awesome."
Yikes! I was terrified.
But do you know? Do you know that God is good? So good?
Last time I wrote I was in Utah. It was a lively ten days. Exhausting, but I felt so glad that I could help and spend time with my family in the process. I fell even more in love with my nieces and nephews and got to spend a lot of quality time with my amazing Genny. (I love her!)
 |
| picnic with 12 little munchkins and my Genny |
Late in the week, because I'm a sucker for both wild spontaneity and the mountains of my childhood, I decided that I'd join Genny and (her) Ben on an overnight trip up to the cabin . . . towing along my TEN charges. We were all wearing a little thinner by Friday and a few mountains to roam and explore were just what we needed.
 |
| Moon Cabin + delphiniums |
We pulled up to the cabin late and after tucking the giggling mass of bodies into beds, I headed out into the night air. Wrapped in a blanket, I sank onto the warm deck and soaked up the stillness and the full moon as it rose over familiar mountains. How many times in my life have I sat on that deck and studied the heavens?
So familiar.
I talked to my Heavenly Father. I let him know how overwhelmed I felt and how afraid I was. I've never homeschooled before, was I being naive? Would my kids fall behind? Would I be able to keep a schedule? Would I have enough to give? Would we be able to find friends? Would I have the time to talk to Amber or read a book or make my bed?!
I told him that I wasn't sure I would be enough.
And He told me that He is. I'm not, but HE IS. More than enough.
I wept and just soaked it in. He loves my children. He loves me.
I can't tell you how many times in the last three weeks since we started school that I have wanted to just fall on my knees in gratitude for what He is giving me -- and them. It hasn't all been sunshine and roses, but somehow even the challenges are exactly what we need. They are some of the biggest reasons that I'm choosing this route.
It has become very clear to me that this path is not just for my children. It's for me.
How generous He is to allow me to learn with so much grace.
Often times, the immediate feedback from Facebook trumps my posting here, but I want to share this
post from my FB this week:
"I'm happy. --- I should maybe just leave it at that, but true to form, I'll elaborate.
"I've been taking my two oldest girls running with me in the morning (doing a couch-to-5k program so that we could ease in slowly and I didn't burn them up with my longer legs). The first day (maybe 2) I desperately wanted give up. Dragging 2 whiney girls along for 2+ miles isn't exactly the most awesome way to kick off a morning of homeschool . . .
"However! since then, it's been so, so good. They are rockstars and we've been able to discuss so many life and immediately applicable lessons. Lessons about how we get a chance to shape the people that we want to be and how attitude makes ALL the difference. I am a lucky mom. Homeschooling has been really hard some days, but I'm also really thankful that it's been giving me a chance to work on some of these things with my kids. Being a parent is awesome."
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Readying
The fields around our home are all golden now. They've been just sitting, drying in the warm sunshine. Readying for the harvest.
I don't want to miss the harvest.
Tonight I am in Utah, watching Ben's kids, minus 1, plus my own five, for the week while my three older siblings + spouses + my parents are in Costa Rica.
I was supposed to be with them. We planned it a year ago. A year is enough time to plan a trip, right?
We decided to not spend the money. We decided to save for a house. We decided to buy a Suburban. We decided to make five trips to Utah/Southern Idaho in the past five months.
Am I sad that I'm not in a tropical jungle right now? Nah.
Am I sad that I'm not with my family? Yeah.
Am I okay that I'm here? Yep.
But tonight? I'm tired. Not tired from feeding and putting to bed 10 kids - amazingly, that's not much harder than doing that with my five (as long as I have freezer meals. ha!). Not tired from the noise or the bath time (again, not significantly louder or harder. especially with double the space and an incredible Ali!).
It's just been a long month. A lot of decisions. A lot of travel. A lot of extroversion. A lot of worry. A lot of growth.
Right now? I really miss the masculine arms of my husband under my head and around my chest; his steadiness at my back.
I'm feeling the need to draw inward. I need to reconnect with "Home" when I get home. I think I need to sign out of Facebook, go to the library, buy the second book of Harry Potter (in hardback) for reading aloud, and
spread out a blanket in the warm grass.
In the sunshine.
Snooze some, pray more, read a bit from at least 3 different books, and figure out what School and Life is going to look like for us this year.
All while taking it really, really slowwwwwww.
I don't want to miss the harvest.
Tonight I am in Utah, watching Ben's kids, minus 1, plus my own five, for the week while my three older siblings + spouses + my parents are in Costa Rica.
I was supposed to be with them. We planned it a year ago. A year is enough time to plan a trip, right?
We decided to not spend the money. We decided to save for a house. We decided to buy a Suburban. We decided to make five trips to Utah/Southern Idaho in the past five months.
Am I sad that I'm not in a tropical jungle right now? Nah.
Am I sad that I'm not with my family? Yeah.
Am I okay that I'm here? Yep.
But tonight? I'm tired. Not tired from feeding and putting to bed 10 kids - amazingly, that's not much harder than doing that with my five (as long as I have freezer meals. ha!). Not tired from the noise or the bath time (again, not significantly louder or harder. especially with double the space and an incredible Ali!).
It's just been a long month. A lot of decisions. A lot of travel. A lot of extroversion. A lot of worry. A lot of growth.
Right now? I really miss the masculine arms of my husband under my head and around my chest; his steadiness at my back.
I'm feeling the need to draw inward. I need to reconnect with "Home" when I get home. I think I need to sign out of Facebook, go to the library, buy the second book of Harry Potter (in hardback) for reading aloud, and
spread out a blanket in the warm grass.
In the sunshine.
Snooze some, pray more, read a bit from at least 3 different books, and figure out what School and Life is going to look like for us this year.
All while taking it really, really slowwwwwww.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Kaleidoscope: Post. Script. Post
When I sat down to write about my decision to homeschool, I expected to write one lengthy post ----- which then turned into five shorter-ish posts.
As I said, I don't know what's right for you. I just know what feels right for us right now and I'm pretty excited about it. I mean, seriously, wouldn't you be excited?! :)
Oh, the curse of being wordy!
I thought I would share a couple of articles or posts that have helped me to finally solidify that this is the right path for our family. Read them if you'd like. I thought they were great. The first two have absolutely nothing to do with homeschooling, they just really made me think about my attitudes and the desires I have for our lifestyle.
Family Work: A long article, but made me really rethink our home.
