Pretty much since moving into this house, I have been in a weird funk.
I love living here. I love the area. I love the people. I love the house. I love my family and I love the time that we've been able to regain as a family since moving here. I am happy.
At the same time, I've had this crazy underlying tension, always lying in wait for when I get too tired or too hormonal or . . . something.
I am trying to do everything. And I can't.
And it's really frustrating.
I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to make sure that the priorities of my life are in the right order. I'm trying to maintain a home with seven people. I clean and I clean and I clean and I wash and fold and wash. I love it and sometimes I feel like my children are the sloppiest people on earth and sometimes I nag my husband because he doesn't see the "to-do's" the way I do and sometimes I take a Sunday afternoon nap and regret it for the next two days because of all I should have gotten done instead of sleeping for 4 hours while the children threw popcorn kernels and cut-up pieces of paper all over the house. Some days I work from before sun-up until well after everyone else in the house is asleep. And it's still not all done.
But mostly I just love it.
I love the process of figuring things out. I truly don't find my role as Homemaker monotonous. I'm just practicing over and over and over and over and over again, trying to figure it out like a chemical reaction or something. Do I find the never-ending laundry monotonous? Yes. Do I find the phrase, "Put away your backpack and shoes, in the closet, with the door closed." monotonous? Yes. But that's just part of my job. Not THE job.
My problem is that, like a chemical reaction or a math equation, I seem to think that I'm going to figure it out some day. (Like, today.) And I can't seem to do it.
And it's making me crazy.
I want to be able to
manage the physical, social, psychological, and spiritual needs of five people all under the age of 9
manage our schedules - without forgetting things like dr. appts, activities, field trips, church functions
maintain basic order in a home where 7 people live
make menus and budgets that are balanced and economical
have a beautiful yard, because I love gardening
blog several times a week, because I love it and I don't want to forget and I love it
read the scriptures daily, because I truly want to grow closer to the Savior
pray (regularly) with real purpose, for my children, for Nels, for me, for my friends and family, for my calling
exercise, lose baby weight and feel strong again
actually sit down during the day
make time to have fun with my family
actually sit down during the day
make things, via yarn, fabric, paint, etc.
and to top it all off, along with my large family, I also keep adding more living things into my life in the form of fish and birds and plants that also need care and attention and maintenance. (what is WRONG with me?!!!)
And I feel like I'm failing.
I don't know how to fit it all in.
Go ahead. Ask me about it. I'll probably burst into tears right before your eyes. It's happened a couple of times now with near strangers. It's awesome.
I cried to my mom about it this morning. For a long time. She told me that she understood exactly how I felt. She told me that while she does try to make time to pray on her knees, most of the time she prays on her feet or while driving in the car.
She told me that I'm doing a good job.
And it made me actually feel better. Because she was speaking the truth.
She reminded me that Heavenly Father sends perfect children to dummies all over the world, that's part of his plan. It's a process, an important process. One that takes a L.O.N.G. time. And she reminded me that only Satan tells me I'm not doing good enough.
I just need to tell him to get off of my back. (and sometimes I do. literally.)
And I felt the truth in her words when she told me that I don't have to be perfect.
I still don't know how to fit all the important things that I want into my life, but my mama reminded me that it's just practice. I'm doing a good job.
And the desires of our hearts count for a lot.
10 comments:
*sobbing* You put into words EXACTLY how I feel. Only I have 3 instead of 5. Love you and your amazing perspective. And thank you for this great post. :)
The line that's sticking in my head right now is "Heavenly Father sends perfect children to dummies all over the world." I needed that, thank you. I feel like being pregnant brings out all of my inadequacies. Yesterday was one of those days where I was late for everything, didn't feed the people I said I would when I said I'd do it, so they went home hungry. Dinner wasn't done on time and I couldn't convince my 1 child to go to sleep, nor could I convince my pregnant self to work out even though I should. And now I feel insignificant because I only have 1 and 1 on the way and I can't keep up either! But I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. Thanks Rachel.
Thanks for sharing your feelings! It's good to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way! You do so much that I never could! Keep up the great work!!:)
You are AWESOME!! You amaze me every day with the things that you accomplish and do! Thanks for the post! I needed to hear that too!
I find I have to pray "on the go" too. I feel like I'm always in the car driving people somewhere. I feel like this job can be monotonous and not at the same time and I so know the frustrating feeling of it never being all "figured out". Just know you're not alone in all these crazy thoughts and feelings, I think we all have them at some time or another, or many times in my case! You are doing a good job, look at your sweet kids, they love you and that means you must be doing something right. You're an amazing Mom and I look up to you. Thanks for putting this post out there.
You are doing just as good as anyone else! I pray on the run (well, not running) most of the time. My knees definitely are not worn down from kneeling! And my children survived being raised by an idiot mother!! So keep up the good job that you are doing!
I have forgotten about the blog world for a long time and I am just catching up on your blog and this was a great blog for me to read because I feel like such a dummy mom ALL THE TIME. And I only have one! Being a mom is the hardest thing in the world. (It's also the best and most rewarding thing in the world, but I forget that all the time.) I'm glad that I'm not the only one who feels like a failure sometimes... well a lot of the time, but who's counting? ;) At any rate, I can tell that you are doing a great job. Otherwise you wouldn't care so much :)
Totally feeling this way today. Thanks for sharing all you and your mom's awesome wisdom. Love you!
Yes. Amen. My husband just emailed me your post because he loved it so much. Now that's a compliment.
We are in the process of moving and your words brought me comfort. Kids suffer so much during a move....it breaks my heart. Our Father knows we are trying....at least that's what he keeps whispering in my ear.
The hard times are always part of the good times. Always.
Loved every word. I only have three.
Moving had brought a whole new perspective to my daily duties. I miss them. I miss predictability. I miss doing things as a team. Bless all those single mothers.
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