Testimony Thoughts

A couple Sundays ago, a member of our Bishopric stopped by our house. He didn't bring anything specific up, so I figured he just wanted to see how we were doing. How sweet, right? Not. As the conversation was winding down, he sprung on us that he'd like us to speak in church on the 8th. How rude. And here I was, thinking how nice it was of him to stop by and check on us.

I'll tell you all now. I'm really weird, really odd, and really unusual from everyone else I know.

I don't like speaking in church! {{{GASP!!}}} I know.

We said yes. Because . . . . well, just because.

Our topics were faith and testimony. Nels being the gentleman that he is, let me choose which one I wanted and I eventually settled on Testimony.

I spent a lot of time, tears, and logged a lot of prayer hours preparing for this talk (nothing too unusual there). Having said that, I still wouldn't normally publish a talk that I had to give in church, but as I thought about it, I felt that I should. My grand plan is to print out my blog as a kind of scrapbook/journal for the years to come. For me to look back on and for my family to be able to read and enjoy as well.

While preparing, I first attempted to write a talk in a very textbook fashion --- what is a testimony, how do we get it, why do we need it, etc. But honestly, every time I attempted to go that direction, it didn't feel right and I started to stress out to the point of tears. In desperation, I then contemplated just reading scripture after scripture for fifteen minutes or plagiarizing some past Conference talk, but not surprisingly, that didn't working either. :)

After crying to Nels and praying really hard - I resigned myself to stop trying to come up with anything astounding and just share some of my own personal experiences of gaining a testimony. For this reason, I've decided to record it here on my blog. This isn't some lesson on testimony, these are a few of my own experiences that I hope to remember. By no means are these my only thoughts about or experiences with gaining a testimony (they're definitely not even my most personal and sacred) but they're a few that I wanted to share.

As I contemplate my own testimony, I don't know that I could pinpoint any exact moment when I KNEW that the Church was true. It seems that it's always just been something that's there - growing and maturing as I've gone through my life.

I can remember losing my glasses as maybe a five or six year old - coming to my mom and having her tell me, "I don't know where they are, but Heavenly Father does and if you ask him, He'll help you find them." I'd go kneel in my bedroom and ask him to help me. And he did. Whether it was for a pair of glasses, a homework assignment, or some random little treasure that can only be important to a child. It's something that is still amazing to me as an adult. That the Lord, while He's taking care of the entire universe, is still concerned enough about me to help me find my car keys, my wedding ring, a misplaced check, or even my daughter's shoes. My parents have shared multiple similar experiences with me throughout my life. Times when they've lost an earring or a wallet. Asking the Lord to please help them find it and being given a clear picture in their mind of exactly where it is. It's such a simple thing, but was probably my first experiences with coming to know that the Lord knows me personally.

When Nels and I were dating in college, we had traveled over to Mnt. Home to visit his family with some friends of ours. On the way back, it was foggy, cold, and incredibly icy. Nels and I were snuggled up in the back of the car without our seat belts on - talking. As we neared American Falls, the road was slick and as my roommate switched lanes to pass a semi parked on the side of the road, we lost traction and started spinning, ending up hitting the car in front of us, nicking the semi, and exentually sliding off the road into the median. To say the least we were shaken, but none of us were hurt. We got out and to our surprise policemen seemed to materialize out of nowhere to help us out. As they ushered us into their patrol car, we learned that only half an hour earlier there had been a fatal accident just on the other side of the freeway, which is why they were already there. Walking across the freeway, we could see that it was covered in more than an inch of solid ice. As we waited for the highway patrolman to finish his report, we decided that we should call our parents to let them know what had happened. As soon as my mom picked up the phone, she said, "What happened." I laughed and made some joke about how we'd been arrested. She didn't think I was funny and again asked what had happened and what time. After telling her she explained to me that at exactly the time we'd been sliding around the road, she'd been folding laundry and had an overwhelming feeling that something was wrong and we were in trouble. She immediately went to her knees and started praying for us.

I'll never know what may have happened had we not had the power of her righteous, loving prayers behind us, but it was yet another witness to me that the Lord was watching out for me. That I'm his daughter and he knows who I am.

At times in my life when I have felt alone or overwhelmed, I've been able to turn to the scriptures and feel the love that my Heavenly Father has for me.

As a young mother, I had a difficult time (as I'm sure most do) adjusting to my new role as a wife and as a mother. Feeling lost and overwhelmed. Going to school, caring for a home, trading babysitting with other young moms trying to go to school, fulfilling a demanding calling in our student ward, and also caring for my little family. Hazel was only one, Nels was super busy, and I was pregnant with Lilie. In comparison to the craziness that we have now, looking back, it seems like it should have been a breeze, but it wasn't and I felt so overwhelmed. But somehow, every time I opened the scriptures during that time period, they seemed to fall open to D&C 84. 

"[C]onsider the lilies of the field, how the grow, they toil not, neither do they spin; and the kingdoms of the world, in all their glory, are not arrayed like one of these. For your Father, who is in heaven, knoweth that you have need of all these things. Therefore, let the morrow take thought for the things of itself."