"Ironically, it is the very things commonly disliked about family work that offer the greatest possibilities for nurturing close relationships and forging family ties. Some people dislike family work because, they say, it is mindless. Yet chores that can be done with a minimum of concentration leave our minds free to focus on one another as we work together. We can talk, sing, or tell stories as we work. Working side by side tends to dissolve feelings of hierarchy, making it easier for children to discuss topics of concern with their parents. Unlike play, which usually requires mental concentration as well as physical involvement, family work invites intimate conversation between parent and child."
My Home As a Temple: I love this article.
"I was startled to realize that she saw as "sacred" the very tasks that I always thought were obstacles to sacredness."
I Can't Homeschool Because . . . : A collection of posts written by various homeschoolers addressing some of the most commonly used reasons against homeschooling. Two of my favorites where "Because I'm an Introvert" and "I Wouldn't Have Time For Anything Else".
Why Homeschool: The Gift of Time: "Even if we’re doing housework, we talk. Big, hard, thick questions about life, the world, Jesus. We get into the deep stuff over oatmeal. If the math makes the brain hurt, we go jump on the trampoline and eat a popsicle – that usually fixes most dilemmas. When tempers flair as brother upsets sister {or most likely sister upsets brother}, we talk it out and pray big prayers."
As I said, I don't know what's right for you. I just know what feels right for us right now and I'm pretty excited about it. I mean, seriously, wouldn't you be excited?! :)
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Kaleidoscope: Part Five
I've been writing about this scary exciting insane new journey that I'm on right now. I'm incredibly long-winded, so I'm breaking it into parts. Someday when my kids are in the throws of Weirdness and I'm in the throws of Give Up, I want to remember why we started this adventure.
As the viewer looks into one end, light entering the other creates a colorful pattern...
"kaleidoscope" is derived from the Ancient Greek καλός, "beautiful, beauty", εἶδος, "that which is seen: form, shape" and σκοπÎω, "to look to, to examine"
you see many different patterns when you turn the tube while looking in
"The world is your kaleidoscope, and the varying combinations of colors which it presents to you
at every succeeding moment are the exquisitely adjusted images of your ever moving thoughts."
So here we are.
Last year when the Lord told me, quietly, but firmly, that I should start thinking about homeschool, I was sick to my stomach. But over the past few years, I've really started to better recognize the gentle way that the Lord communicates with me. I've started to trust more. And so I did. I started to think about it. I even went so far as to make a tentative, "I think we might homeschool next year." (But I had to say it fast - without connecting my mouth to my logic-brain - so I wouldn't chicken out.
And then we moved. (isn't that sentence like the theme of our lives these past 3 years?! haha. except it's sort of not funny.)
When I was first looking at rentals here in Pullman, I looked at everything available through the eyes of "is there room to homeschool in that space?" Then the realities of finding a rental in a college town in the middle of the winter set in and I just pushed the thought off altogether. There was absolutely NO WAY I was going to be able to homeschool in a 1300 sqft. apartment with a small kitchen and only one small living area.
Truthfully, my logic-brain felt so relieved! Hooray! I can delay another year! But my heart felt kind of heavy.
We trudged our way through the rest of the school year. I was so frustrated. I felt so much like there was more that I wanted in our lives than living around the school schedule and homework requirements. Every day it seemed our entire lives were consumed with school from the time we woke up (hurry, hurry, hurry!) to bedtime (are you seriously still working on that? c'mon! hurry! we need to get to bed!) - with little bits of real life squeezed in between. (just leave it! we'll have to finish your packet after we get home from swim lessons. hurry!)
How do I read Harry Potter and "Where the Red Fern Grows" to my kids? How do they have time to just play? How do we take music lessons or do swim team? Those hours after they get home from school are so busy most days - messes to clean up, dinner to prepare, chores to attempt, appointments to keep. I started to feel like there weren't enough hours in the day to also teach them how to just LIVE. How to serve and work and cook and sew and vacuum and paint and just talk. All of those things had to be squeezed into the weekend, but by the time the weekend came, I was exhausted.
I want more. I'm selfish.
Then, early in the summer, I was talking to my friend Nicole about our situation. Nicole homeschools their daughter and does daycare for a couple other kids at the same time. I was telling her that I'd planned to homeschool, but then we were in this small space and so now it wasn't feasible. She said, "You know, we don't have a designated school space. We just do everything at the kitchen table and then I put things away in the cupboard. You don't have to have a big space. You could totally do it." The same day, my friend Jen, who just had their sixth baby, told me the same thing - that they homeschooled through dental school while they were living in a small space.
From then on, this impression that I should homeschool became the thought that would NOT go away.
To be clear (and I've had to be very clear with myself), if we left our kids in public school, I truly believe they would continue to do well. I am not saying that my kids are going to fail or that bad things will happen or that we can't make a good life even "running on the school's schedule".
What I do feel is that my perspective and priorities are shifting. I want something more. I feel like there is something different for our family. I feel that if we stayed on the path we're on right now, we would continue to do great, I just feel like maybe there is something better - and I'm willing to take that leap to find out.
We're GOING to homeschool.
There. I said it. It's out there. Phew! Sigh. Breathe. That it so . . . terrifying.
I've spent the last two weeks joining facebook groups for homeschoolers in the area, studying out and eventually buying textbooks, meeting other homeschool moms and talking to them about why and HOW. It's been awesome. As the possibilities unfold and I find curriculum that fits what I'm looking for - it's kind of exhilarating, actually. An awesome mom in the area invited me over to her beautiful home the other day and walked me through what their day looks like, what books she loves, what she's found that didn't work and what's worked great. She and I seem to be very similar and I will forever love her for doing that. It relieved so many of my anxieties.
All that said, I am still very nervous. I don't fall asleep easily and I wake up in the morning way before I should just thinking and thinking and thinking. It's so hard to shut it off, right now. My house is a mess and I have five loads of laundry that need folded because I've spent a large portion of the last week reading and reading and reading - lots of blogs and articles and resource websites. (Thank the Lord for the Internets)
I'm going to be teaching my kids from the same math books that I used growing up, I've found some really great history and science curriculum, I'm still trying to decide what kind of language arts resources I want to use . . . Holy moly. So many options!
But I feel like I can do it. I do. I even feel like once we get a good routine established, we can be done with school pretty much by lunchtime everyday. - That was the biggest selling-point for Lilie, "We could be done with school by lunchtime everyday?! YES! I want to do it! Please, please, please?" Hazel has been more of a hard-sell. "What about my friends? Wah!" My social lady. She NEEDS people. I've explained to her without having homework every night, we will actually have MORE time to invite friends over to play and that we will be able to be involved in sports and other activities where she can spend time with lots of other kids. Beyond that, I know that learning time with other children is extremely important for not only her, but all of us, so I'm getting involved in a co-op and another local group that gets together for field trips twice a month. And of course we'll make new friends along the way that are doing the same thing we're doing. She's starting to actually feel really excited now.
