Part Three: A Season of Choices

Come, come ye Saints, no toil or labor fear; but with joy, wend your way.

Though hard to you, this journey may appear, grace shall be as your day.

'Tis better far for us to strive our useless cares from us to drive;

Do this and joy, your hearts will swell - All is well! All is well!

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard? 'Tis not so, all is right.

Why should we think to earn a great reward if we now shun the fight.

Gird up your loins; fresh courage take. Our God will never us forsake.

And soon we'll have this tale to tell - All is well! All is well!

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The summer after Nels and I were married, I was pregnant with Hazel. The chip sealing company in Boise that he'd worked for the summer before had once again offered him a job and since decent employment is always scarce in Rexburg, we jumped at the chance. Mel and Kathy graciously opened their home to us for the summer, since it would have been quite expensive to rent an apartment in the area for only a few months before we returned to school in the Fall.

It was a long, hot, dry summer. The employment that Nels had been offered turned out to be finicky, at best. His boss would call him up and say that he would need him in to Boise for work the next day, only to call the next morning saying that he didn't. This was the routine more often than not, but always with, "I'm really sorry this week was so crazy. Next week I've really got a lot of work coming in and we're going to be super busy, so be ready."

The summer rolled on and when Nels tried to find a different job, summer positions had already been filled and no one seemed to want to hire someone for less than two months. (Go figure!) It was the end of July. Nels had only worked sporadically for the last two and a half months. We had a baby due in ten weeks. And we weren't even sure we'd have the money to pay the deposit and first month's rent when we moved back to Rexburg. I was stressed.

That Sunday at church we were celebrating Pioneer Day - the day that the first group of Mormon Pioneers made it to the Salt Lake Valley. I was hormonal, hot, swollen, and worried. On the verge of tears, I prayed throughout the meeting. Pouring out all my fears and worries to the Lord.

As the meeting ended, we sang "Come, Come Ye Saints" as the closing hymn and He answered me. All would be well. He was aware of me, my little family, and our needs. We had been paying our tithing and He would provide for us. All is well.

And it was. Nels got a job that week and was able to earn enough money that we were back at school in a nice little apartment preparing for the arrival of our first baby a month later.

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Two and a half weeks ago, I sat in a Sacrament Meeting in Woodland, Utah. (My great...great Grandfather was the first Bishop of that ward.) I was on vacation at the Moon family cabin with my parents, brothers, sisters and their families. Nels was (as always, it seems) home, working all weekend long to finish up a number of HUGE projects for Melaleuca. It was the 24th of July - Pioneer Day. I was pregnant, hot, swollen, and worried.

Nels would be gone this coming weekend, interviewing in Sandpoint, Idaho. I was fairly certain that they would offer him the job - hoping and yet dreading that they would. The night before, I'd slept only a couple of hours before being wakened with unanswerable, stressed out, pregnant thoughts. Finally returning to sleep only moments before the sun and Violet rose. I sat through that Sacrament Meeting on the verge of tears, distracted from most of what was being said. Shuffling in my seat to keep from passing out in the crowded, hot room and at the same time praying over and over in my head that we would be able to know what was right for our family. Everything seemed to be going so well, but the timing of all of this could NOT be worse. So many potential situations. None of which seemed to have a perfect solution.

As the meeting (thankfully!) ended, we sang "Come, Come Ye Saints" as the closing hymn and He reminded me. "Rachel. I've always taken care of you before. Why would you question me now? All is well."

That evening, before leaving the cabin to return home, I asked my Dad to give me a Father's Blessing. As much peace as I had felt in the sweet reminder I'd been given earlier that day, I really felt that I could use the additional comfort and instruction that can come from a Priesthood Blessing.

I love my dad so much. I'm so thankful to have such a worthy, loving, righteous man as my father.

In the blessing, among many words of comfort, love, and reassurance, I was told that this decision was our choice. There wasn't a right or a wrong answer. This was a path that we were given, to decide what we wanted, and there would be many blessings for us and our family either way. I was also told to remember that the hardest choices also reap the greatest blessings along with them. 

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A while ago I wrote about how my mind puts things on the "back burner", where I keep them simmering for varying lengths of time. Mulling them over and gathering information. These thoughts often become what feel like themes for different periods of my life - allowing the Lord to teach me more about it.

One of these "themes" that I've had "simmering" for probably the past year or so is Choice, Agency, and Desire. More specifically, I've noticed that I seem to have gone through much of my life believing that the Lord has some predetermined "path" for me and my job is to find it and then stay on it. However, as I've been gathering information and learning, I've come to the conclusion that even though my previous belief is probably not entirely wrong, it's not entirely right either.

It's a little hard to explain (without making this post MUCH longer than it already is), but I've come to believe that because the Lord loves us as his children, he wants us to be happy. And along with that, He gives to us according to "the desires of our hearts." And because he is the very best parent, the Lord knows how to give good gifts to his children. I believe that we have a lot more say over the course of our lives than we (or at least I) probably understand. 

I've come to believe that if there is a path that is flat out unsafe (physically or spiritually) or "wrong", the Lord will warn us of such - but (of course) still allow us to take that path if we choose. Come what may, he will bless us with opportunities for success, learning, and growth. There will also be consequences for the path chosen. For many paths in life, there really isn't a wrong or a right choice. We are faced with diverging paths. We can choose one or another. It is right because it is the one we desire. As we stay close to the Lord and live righteously, the Lord will bring experiences into our lives that will teach us and help us to grow closer to Him - regardless of which path it was that we chose. 

Now that is very simplified and probably very confusing, but I hope you get the drift.

When, in the blessing my dad gave me, I was told that the decision to move or not was our CHOICE, I felt an enormous amount of peace. It showed me, once again, that my Heavenly Father knows me. I felt the enormity of the decision that we needed to make, but peace in knowing that this is a point in our lives where the roads diverge. Where the decision that we make now will significantly alter the course of the rest of our lives. And it's ours to make.

I don't know what lies down either path. 

One seems comfortable. to stay. to continue the life that we've built here. to continue doing what we know. which is truly so wonderful!

The other seems . . . uncertain? scary? exciting? to go somewhere new. a new job. a new place. farther away from family and the friendships that we've built here. new challenges. but also new opportunities for learning and growth. individually and as a family.

And so we've made a choice. 

It's not a choice of running away from some unpleasant life. It's a choice to leave something that has been so very wonderful. The last five years that we have lived in Idaho Falls have been challenging at times (life always is), but overall have been incredible. We have made many amazing friendships with people that have forever impacted and changed our lives for the better. We bought our first house. And made it a home. For the first time in our married lives we lived somewhere long enough to become a part of a ward. We've been able to live close enough to both our families to visit when we want and build beautiful relationships with our parents, siblings, in-laws, cousins . . . {tears}. We've learned what it means to be a family.

It will be hard to leave those we love and be so far away. We will miss out on most Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners with our families, we will miss out on having those we love all come when we bless our baby, baptize our children, and celebrate birthdays and other milestones. We won't be there for the spontaneous reunions at Grandma's and Grandpa's house, trips to the zoo, the cabin, the farm. We won't be there to share in many of the heartaches or the triumphs of life with those we love so much.

It's a hard decision.

We're leaving and heading for something that will also be really wonderful for our family. I can't help but to be excited for the new adventures in store for our family. For the new friendships that we'll make. For the new experiences that we'll have living in a completely new area. For a new job. New house. New ward. New community.

And it will be good. I know it will.

If we can just make it through the next five weeks . . .