I know that my Heavenly Father DOES know all these things. The things we're worried about. The things we want. We are his children.

3 Nephi 14:7-11

7 Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

  8 For every one that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.

  9 Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone?

  10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?

  11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

I know that our Heavenly Father knows how to give good gifts to His children.

I know that the greatest of those gifts is our Savior. 

I have felt His comfort as I've sought for peace. I've felt His tender arms around me when I'm lonely. I've felt His joy for me when I've succeeded. And I've felt His forgiveness and pure love or me when I've made mistakes.

Alma reminds us that our testimonies come line upon line, precept upon precept. Whether as a child or an adult, I've found this to be true. He says:

27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.

  28 Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.

He goes on to explain how that one little seed can grow into a beautiful tree that bears the most precious fruit.

There are a lot of things that I don't know. But I DO have testimony of this principle. As I've taken a chance, maybe it's just a desire to know or to believe, I have felt the truth of this gospel grow and swell within me. It is delicious to me and has born beautiful healing fruit that fills my soul.

I know that this testimony comes through the Holy Ghost. Under the definition of "Holy Ghost" on the Church website it says,

[The Holy Ghost] "witnesses of the Father and the Son" (2 Nephi 31:18) and reveals and teaches "the truth of all things" (Moroni 10:5). We can receive a sure testimony of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ only by the power of the Holy Ghost. His communication to our spirit carries far more certainty than any communication we can receive through our natural senses.

As I've tried to figure out how the Lord speaks to me, I've struggled at times. -- I think hoping that my answers would come like a thunderbolt or maybe a hard knock on the head. :) But that's not generally how he speaks.

President Packer tell us:

The voice of the Spirit is described in the scriptures as being neither loud nor harsh, not a voice of thunder, neither a voice of great tumultuous noise, but rather as still and small, of perfect mildness, as if it had been a whisper, and it can pierce even the very soul and cause the heart to burn.

The Spirit does not get our attention by shouting. It never shakes us with a heavy hand. The Spirit whispers. It caresses so gently, indeed, that if we are preoccupied, we can’t feel it at all.

Occasionally, the Spirit will press just firmly enough or often enough for us to pay attention; but from my experience, most of the time, if we do not heed the gentle feeling, if we do not listen with those feelings, the Spirit will withdraw and wait until we come seeking and listening, in our manner and our expression.

I have learned that the very impressive and miraculous spiritual experiences come very infrequently. 

You cannot force spiritual things. A testimony is not thrust upon you; it grows. We become taller in our testimony like we grow in physical stature and hardly know it is happening, because it comes by growth.

As an adult, I've found my testimony has continued to grow and mature as I practice and obey.

When we're pinching our pennies and still pay our tithing. The car breaks down and miraculously a check comes in from some random source we'd totally forgotten about in almost exactly the amount needed. When I've gone Visiting Teaching at the end of a long day, leaving Nels at home to care for the girls alone after a stressful day at work. And as I'm there, being utterly filled with undeniable love for this sweet sister who I've only just met. When I've been given callings that I truly don't think I want, but have accepted and then have been able to not only perform, but have been able to find joy and happiness in doing so.

From my experiences through my childhood and through college from being a young mother to becoming a slightly older and still entirely clueless mother, I have come to recognize the sweet guiding, golden thread of truth that weaves its way through all aspects of my life. I'm not perfect and all too often I get in my own way of doing and feeling what I know is right. But through it all, it's still there. 

In an article written in 2001, Elder Wirthlin said:

Remember, Church members who receive a testimony of the gospel are under covenant “to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places.” In bearing . . . testimony, speaking by the power of the Holy Ghost, we are promised that “the Holy Ghost shall be shed forth in bearing record unto all things whatsoever [we] shall say.” We are blessed personally when we so testify.

President Boyd K. Packer said: “A testimony is to be found in the bearing of it. Somewhere in your quest for spiritual knowledge, there is that ‘leap of faith,’ as the philosophers call it. It is the moment when you have gone to the edge of the light and step into the darkness to discover that the way is lighted ahead for just a footstep or two."

Making a determined and confident public statement of your belief is such a step into the unknown. It has a powerful effect in strengthening your own convictions. Bearing testimony drives your faith deeper into your soul, and you believe more fervently than before.

The Lord said, “Ye are blessed, for the testimony which ye have borne is recorded in heaven for the angels to look upon; and they rejoice over you, and your sins are forgiven you.” I have tried to follow this counsel to bear testimony.

I think I'd like all the forgiveness that I can get. I know that my Redeemer lives. I know that he is my Savior. That through him I can live again with my Father in Heaven. That I can become like him.

I know that the gospel was restored through the prophet Joseph Smith. I know that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God today.

I know that the Book of Mormon is true. I believe with all of my heart that as we obey, as we desire, as we experiment - the Lord will fulfill his promises to us. As Alma says: 

41 [If] ye will nourish the word, yea, nourish the tree as it beginneth to grow, by your faith with great diligence, and with patience, looking forward to the fruit thereof, it shall take root; and behold it shall be a tree springing up unto everlasting life.

  42 And because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst.