I feel like such a mess lately.
I'm sure it doesn't help that (other than our vacation) I've felt much like a single parent lately . . .
Just overwhelmed, tired, fine, not-fine, self-conscious, mad, happy, emotional, dead-to-the-world, productive, lazy . . . . Just basically C.R.A.Z.Y.
It's awesome.
Trying to balance my time and energy, yet still wanting to do everything and basically failing at everything. I feel spread too thin between a million different things that I want to be amazing at. I want to be able to do everything - to the ability that I know I could - if it was the only thing in my life.
I want to be a better mom. I want to be a better homemaker. I want to be a better cook. A better decorator. A better friend. A better wife. A better me.
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I have a long, long list of projects that I want to complete -- finish painting the basement, finish remaking my filing cabinet, paint the cupboard door in the bathroom, paint and hang my shutters, organize my laundry room and my storage room, paint the girls room, crochet baby hat, sew nightgowns for my girls, finish sewing dresses for girls, paint Elsie's bed, make birdies for little girls' room, make curtains for closet in little girls' room, make bed skirt for Elsie's bed, paint downstairs bathroom, dig up dead bush in front flower bed, weed front flower bed, clean out garage, clean out coat closet . . . the list goes on and on and on.
I either don't start them when I have time or start them and then get sidetracked - not finishing them until months or YEARS later - if ever. I hate it. My follow through has been terrible for years! I dream of having a different house and leaving my current "to-do's" for this house behind. Seriously. I have dreams about it.
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I love the kids in our neighborhood. They're wonderful and such good friends for my kids. I don't know what I'd do without them. At the same time, there is one little girl, in particular, that is troublesome to me. With her, three is ALWAYS a crowd. One of my girls is always on the outs. She can be mean and nasty and sneaky. Encouraging my children to do things that they know are wrong - behind my back. She just waltzes into our backyard whenever she desires. I can't tell my kids that I don't want them to play with friends on any given day, because if they're outside, even in our own backyard - she magically materializes. And I just get sick of all the drama that ensues when they're playing together.
Sometimes they all get along great. Sometimes the problems are not her fault at all. Mostly I'm glad that my children have a friend to play with. But sometimes, I want to kick her little fanny. Lately, I want to kick her little fanny. I'd like to have a gate on my side yard that would allow me to close it - and even lock it when I so choose.
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My ten year class reunion is coming up next month. I want to go. I've been planning on going for years. At the same time . . . I feel weird. I'm so very happy with my life, but at the same time, I don't know that I want to deal with all the comparing that will inevitably be part of the experience. Not that I wish my life were different or I'm not satisfied and completely confident in the life that I lead. I love my girls. I love husband. I'm happy with where we are and where we're headed. I love who I am and I love the role that I'm fulfilling at this time in my life . . . it's just . . .
I don't look the way I want to. I don't have the time or organization to exercise the way I want to. I'm eating for two and thus don't eat quite the way I should . . . I had a baby four months ago.
I haven't seen any of those people in over TEN YEARS! Good grief. I only knew them for three years when I was in high school. Do I really care to re-form relationships that for the most part I have not missed - even a little bit? I don't really know those people anymore. They don't know me.
I can exude confidence - but really? I don't like being around people I don't know. I get nervous. I don't know what to say. Get me past that self-conscious place, and I can have a grand old time - with minimal discomfort, but right now? I don't know . . .
At the same time, there are a few people that I'd really like to see and catch up with. -- But what if those people don't even come???
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I'm a mess. And here's what think is happening:
have you ever started a lawnmower? You know, you pull the rope and nothing happens and then you pull it again, it sputters a little then dies. So you push the little primer button a few times, and then pull again. It slowly starts and then suddenly ROARS to life. Then you turn down the motor speed a little, so that it sounds and feels normal and off you go. (Sorry if this analogy is lost on some. I like mowing the lawn.)
Well, that's how I feel. I feel like my hormones have been more sedentary since having Violet - yet right now, they seem to be starting up. Pulled and stretched, then nothing. Sputtering a little then dying. Roaring to life! - on high gear - and they need to be turned down just a little bit. So we can go along happily at a normal speed again. I'm a little high strung right now. Wound too tight.
Each of us battle every single day against the demons that we have. When I'm emotionally where I should be, the wall I build against them is strong and rarely penetrable. I'm happy with me. I like me. I'm not everything I want to be, but I'm happy with my efforts and I know that I'm making progress. Life and change takes time. Different phases come and go. As I stay close to the Lord, I feel peace and happiness and joy. There are times of craziness, but there's always an underlying calm. I feel good. The little doubts and fears and insecurities take a back seat to the person I really am.
However, I feel like my hormones are going cooky right now and they're busting holes in my wall. It's very frustrating.
Give it a week and I'll probably be fine again.
And yet, at the same time, I know exactly how to fix it NOW. And I'm not doing it.
The answer (for me) is to get to work.
Stop whining, stop indulging, stop delaying.
Just get to work.
I know this, because I've seen it throughout my whole life. My parents have been incredible examples to me of this principle. I've seen it work in my own life.
Stop waiting to "feel like it" and just DO IT.
As I DO IT, I start to FEEL LIKE IT.
I need to stop waiting for this phase to move on and choose to be happy where I am.
Too often we tell ourselves, "I'll be happy when . . . " I know that we can be happy NOW. What if things DON'T change. What about all the things out of our control? People out of our control? Are we going to waste our lives away waiting for someone or something else to make us happy?
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I don't know what I'm going to do about going to my reunion. I really don't know.
But today - I'm going to:
take a shower.
clean the kitchen.
make bread.
finish at least ONE project.
talk to my neighbor about building a GATE for our yard.
sort and do laundry.
MOW the LAWN.
And choose to speak softer, feel kinder, and accept the peace that the Lord will give as I ask for it.
