This post is going to be a hot mess. I'm not going to edit it to death, I'm not going to let it sit and come back to it ten zillion times. There will probably be typos and swinging wildly between conviction and rambling (partly because it's a jumble of six months of thoughts, mixed with bits of emails to my bishop, topped off with a spiked hot chocolate and some stress). I just know that I can't keep having it swirling in my head. So, relevant information: I am no longer a believing Mormon.
Six years ago I found myself angry and frustrated with God and with a lot of common rhetoric within the church. I started really examining my motivations in life and realized that God and I had some work to do. Ironically, my efforts to better know God and myself seemed to only create greater dissonance around many church teachings and practices. I set aside what I could and focused primarily on my relationship with God, but eventually the myriad issues I had "put on the shelf" demanded my honest attention.
At the beginning of 2016, I came to the uncomfortable realization that I didn't really know or trust God. I had spent most of my life trusting "the Church", but not really God's ability to uniquely answer ME. ... Actually, that's wrong. I didn't trust in my ability to receive honest answers from God. So I started really asking and really listening. Over the course of nearly two years, I have studied almost everything I can get my hands on in an effort to figure out what I truly believe. I have deliberately put almost every single one of my religious beliefs on the alter - holding nothing back with the justification of "Stupid, Rachel. You already got an answer to that one a long time ago, so you don't need to ask it again." My God doesn't hold back honest answers to my honest questions as any kind of Faith Test. We don't work like that. My faith is not in any man, woman, relationship, or institution. My faith lies in that Voice of Truth that lives inside my soul. It will forever be a work in progress, this Listening, but I'm not afraid anymore.
Some of the things I have learned FOR ME: I don't believe that the LDS church is the one true church on the earth. I don't believe that at all, actually. I don't believe in legalistic or bureaucratic gods. I don't really believe in "right" paths, I just believe in the path that is uniquely ours - which is definitely messy. The only god that I can honestly claim to know is the loving and true connection that flows between humans and the bounteous creativity of the earth and the soul. If I were pressed, I might identify as a humanist? I don't know, I kinda wish I could be all the things - Catholic, Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Taoist, Pagan, atheist, Hindu, agnostic . . . I still don't know much about Islam or Shinto or Baha'i, but I bet I would love them, too. I like holding space for mysticism and mystery, for miracles and chaos. There are a lot of things that I don't understand and so many things that I want to explore. I reserve the right to continue to learn and grow. I deeply believe in unexplainable connection between normal, messy people and I think that religions and their histories are FASCINATING. (Seriously, if you want to talk religion, I would LOVE to talk religion.) I love God. I don't know what or how or if. . . but still, I really like the idea.
I love the LDS church for all it's given to me - the depth and the questions and the caring community. It's a complicated thing to walk away from an organization and not have members feel like it's a rejection of individuals. I know that I can't keep anyone else from feeling sad for our family. I know that it's a normal part of the culture and beliefs. I know that it comes from a place of love. I wish I could calm concerns. This decision has absolutely been the most difficult of my life, and still I choose it. I wish I could explain that we haven't been deceived or offended and that we aren't just too lazy to hold to the iron rod or that we haven't chosen this path because we really, really just wanted to sin. I wish there were a way to convey the joy and peace that I have personally found in this path and how it's opened up so much curiosity and love for all of humanity and the myriad paths we take through life. I wish I could explain that Faith and Grace mean something much deeper and more beautiful to me now than they ever have before and that they do so even if there were no God at all. But I know that I don't get to choose the way another person sees the world and I don't get to determine the way that other people view my journey.
I will forever honor my Mormon heritage and my family's and friends' beliefs - they are honest and true - but they are no longer mine.
Darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrapped my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety 'til I sank it
I'm crawling on your shores
And I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
~Indigo Girls
Recently, I've had a few different people hesitantly reach out to me with questions about my relationship with the church. Please know that I am always happy to answer questions or have a conversation about this (probably unexpected) transition in my life. I've turned off comments on this post, but if you'd like to send me a private message, email, text, or have a conversation, I'd love to chat.