This year, I'm sending Elsie to 1st grade at the school and just keeping Hazel and Lilie home. They are so close intellectually that I'm pretty sure that I'll be able to teach them the same thing. It will take Lilie a few months to get caught up in math and grammar, but she moves so quick I don't think it will be a problem. Elsie is such people person that I think she'll really enjoy going to school this year (though admittedly she was a little bummed once she heard some of the things that we'll be doing), and then we will reevaluate next year. It will give me time to get my feet under me.
And as for the future? Who knows. Right now, we're just jumping. Both Washington and Idaho allow students to be double-enrolled. Meaning you can choose to homeschool and then also be enrolled at the public school to participate in anything from clubs to sports to band and choir to Chemistry or Anatomy - all sorts of options! And there are a lot of community colleges now that actually allow students to enroll in lower-level classes like Algebra and Chemistry while getting both high school and college credit! So awesome.
So there you have it.
We're going to homeschool.
I'm not at all sure of what the future holds, but I feel like the Lord has been guiding me to this place. I know that this path is my choice and it's one that I want to take. I LOVE all the different things there are to learn in this world and I'm so excited to explore them together with my girls. I know it's going to be hard and there are going to be times when I'm ready to give up, but I'm excited for the growth, for the adventure.
Last year when the Lord told me, quietly, but firmly, that I should start thinking about homeschool, I was sick to my stomach. But over the past few years, I've really started to better recognize the gentle way that the Lord communicates with me. I've started to trust more. And so I did. I started to think about it. I even went so far as to make a tentative, "I think we might homeschool next year." (But I had to say it fast - without connecting my mouth to my logic-brain - so I wouldn't chicken out.
And then we moved. (isn't that sentence like the theme of our lives these past 3 years?! haha. except it's sort of not funny.)
When I was first looking at rentals here in Pullman, I looked at everything available through the eyes of "is there room to homeschool in that space?" Then the realities of finding a rental in a college town in the middle of the winter set in and I just pushed the thought off altogether. There was absolutely NO WAY I was going to be able to homeschool in a 1300 sqft. apartment with a small kitchen and only one small living area.
Truthfully, my logic-brain felt so relieved! Hooray! I can delay another year! But my heart felt kind of heavy.
We trudged our way through the rest of the school year. I was so frustrated. I felt so much like there was more that I wanted in our lives than living around the school schedule and homework requirements. Every day it seemed our entire lives were consumed with school from the time we woke up (hurry, hurry, hurry!) to bedtime (are you seriously still working on that? c'mon! hurry! we need to get to bed!) - with little bits of real life squeezed in between. (just leave it! we'll have to finish your packet after we get home from swim lessons. hurry!)
How do I read Harry Potter and "Where the Red Fern Grows" to my kids? How do they have time to just play? How do we take music lessons or do swim team? Those hours after they get home from school are so busy most days - messes to clean up, dinner to prepare, chores to attempt, appointments to keep. I started to feel like there weren't enough hours in the day to also teach them how to just LIVE. How to serve and work and cook and sew and vacuum and paint and just talk. All of those things had to be squeezed into the weekend, but by the time the weekend came, I was exhausted.
I want more. I'm selfish.
Then, early in the summer, I was talking to my friend Nicole about our situation. Nicole homeschools their daughter and does daycare for a couple other kids at the same time. I was telling her that I'd planned to homeschool, but then we were in this small space and so now it wasn't feasible. She said, "You know, we don't have a designated school space. We just do everything at the kitchen table and then I put things away in the cupboard. You don't have to have a big space. You could totally do it." The same day, my friend Jen, who just had their sixth baby, told me the same thing - that they homeschooled through dental school while they were living in a small space.
From then on, this impression that I should homeschool became the thought that would NOT go away.
To be clear (and I've had to be very clear with myself), if we left our kids in public school, I truly believe they would continue to do well. I am not saying that my kids are going to fail or that bad things will happen or that we can't make a good life even "running on the school's schedule".
What I do feel is that my perspective and priorities are shifting. I want something more. I feel like there is something different for our family. I feel that if we stayed on the path we're on right now, we would continue to do great, I just feel like maybe there is something better - and I'm willing to take that leap to find out.
We're GOING to homeschool.
There. I said it. It's out there. Phew! Sigh. Breathe. That it so . . . terrifying.
I've spent the last two weeks joining facebook groups for homeschoolers in the area, studying out and eventually buying textbooks, meeting other homeschool moms and talking to them about why and HOW. It's been awesome. As the possibilities unfold and I find curriculum that fits what I'm looking for - it's kind of exhilarating, actually. An awesome mom in the area invited me over to her beautiful home the other day and walked me through what their day looks like, what books she loves, what she's found that didn't work and what's worked great. She and I seem to be very similar and I will forever love her for doing that. It relieved so many of my anxieties.
All that said, I am still very nervous. I don't fall asleep easily and I wake up in the morning way before I should just thinking and thinking and thinking. It's so hard to shut it off, right now. My house is a mess and I have five loads of laundry that need folded because I've spent a large portion of the last week reading and reading and reading - lots of blogs and articles and resource websites. (Thank the Lord for the Internets)
I'm going to be teaching my kids from the same math books that I used growing up, I've found some really great history and science curriculum, I'm still trying to decide what kind of language arts resources I want to use . . . Holy moly. So many options!
But I feel like I can do it. I do. I even feel like once we get a good routine established, we can be done with school pretty much by lunchtime everyday. - That was the biggest selling-point for Lilie, "We could be done with school by lunchtime everyday?! YES! I want to do it! Please, please, please?" Hazel has been more of a hard-sell. "What about my friends? Wah!" My social lady. She NEEDS people. I've explained to her without having homework every night, we will actually have MORE time to invite friends over to play and that we will be able to be involved in sports and other activities where she can spend time with lots of other kids. Beyond that, I know that learning time with other children is extremely important for not only her, but all of us, so I'm getting involved in a co-op and another local group that gets together for field trips twice a month. And of course we'll make new friends along the way that are doing the same thing we're doing. She's starting to actually feel really excited now.
