Put me in a Wheelchair, Get me to the Show . . . I Wanna Be Sedated

Can you see my feet? Me neither. :)

Well, I'm still here. :) No coma induction, yet. But the lyrics of that Ramones song keeps running through my head. "Put me in a wheelchair, get me to the show. Hurry, hurry, hurry, before I go loco. I can't control my fingers, I can't control my toes. . . . I WANNA BE SEDATED!"

It would be no surprise to me if Nels was also singing it on his way to work yesterday morning after dealing with me. Apparently, it must have just been time for my scheduled weekly meltdown. Complete with tears, ranting, and hup-hups. :) Not really a pretty sight, but I was tired. And sometimes I just get worried. And anxious. And uncomfortable. And anxious. And anxious. And anxious. And tired.

But I'm feeling better today. Which is good. Just thank your lucky stars that I didn't actually publish the post that I wrote at 5:30 in the morning yesterday in an attempt to blow off some steam.

I went to one of my weekly Midwife appointments yesterday. Everything is going well. I'm less than two weeks from my due date. I have contractions constantly. It's lovely. But I've had enough children now to realize that it's pointless to time them or even give them any heed at all at this point in the game. The baby is engaged down so low that I'm pretty sure she's going to fall out any day now (or at least that's what I'm praying for ;) and yesterday it seemed she may do just that - using my diaphragm as leverage in an escape attempt. Funny enough, people still seem surprised that I'm as far along as I am. I just seem to carry my babies very far inside. Someday when I need corrective surgery to return my stomach from my armpit and my intestines from somewhere up around my neck to their proper places, I'll let my five children know that the bill is all theirs.

August is quickly winding down and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. We've decided not to go up to Sandpoint to look at houses until we get some serious idea of what's going to be happening with our current home. That's actually a huge relief to me to have one less thing that's on my docket. And I've decided to go ahead and enroll the girls in school. I've been vacillating back and forth on this -- seeing as how the schools in Sandpoint don't even begin until the 7th of September -- but I've come to the realization that there is a very real possibility that the girls and I may be here for a while after Nels leaves to start work up there, so I might as well be prepared. Praying constantly that that is not the case, but still - better to be ready.

As a result, I feel very emotionally unprepared for school to happen this year. I finally bought school supplies, but still need to do a little bit of clothes shopping and helping to get the girls both ready for this adjustment, but I'm just having a difficult time "feeling it."

Too many things going on. Too many things that I'm waiting for. I don't know how to be emotionally ready for all of them.

I need to feel a little more prepared for the fact that a new baby is coming to our home soon. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my mind around how we're going to pull that off at the same time we're selling a house and it needs to be clean and ready to show at a moment's notice. I've finally taken the initiative to get the house listed with the MLS --- through a flat fee listing, rather than a realtor. I'm praying that this is the right choice. It makes it so that buyer's realtors can now find the house and know that they are welcome to show it. I'm just nervous about trying to do this with uncertainty about the baby coming and with four little kids already living here. And ME.

I feel tired, worn out, and absolutely no ambition to do anything.

The house isn't a mess, but how on earth am I going to keep it "show ready" with a brand new baby? and most likely, my mother won't be coming either. Even though she was scheduled to be home next Monday, there is a fun little twist to that expectation also. She called me Sunday to let me know that because of a tropical storm, the ship that she's serving on (she is an RN and has gone to Haiti to volunteer on a hospital ship) will be out to sea until at least Wednesday. The storm has now escalated from a "tropical storm" to the first hurricane of the season. Hurricane Irene. She has no idea what's going to happen and they've asked if she could possibly stay longer, because she will be needed and then, of course, she'll have spent most of her time there sitting on a ship out in the ocean instead of giving medical care. - Which was her whole point in going. And I hate for her to come home to help me and then I don't even end up having the baby until later anyway.

I know she's going to call me in the next couple of days to see what I think she should do. I don't have the slightest idea what to tell her.

{sigh}

Tomorrow is mine and Nels's anniversary. Nine years. Almost a decade. I'm so lucky. He's my best friend. I love him with everything that I am. He is so good to me. Over the past couple of weeks, he's really held everything together here at home. Last night I sat and watched him thoroughly wiping off the stove and cleaning up after dinner, SO overwhelmed with gratitude and with absolutely no desire to help. I am blessed. And this anniversary is going to be pretty uneventful. Poor Nels.

Maybe if I schedule things a year in advance, I could convince my mom to come watch the kids and let us have a "real" vacation next year.

Regardless of all that I've complained about this last month or so, I'm so very grateful. The girls have really been wonderful the last little while. They've helped out a ton and have played together so well. I'm so thankful for my little women! Violet - as with any one year old - is an incredible handful and has started getting spats on the bum lately for doing things like playing in the toilet, climbing up onto the stove, and amazingly figuring out how to scale the bunk beds (WITH NO LADDER!) up to the top bunk - in the dark - to pester Elsie at bedtime. But she is also an enormous source of joy for everyone in our family as well. She is incredibly sweet, absolutely idolizes her sisters, and has recently started copying everything. She is the first of my children to try to say everything that you ask her to. And her vocabulary is exploding. Yesterday at the grocery store, she was holding the string cheese in the front of the cart. As we were almost finished up, she held the package up to her face and said, "I love you, Cheese." LOL! Cheese is her favorite food, if you can't tell. :)

For all that's uncertain right now, as long as I can get past the anxiety for our future, I realize that we are incredibly blessed. I get so caught up in the HOW that I forget everything else. I have a husband that I love deeply and that loves and supports me. Nine years ago today, there was nothing in the world that I wanted more than to be HIS. And today I still feel the same way. We have four beautiful daughters that are so very good and love each other so much. I will soon have the opportunity to give birth to another amazing little child that the Lord is sending to be a part of our family. She will change our lives forever and I'm so excited. Nels has a job. Nels is happily looking forward to his new job. We get to move to a new town, a new environment. I really am excited for all the new experiences that we will have there! We have a wonderful home that WILL sell. I just don't know when. But when it does, we get to move into a new house that we get to start all over again making into our home. And I'm really excited for that. All the new paint and new rooms and new . . . everything to make OURS. It's going to be fun.

For the last couple of years, I've really reveled in the "sameness" that we've had in our lives - the predictability. But sometimes I've longed for change. I just hadn't expected all the change to happen at the same time! New job. New baby. New town. New home. New schools. New friends. New experiences.

I'm excited and I'm thankful.

But please bear with me when I can't help but feel a little scared at the same time. :)