Pressure

{I wrote this post and never published it at the time. I really just needed to blow off some steam one morning. However, after finally coming out the other side of this stressful time in our lives, I came back to read over it and realized that while this post is a little erratic, it was still a part of my experience at the time and my feelings were valid. I don't mind every one of my readers not reading this post (since it is now buried under months of other posts), but I don't want to delete it either. I want to remember, because it's a part of who I am and who I become.  ~~~ May 6, 2012}

I need to vent. But I don't want everyone in the world to read it. I'm sick of complaining.

But I just need to get this off my chest. Literally?

I was sitting in bed this morning - have been for about an hour - thinking over what we are doing with the house. I don't know what to do.

I really want to be able to list it ourselves. I don't want to pay the extra money to have it listed with a realtor. If we can sell it for what he's saying, we'll be out about $2-4000. Money down the drain. Money that we still owe on the house. We could could come up with it, somehow. But how will that reflect when we're trying to buy a new home at the same time??? But we need to get this ball rolling as soon as possible. REALLY.

Second, I could list it with a flat fee mls service. They charge about $3-400, and then it's in the mls. But what if we do that and just end up listing with a realtor later . . . then we're out the time. Right now, if we sold this week, there is still a possibility that we could get out of this house and into a new one before we move. Or very shortly thereafter.

Do we take the gamble and possibly waste time?

I've had one recurring dream (nightmare?) since I was a kid. Sure, I used to have several -- things like godzilla breaking into the church or dinosaurs in our backyard - but this one has remained. Only to creep up at weird times. I haven't had it in a long time. But this morning as I sat in the quiet, the feeling was there - even though I wasn't dreaming. And it was even worse. It remains with me.

I am in a dark space all alone. It's endless. Just dark - with one light shining right in the center. In that center there is a pin. Standing on its pointed end. On top of it are stacked boxes and shapes. All heavy. Up as far as I can see. All balancing on the head of this pin.

That's all it is. It never changes. It never falls. The light never comes on. Just a dark space with a pin, heavy shapes stacked on top of it.

And silence.

But the silence and the balance of it all feels as if it is on my chest. In my arms. All around.

Pressure.

The silence and the anticipation of the inevitable all just feel like an immense pressure weighing on me.

It feels hard to breathe.

That's how I felt this morning as I sat in the dark and quiet thinking about the house.

Pressure.

Pressure and weight wrapping up in my arms. Constricting. All through me till I just needed to move. To break the stillness. To unwind the tightness.

I feel like I don't know what to do.

I feel like I don't know how to get the answers.

I feel a little disconnected.

Am I depressed?

I've feel like I've been smashing down all relevant feelings because they do THIS to me. I've been avoiding the questions - and to some extent productive actions - because when I don't, I can't sleep and I feel really overwhelmed. It's so much easier to not think about.

And then there's the baby coming too.

So much coming.

And I don't know how to do any of it.

I want to move forward - but I don't actually have any control over any of it actually happening.

The house is going to sell, right?

When?

Are we stuck here? While Nels goes. Me with a brand new baby. Five kids all by myself. For how long. And a brand new baby. With Hazel's and Elsie's birthdays at the end of next month. And Nels will be 8 hours away.

And he'll have to pay for housing. Somewhere to live. While we are here.

I want to pray. I want to get some direction. I want to get some answers.

But I don't feel like I "hear" very well.

And that's depressing.

I feel like I'm second guessing any feelings that I actually allow to come through.

I don't want to feel that everything is going to be okay --- only to have things not turn out the way I want them to. I feel like it will just make me feel worse. And so I don't pray at all.

I know I'm wrong.

I just don't know what to do about it.