This year, I'm sending Elsie to 1st grade at the school and just keeping Hazel and Lilie home. They are so close intellectually that I'm pretty sure that I'll be able to teach them the same thing. It will take Lilie a few months to get caught up in math and grammar, but she moves so quick I don't think it will be a problem. Elsie is such people person that I think she'll really enjoy going to school this year (though admittedly she was a little bummed once she heard some of the things that we'll be doing), and then we will reevaluate next year. It will give me time to get my feet under me.
And as for the future? Who knows. Right now, we're just jumping. Both Washington and Idaho allow students to be double-enrolled. Meaning you can choose to homeschool and then also be enrolled at the public school to participate in anything from clubs to sports to band and choir to Chemistry or Anatomy - all sorts of options! And there are a lot of community colleges now that actually allow students to enroll in lower-level classes like Algebra and Chemistry while getting both high school and college credit! So awesome.
So there you have it.
We're going to homeschool.
I'm not at all sure of what the future holds, but I feel like the Lord has been guiding me to this place. I know that this path is my choice and it's one that I want to take. I LOVE all the different things there are to learn in this world and I'm so excited to explore them together with my girls. I know it's going to be hard and there are going to be times when I'm ready to give up, but I'm excited for the growth, for the adventure.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Kaleidoscope: Part IV
I've been writing about this scary exciting insane new journey that I'm on right now. I'm incredibly long-winded, so I'm breaking it into parts. Someday when my kids are in the throws of Weirdness and I'm in the throws of Give Up, I want to remember why we started this adventure. This is Part 4.
In Part 3, I covered what's been going on with Hazel the last few years in school. Lilie, is a different story.
Hazel has so much going on in her busy brain that it's hard for her to nail down one thing to focus on, Lilie has hyper-focus. Hazel is the child of never-ending curiosity and questions, Lilie is the intuitive observer. I never taught Lilie to read, she just listened to all of Hazel's questions (so many questions!) :) and just figured it out for herself.
We skipped preschool with Lilie. She doesn't crave the same kind of social time that Hazel does and I was afraid she'd be bored with Kindergarten if I did. Turns out, maybe we should have skipped Kindergarten, too. :) Two months in, Lilie came home and told me she didn't want to go to school anymore. I was surprised. "Why?? You love learning. Why don't you want to go to school?" Her answer: "Well, I already know all of that stuff so I'd rather stay home and play with you and Elsie. Then I could do whatever I want."
Huh. I still sent her to school, but let her teacher know that she was bored. She told me that she'd do her best, but she still had a lot of kids that didn't know their ABC's or numbers and Lilie was already reading and counting to 1,000. (that was my favorite Parent Teacher Conference, when her teacher told me that while doing evaluations she'd had to stop Lilie at 200 because she was just going to keep on going. haha!)
First grade, Lilie had an incredibly energetic and artistic teacher. They adored one another. Even then, her teacher basically told me the same thing. She's bored. She catches on super fast, so she was trying to keep her busy with creativity while the rest of the class caught up.
Second grade, halfway through the year her teacher tells me that he'd actually been really frustrated with Lilie for not paying attention until just recently when he figured out what was going on. He had thought that she wasn't listening, but really, she was just bored. As he'd explain a concept, she understood it the very first time and then checked out while he re-explained it for the next 20 minutes.
By third grade (last year), Lilie finally figured out how to not frustrate or offend her teachers, so instead of obviously tuning out, she draws. Every. Single. Paper. Lilie brought home last year - the front would have quickly scribbled (and perfectly correct) answers and the back would have large, elaborate sketches, drawings, MURALS. Her teacher put such a positive spin on it with, "I think that's just her way of processing new information. As she's drawing, she's listening and learning."
While I agree . . . clearly, she's got a LOT of extra time on her hands. And the conversation at home stays much the same, "What did you learn today?" Lilie: "I don't know."
Kaleidoscope: Part C
My Hazel has always done well in school. She is incredibly curious, social, and loves to make her teachers and others happy. She loves learning.
In third grade, however, Hazel started to have some difficulty with staying focused in class. Not like, she needs medication or anything, but she's just a distractible child. Hazel lives . . . outside of herself. She's very extroverted and loves feeling and hearing and seeing and just experiencing everything. If she's supposed to be concentrating, someone talking or wiggling or drawing next to her is sort of like . . . "squirrel!" :) This has always been the case, but in 3rd grade it became more apparent. I think, for the first time, she was actually being challenged with information she didn't already know. Her teacher discussed it with us and came up with some pretty good solutions to help her focus better. As time went on it didn't eliminate the challenge, but helped a lot and she made good progress.
As Hazel's parents, we already knew that learning how to focus and stay on task are things that she will be working on for a long time. A challenge as she learns to harness her vast mental and physical energy. We all have different traits that we have to learn how to use properly. She's not going to learn this skill in a couple of months or even a year. It takes time and it's just part of having a human body. I love my Hazel's ability to live completely in a moment - in a feeling, an experience. It's beautiful and unique.
This last school year started off really well. Hazel loved her new 4th grade teacher. His teaching style and organization fit Hazel really well. He was happy, she was happy, I was happy.
At this same time, I got one of those rare, very clear impressions from the Lord. It was time to re-label my homeschooling file folder.
I didn't feel like I needed to do it right then, but I just really felt like I needed to start thinking about it. Uh . . . what?! Okay . . . that's scary.
Then we moved.
I really liked the new school and the girls did great at making new friends, the staff was wonderful, but it was still a big adjustment. We went from having a minimal homework load in Sandpoint with an emphasis on at-home reading, to 8 page homework packets that needed to be completed each week. From reading 4 or more books a month (for fun) to barely reading a short one (for a book report). Also, Hazel and her new teacher seemed to have a difficult time understanding one another. I got good reports from Hazel about how things were going, but then at her first PTC, I felt like all her teacher could see was where she was struggling. Not one positive that didn't end with, "but . . ." She also complained about Hazel not paying attention enough in class. Nothing new there - but when I asked what she would suggest we do, I got, "Well, she just needs to focus more." Great idea! Hazel was doing awesome, she was making progress in math, learning new concepts, loves writing and is very descriptive and engaging, but all I heard from her teacher is that she needed to do better.
As the months passed, my happy and curious girl started saying things like, "I'm just not good at this." "I don't want to go to school." "I'm not good at math." She was often in tears at the end of the day as she plodded her way through, not only the large homework packet, but as many as 4 pages of worksheets that didn't get completed in class that day.
All of a sudden Hazel's evenings were stressful and barely had time for anything but homework.
I finally emailed her teacherbegging for mercy to explain the situation and ask for some help. I asked if it might be possible to eliminate some of the busy-work in the homework packets and wondered what on earth is going on in class that Hazel's not completing her work? Her response:
"I’ll admit, I’ve have been a little frustrated with Hazel. She seems to work at her own pace, slow and steady (but consistent and thorough which I like), so utilizing any and all class work time is crucial. I’m sorry for the frustration you’ve been feeling with the homework. If Hazel can do a better job staying focused, using class time productively, and taking responsibility for her actions, she’s going to be fine. She seems to understand the consequences for not completing work, and doesn’t like it. So I told her that that is up to her, she holds her own fate and responsibility to continue to make good choices every day."
In third grade, however, Hazel started to have some difficulty with staying focused in class. Not like, she needs medication or anything, but she's just a distractible child. Hazel lives . . . outside of herself. She's very extroverted and loves feeling and hearing and seeing and just experiencing everything. If she's supposed to be concentrating, someone talking or wiggling or drawing next to her is sort of like . . . "squirrel!" :) This has always been the case, but in 3rd grade it became more apparent. I think, for the first time, she was actually being challenged with information she didn't already know. Her teacher discussed it with us and came up with some pretty good solutions to help her focus better. As time went on it didn't eliminate the challenge, but helped a lot and she made good progress.
As Hazel's parents, we already knew that learning how to focus and stay on task are things that she will be working on for a long time. A challenge as she learns to harness her vast mental and physical energy. We all have different traits that we have to learn how to use properly. She's not going to learn this skill in a couple of months or even a year. It takes time and it's just part of having a human body. I love my Hazel's ability to live completely in a moment - in a feeling, an experience. It's beautiful and unique.
This last school year started off really well. Hazel loved her new 4th grade teacher. His teaching style and organization fit Hazel really well. He was happy, she was happy, I was happy.
At this same time, I got one of those rare, very clear impressions from the Lord. It was time to re-label my homeschooling file folder.
{Interesting Idea: WILL Do WHEN Inspired (Start Thinking About It)}
I didn't feel like I needed to do it right then, but I just really felt like I needed to start thinking about it. Uh . . . what?! Okay . . . that's scary.
Then we moved.
I really liked the new school and the girls did great at making new friends, the staff was wonderful, but it was still a big adjustment. We went from having a minimal homework load in Sandpoint with an emphasis on at-home reading, to 8 page homework packets that needed to be completed each week. From reading 4 or more books a month (for fun) to barely reading a short one (for a book report). Also, Hazel and her new teacher seemed to have a difficult time understanding one another. I got good reports from Hazel about how things were going, but then at her first PTC, I felt like all her teacher could see was where she was struggling. Not one positive that didn't end with, "but . . ." She also complained about Hazel not paying attention enough in class. Nothing new there - but when I asked what she would suggest we do, I got, "Well, she just needs to focus more." Great idea! Hazel was doing awesome, she was making progress in math, learning new concepts, loves writing and is very descriptive and engaging, but all I heard from her teacher is that she needed to do better.
As the months passed, my happy and curious girl started saying things like, "I'm just not good at this." "I don't want to go to school." "I'm not good at math." She was often in tears at the end of the day as she plodded her way through, not only the large homework packet, but as many as 4 pages of worksheets that didn't get completed in class that day.
All of a sudden Hazel's evenings were stressful and barely had time for anything but homework.
I finally emailed her teacher
"I’ll admit, I’ve have been a little frustrated with Hazel. She seems to work at her own pace, slow and steady (but consistent and thorough which I like), so utilizing any and all class work time is crucial. I’m sorry for the frustration you’ve been feeling with the homework. If Hazel can do a better job staying focused, using class time productively, and taking responsibility for her actions, she’s going to be fine. She seems to understand the consequences for not completing work, and doesn’t like it. So I told her that that is up to her, she holds her own fate and responsibility to continue to make good choices every day."
{sigh} I'm a big supporter of "natural consequences" but from my perspective a good teacher should be working on ways to help her students, not just punish them for the things that they struggle with or shame them in class because they "work at their own pace." I emailed her teacher back asking if she had any solutions and got no reply.
To her defense, this teacher is young with only one very small child. I don't think she has any concept of what it's like to have a busy family life or how stupid it is to just expect that a 10-year-old will magically "do better" and "utilize any and all class time" all on their own by embarrassing them in front of their peers and creating a classroom that is noisy and disorganized.
All in all, we made it through the rest of the year, but neither Hazel nor I have ever been quite so excited for summer break.
All in all, we made it through the rest of the year, but neither Hazel nor I have ever been quite so excited for summer break.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Kaleidoscope: Part 2
I've been exposed to the idea of homeschooling in a several of different ways over the past 11 years; I've had friends that were homeschooled as kids and quite a number of friends that choose to homeschool their children now.
In Idaho Falls there was a family that homeschooled their four kids and I can remember other ward members saying, "She's crazy. I could NEVER do that. I'd go crazy!" And then there's the {dreaded}, "Plus, she's depriving her kids of learning social skills." (That one's my personal favorite.)
By nature (and nurture) I don't really like the word "can't" and by experience I don't use the word "won't" lightly. :) As I talked to this mom about her experiences, although kind of "radical," in my mind I put homeschooling under the category:
Later, I found that a close friend of mine had homeschooled her kids off and on over the years. I can clearly remember asking her about the social aspect of not being part of the public school.
"But Clancy, homeschooled kids are weird."
Her response is one that has hugely affected my views.
(paraphrasing) Clancy: "You know, there's actually a pretty large community of people here in Southeast Idaho that homeschool and they get together for big conferences on a regular basis. Because homeschooling is always on my radar, even when I'm not doing it, I attend and so I've met a lot of people that homeschool. One thing that I've learned is that the kids are only as weird as their parents."
By nature (and nurture) I don't really like the word "can't" and by experience I don't use the word "won't" lightly. :) As I talked to this mom about her experiences, although kind of "radical," in my mind I put homeschooling under the category:
{Interesting Idea}
Later, I found that a close friend of mine had homeschooled her kids off and on over the years. I can clearly remember asking her about the social aspect of not being part of the public school.
"But Clancy, homeschooled kids are weird."
Her response is one that has hugely affected my views.
(paraphrasing) Clancy: "You know, there's actually a pretty large community of people here in Southeast Idaho that homeschool and they get together for big conferences on a regular basis. Because homeschooling is always on my radar, even when I'm not doing it, I attend and so I've met a lot of people that homeschool. One thing that I've learned is that the kids are only as weird as their parents."
After that conversation, I amended my mental homeschooling file folder to read:
{Interesting Idea: Would Do If Felt Inspired (Thankfully I Don't)}.
As we've moved around the Northwest, I've met more families that homeschool - all with wonderfully social, polite, engaging, smart, and happy children - all with just enough inherited weird to make them fun. :)
Kaleidoscope: Part Uno
When we were young, my mom kept a journal for each of her kids. Such a great idea. It has helped me to realize just how much like my mother I really am.
It contains a single entry. From when I was two years old. :)
(I love you, Mama!)
(I love you, Mama!)
If that journal - which she gifted to me when I was in college - weren't tucked in one of the many totes packed away on high shelves in our garage, I would pull it out and copy that one entry for you. Another day, perhaps. I can remember reading those 3 or 4 pages for the first time and being amazed at how much my two-year-old-self was so similar to my 19-year-old-self. In other ways, it helped me to know my adult-self much better as I looked at ME from the perspective of my mother in 1984.
One of the things that she wrote about was that I was persistent. Like most children (mine included), when my siblings were on the cusp of learning something new like crawling, walking, talking, etc. they would get very fussy and frustrated. She writes that I wasn't like that. I would just happily practice. Over and over and over and over. Until I got it. Then I would move on to the next thing.
I could never claim that I don't get frustrated. NEVER. But I will say that I've always had a love of learning. I find great joy in the process and practice of life - in general - and especially in the areas that I have power over.
Maybe that's what is driving me down this path? Maybe I just like trying new things?
Nah.
But it might be what's giving me the "cojones" to make the leap. :)
But it might be what's giving me the "cojones" to make the leap. :)
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Poised
Look at this little blog here. So neglected.
I wonder why sometimes.
I think my brain got jammed up with "heavy" the last few years and before I can open it back up, I'm going to have to unload some of my weightier thoughts in written form. These bigger, denser thoughts all kind of string together and don't allow me to package them into the neat little parcels that I've enjoyed. I have to find a new way of writing.
As I look at my fingers poised on the keyboard, I ache for the flow of years past. I think it's time to come back to myself. I've spent a lot of time in my head, I think it's time to reconnect with the joy of words.
My blog was never meant to be a scrapbook. I've documented our family life here and there is a big, guilty part of me that agonizes over all the moments lost in the abyss of time - that were never recorded. - However, this space has always been MINE. It's therapeutic. It's about documenting MY journey.
Maybe that's why I haven't been able to freely write about adventures and trips and moments these last few years --- because I still haven't written ME.
Time for a new chapter, perhaps.
I wonder why sometimes.
I think my brain got jammed up with "heavy" the last few years and before I can open it back up, I'm going to have to unload some of my weightier thoughts in written form. These bigger, denser thoughts all kind of string together and don't allow me to package them into the neat little parcels that I've enjoyed. I have to find a new way of writing.
As I look at my fingers poised on the keyboard, I ache for the flow of years past. I think it's time to come back to myself. I've spent a lot of time in my head, I think it's time to reconnect with the joy of words.
My blog was never meant to be a scrapbook. I've documented our family life here and there is a big, guilty part of me that agonizes over all the moments lost in the abyss of time - that were never recorded. - However, this space has always been MINE. It's therapeutic. It's about documenting MY journey.
Maybe that's why I haven't been able to freely write about adventures and trips and moments these last few years --- because I still haven't written ME.
Time for a new chapter, perhaps.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Daddy
I've probably heard it a hundred times - and I'm sure he's heard it even more.
"You have how many girls? Oh! Your poor husband!"
"I wouldn't know what to do with all those girls . . ."
"Please tell me that you at least have a male dog!"
These conversations always leave me incredulous. Are fathers with daughters given special instructions? or are they less manly? do they feel less involved and less like real fathers than dads of boys? is their life harder or sadder? Poor men . . .
As I was scrubbing plates and counters and folding towels the other day I was thinking about my handsome partner in parenting. I was thinking about my own daddy who raised four daughters (and two sons). I was thinking about Nels teaching his girls how use a spoon or tie their shoes or figuring out, together, how to fashion a ponytail. And I thought of my dad teaching me how to drive a manual car or (attempting) to teach me how to not backtalk. I thought of him teaching me how to serve.
And I realized: A father doesn't do what he knows. A father does what is needed.
Fatherhood doesn't come with an instruction manual. How to Train Your Daughter - it doesn't exist.
A father to five girls does it in the same way as a father of five boys. A fathers sees a need and does his best. A father acts.
A man isn't born knowing how to provide, preside, and protect a family. A man - a father - is made while doing so.
A father has the courage to do what he doesn't know how to do.
I am so thankful.
I'm thankful for my dad. I have watched his example my entire life. He seems to be a wealth of strength and knowledge. I have looked up to him my whole life and even at 32 years old, he continues to teach me and challenge me - always encouraging me to do things that I don't think I can do. He walks me through it, but let's me do it. He loves to see me succeed.
I am eternally thankful for Nels. I am continually amazed at his wisdom, his thoughtfulness, his creativity. I love his open mind and open heart. He teaches me how to love more fully, more freely. He has been at my side for more than 12 years now and there is not one day in all those years that I have tired of his company or wondered whether or not I made the right choice. He is the best choice I ever made. I think our daughters are the luckiest girls in entire world to have him as their protector and teacher.
And in all honesty, I don't feel bad for him one little bit - even though he doesn't have a male dog . . .
He's got it pretty damn good.
"You have how many girls? Oh! Your poor husband!"
"I wouldn't know what to do with all those girls . . ."
"Please tell me that you at least have a male dog!"
These conversations always leave me incredulous. Are fathers with daughters given special instructions? or are they less manly? do they feel less involved and less like real fathers than dads of boys? is their life harder or sadder? Poor men . . .
As I was scrubbing plates and counters and folding towels the other day I was thinking about my handsome partner in parenting. I was thinking about my own daddy who raised four daughters (and two sons). I was thinking about Nels teaching his girls how use a spoon or tie their shoes or figuring out, together, how to fashion a ponytail. And I thought of my dad teaching me how to drive a manual car or (attempting) to teach me how to not backtalk. I thought of him teaching me how to serve.
And I realized: A father doesn't do what he knows. A father does what is needed.
Fatherhood doesn't come with an instruction manual. How to Train Your Daughter - it doesn't exist.
A father to five girls does it in the same way as a father of five boys. A fathers sees a need and does his best. A father acts.
A man isn't born knowing how to provide, preside, and protect a family. A man - a father - is made while doing so.
A father has the courage to do what he doesn't know how to do.
I am so thankful.
I'm thankful for my dad. I have watched his example my entire life. He seems to be a wealth of strength and knowledge. I have looked up to him my whole life and even at 32 years old, he continues to teach me and challenge me - always encouraging me to do things that I don't think I can do. He walks me through it, but let's me do it. He loves to see me succeed.
I am eternally thankful for Nels. I am continually amazed at his wisdom, his thoughtfulness, his creativity. I love his open mind and open heart. He teaches me how to love more fully, more freely. He has been at my side for more than 12 years now and there is not one day in all those years that I have tired of his company or wondered whether or not I made the right choice. He is the best choice I ever made. I think our daughters are the luckiest girls in entire world to have him as their protector and teacher.
And in all honesty, I don't feel bad for him one little bit - even though he doesn't have a male dog . . .
He's got it pretty damn good.
Friday, May 16, 2014
I {heart} Violet
Violet learned how to "pump" on the swing today! She has been outside swinging for about 45 minutes now with a huge smile on her face, singing, "Up! Down! Higher! High!"
Also, conversation from the drive to school today:
Clara is discussing the wonderfulness of her "feets."
Violet: "Feets . . . ? I have feets."
Me: "Do you have feets or feet, Violet?"
Violet: "Feet!"
Me: "Right! You're smart. What about if you had only one? What would it be called?"
Violet: " . . . skipping."
Hahahaha! I love my Violet so much.
She is the sweetest little gentle spirit. She is in her own little imaginative world most of the time and goes through this life pretty quietly most of the time.
She slept in till 10:00 yesterday(!!!) and laughed when I told her that it was almost time for Elsie to get home from school.
She is teaching herself how to read(!!!) and writes almost all of her letters perfectly. As we drive she is often telling me what simple words on signs say and I find little notes from her everywhere that say "I {heart} MOM" or "I {heart} DAD" or insert any one of her sisters' names, which she knows how to spell. (Don't credit me. All but Hazel has learned to read and write almost entirely on their own by observing their sisters. So incredible to me!)
She also loves to pray and says fantastic prayers full of thanks for things like stickers, stars, Pinkie Pie, pillows, hugs, and happiness, while asking for help with awesome things like not picking her nose. (hahahahahaaa!)
I {heart} Violet.
It is a wonderful thing to see your children grow and learn. It makes my heart feel like it might burst with happiness.
Also, conversation from the drive to school today:
Clara is discussing the wonderfulness of her "feets."
Violet: "Feets . . . ? I have feets."
Me: "Do you have feets or feet, Violet?"
Violet: "Feet!"
Me: "Right! You're smart. What about if you had only one? What would it be called?"
Violet: " . . . skipping."
Hahahaha! I love my Violet so much.
She is the sweetest little gentle spirit. She is in her own little imaginative world most of the time and goes through this life pretty quietly most of the time.
She slept in till 10:00 yesterday(!!!) and laughed when I told her that it was almost time for Elsie to get home from school.
She is teaching herself how to read(!!!) and writes almost all of her letters perfectly. As we drive she is often telling me what simple words on signs say and I find little notes from her everywhere that say "I {heart} MOM" or "I {heart} DAD" or insert any one of her sisters' names, which she knows how to spell. (Don't credit me. All but Hazel has learned to read and write almost entirely on their own by observing their sisters. So incredible to me!)
She also loves to pray and says fantastic prayers full of thanks for things like stickers, stars, Pinkie Pie, pillows, hugs, and happiness, while asking for help with awesome things like not picking her nose. (hahahahahaaa!)
I {heart} Violet.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Daughters in His Kingdom
The sun spills into our bedroom windows early every morning - a fact that Nels is not overly fond of, but which I love.
This morning it is especially bright and prompts me to get up before the rest of my family. I need to bake the bread that had been rising on the counter all night for lunches today and I have five bodies in the home that have been in need of some clean clothing for a while.
I actually love doing laundry in the quiet morning sunlight. I hasn't been happening much, as evidenced by the five loads waiting to be washed, but I need to make it my routine. It makes me happy.
I turn on the oven, dump my bubbly dough onto the counter to rise a second time, and find the last session of General Conference to listen to while I start the washer and plunge into the four loads awaiting folding. Testimonies of Jesus Christ from apostles of the Lord fill my soul and I am reminded how important it is to drink from Living Waters daily. Another thing that hasn't been happening nearly often enough.
The girls wake up, Nels needs clothes that haven't been washed yet, the bread is cooking, and it's time for breakfast. The morning is rocky and filled with some frustration as I try (in vain?) to teach my girls to be responsible for getting themselves ready for school. I'm rushing to finish lunches, packing up hot bread. Everyone is late this morning. Again. {sigh}
Get Violet breakfast (she's almost always last to rise), clean up the spilled milk and flying flour. Change a diaper and back to the laundry.
As I slip the headphones onto my head I start THIS talk. Given at the General Women's Meeting in March and am transported back to attending that meeting with my two darling older girls. My eyes fill with tears and I remember that I still haven't written about that experience. Maybe it's just small, but I don't want to forget.This was the first year that all the women of the church have met together in a General meeting. Both the Young Women and the Relief Society have each had their own yearly meetings, but this year all women from age 8 and up were combined. I've never had a chance to attend something like this with my daughters and the Spirit was overwhelming.
As I listened to counsel from inspired women and a loving apostle, tears streamed down my face and I was given a glimpse of the blessing it is to me to walk this path of life with these courageous, righteous, and beautiful girls at my side. I was reminded that these girls are my equals in every way. We knew and loved one another before we came to this earth and we are here to help each other return to the Father and do a great work while here. The meeting was one of the most spiritually charged moments I've had in parenting and I know that my girls felt it as well. Both Hazel and Lilie had tears in their eyes for much of the meeting as they snuggled their sweet faces into each of my shoulders and repeatedly told me how much they love me. They whispered to me how much they want to do the right thing and how happy they were.
I am truly a blessed woman.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
My Granny
There really have been things going on in our lives. Things like birthdays, trips, lessons, school . . . but frankly, I don't feel like writing about them - just living them. Maybe someday.
In the meantime, here are some things that I've been working on.
I'm not really sure what's going on with me that I'm feeling this overwhelming need to throw myself into projects. I think there's a part of me that has spent so much time over the past many years painting, tiling, tilling, planting, moving, unpacking, moving, unpacking, moving . . . you get the idea . . . that now that we're actually staying put for the foreseeable future I have some free energy for something else. Then there's the fact we're renting what Nels refers to as our Hobbit Home (basement duplex) with somewhat dim lighting and white walls and I have a huge desire to fill it all the way up with COLOR!
But I'd like to think that it also has something to do with the following:
My cousin asked me on my birthday what I've learned this year. I hemmed and hawed around the question - there have been a lot of things that I've been learning this year, most of which are not fully formed for an impromptu 'happy birthday!' conversation. So I slept on it. I've since realized that one thing I've been working really, really hard to learn is to follow things through to completion. If I start a project, finish it. I have a plethora of projects that fit one of two scenarios:
A - Started strong then got hit with a bad case of ADD and left it 70% done.
or
B - Spent days or weeks daydreaming and planning the particulars, spent a lot of money to buy all the supplies, and then never even started.
This makes me crazy. I've spent years with ideas and plans rattling around and hanging over me and I never let them out. Maybe because I'm too busy, but mostly because I have a problem. I'll waste time doing all sorts of things that have little-to-no outcome, but hesitate for years to complete something that feels truly exciting? That doesn't make any sense.
So regardless of the whys and the "I'm so stupids" I've been working really hard this year to make things happen. Especially the things I love, the things that make me feel alive.
I'm slowly working through the piles of fabric and yarn (read: money), sifting through the ideas swirling around in my head, to free up some space inside and beautify the space around me.
My Granny: a yarn-buster project that I decided to do on the fly. I'd been working diligently on a sweater when, on my last row - so close to being done that I could taste it! - I (thought I) ran out of yarn. I was so mad about it that I rolled it all up in a wad, threw it in the cupboard, and started this project instead.
I've never made granny squares before and these were so much fun! With each square I would beam with pleasure at the different color combinations. The excitement would come busting out and spray onto whoever was closest.
The girls were always happy to join in the fun and many squares were made with their wacky choices in colors. Nels would laugh and then tell me that it was pretty. Then when I'd keep talking and talking he'd say something like, "You know, I think you may see colors different than I do. I think it looks good, but it doesn't make me excited like it makes you." :) It's true. Color is intensely stimulating to me. Maybe that's part of the reason I love sunshine - makes everything more vibrant.
The second thing I loved about this project was that I could take it with me almost anywhere. Just a few balls of yarn and a hook. I worked on this project at the pool, at the park, nearly every night after the girls went to bed, and for 1500 miles to and from Utah. It got a little unwieldy at the end as I put all 77 of those squares together, but then it just kept me really warm while watching the girls play at the playground. :)
Today the sun is shining and I couldn't help myself - I had to take my big granny outside and take some pictures with my girls. Sorry for the photo-dump, they make me happy.
I'm really excited that within a month, those brown dirt hills behind our house will be covered in velvety green wheat sprouts.
This afghan has been one of my favorite projects of all time. The colors make me so happy. When I showed my mom, she said that my great-grandma used to make black-framed granny blankets just like this one.
It's currently living on my little love seat (another project to be started/completed this summer) and it brightens my spirit every time I walk into the room!
In the meantime, here are some things that I've been working on.
I'm not really sure what's going on with me that I'm feeling this overwhelming need to throw myself into projects. I think there's a part of me that has spent so much time over the past many years painting, tiling, tilling, planting, moving, unpacking, moving, unpacking, moving . . . you get the idea . . . that now that we're actually staying put for the foreseeable future I have some free energy for something else. Then there's the fact we're renting what Nels refers to as our Hobbit Home (basement duplex) with somewhat dim lighting and white walls and I have a huge desire to fill it all the way up with COLOR!
But I'd like to think that it also has something to do with the following:
My cousin asked me on my birthday what I've learned this year. I hemmed and hawed around the question - there have been a lot of things that I've been learning this year, most of which are not fully formed for an impromptu 'happy birthday!' conversation. So I slept on it. I've since realized that one thing I've been working really, really hard to learn is to follow things through to completion. If I start a project, finish it. I have a plethora of projects that fit one of two scenarios:
A - Started strong then got hit with a bad case of ADD and left it 70% done.
or
B - Spent days or weeks daydreaming and planning the particulars, spent a lot of money to buy all the supplies, and then never even started.
This makes me crazy. I've spent years with ideas and plans rattling around and hanging over me and I never let them out. Maybe because I'm too busy, but mostly because I have a problem. I'll waste time doing all sorts of things that have little-to-no outcome, but hesitate for years to complete something that feels truly exciting? That doesn't make any sense.
So regardless of the whys and the "I'm so stupids" I've been working really hard this year to make things happen. Especially the things I love, the things that make me feel alive.
I'm slowly working through the piles of fabric and yarn (read: money), sifting through the ideas swirling around in my head, to free up some space inside and beautify the space around me.
My Granny: a yarn-buster project that I decided to do on the fly. I'd been working diligently on a sweater when, on my last row - so close to being done that I could taste it! - I (thought I) ran out of yarn. I was so mad about it that I rolled it all up in a wad, threw it in the cupboard, and started this project instead.
I've never made granny squares before and these were so much fun! With each square I would beam with pleasure at the different color combinations. The excitement would come busting out and spray onto whoever was closest.
The girls were always happy to join in the fun and many squares were made with their wacky choices in colors. Nels would laugh and then tell me that it was pretty. Then when I'd keep talking and talking he'd say something like, "You know, I think you may see colors different than I do. I think it looks good, but it doesn't make me excited like it makes you." :) It's true. Color is intensely stimulating to me. Maybe that's part of the reason I love sunshine - makes everything more vibrant.
The second thing I loved about this project was that I could take it with me almost anywhere. Just a few balls of yarn and a hook. I worked on this project at the pool, at the park, nearly every night after the girls went to bed, and for 1500 miles to and from Utah. It got a little unwieldy at the end as I put all 77 of those squares together, but then it just kept me really warm while watching the girls play at the playground. :)
Today the sun is shining and I couldn't help myself - I had to take my big granny outside and take some pictures with my girls. Sorry for the photo-dump, they make me happy.
I'm really excited that within a month, those brown dirt hills behind our house will be covered in velvety green wheat sprouts.
This afghan has been one of my favorite projects of all time. The colors make me so happy. When I showed my mom, she said that my great-grandma used to make black-framed granny blankets just like this one.
It's currently living on my little love seat (another project to be started/completed this summer) and it brightens my spirit every time I walk into the room!
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