Naught

As I read over the past few posts I've had here --- well, for weeks and weeks --- I can't help but notice how boring and whiney I am. Ick. I hate that.

Oh well. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit. This is just me right now. Preoccupied and annoying.

Thankfully, I still have so many sweet friends that love me so much --- regardless. Many of you, through your loving words of encouragement, have been an enormous boost and so many who live close have been there to help me out and serve me in ways that I will never, NEVER be able to repay. I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am so blessed.

Wednesday, Nels and I celebrated our anniversary. My sweet friend, Hannah, fed our girls dinner and then brought them back home and put them all to sleep! We didn't do anything too fancy, but we went to dinner and a movie. It was really nice to have a night alone. Nels said, "This is like a Parents' Anniversary." :) Yep. Pretty low key.

However, during dinner and throughout the movie, I started having pretty regular contractions. They continued through the night - waking me up a couple of times. The next morning, they were still there and I had them all throughout the day. By evening, they were good and hard - - but a little irregular. We got the girls to bed and my friend, Stefanie, came over with her new little baby to be with our girls while Nels and I ran some errands and then went down to the river to walk for a while.

When I called my midwife at about 11:00 pm, contractions were good and regular - about 3 to 5 minutes apart - and lasting about 45 to 60 seconds a piece. She said to come on into the birth center. We were so excited!

We got there and set up - contractions still coming strong and regular. Not too intense, but we were worried that after about 30 hours of regular contractions, things may move pretty quick. However, after being there for a while, things started to actually slow down and by 3:00 in the morning, they were almost completely stopped. 32 hours of contractions - just to have them peter out.

I felt so bad to have gotten everybody there, just to have things stop.

With all of my other labors, the doctor or midwife has broken my water. At that point, things progress quickly and regularly. So I almost felt like my body didn't know what it was doing. Almost like it was waiting for somebody else to get things moving. So frustrating.

I finally lay down next to Nels and just slept until about 6:00 am, when we packed everything back up and went back home. My midwife assured me over and over again that this happens all the time and to not feel bad. But there was really no getting over that as I apologized to the three women who had spent the night at the birth center and as I came home to Stefanie, who had spent the whole night taking care of my kids - and also taking care of her own newborn baby - at my house.

And all for nothing.

As I've written several times over the past month or so, if there is anything that I hate more than waiting, it's being disappointed. Yesterday I got a healthy dose of both.

It would be a huge underestimation to say that I spent most of the day feeling a little depressed.

However, Nels stayed home from work and let me sleep much of the day away. (I was SO tired!)  Hannah called mid-morning asking if I would LET her take my girls with her and her two kids to the lake. I took myself out for a pedicure while Nels took a nap with Violet. And then Hannah called again telling us that she was bringing over dinner and asking if the girls could come over to her house for a sleepover. After she'd taken them to the lake all day!!!

Between Nels, Stefanie, and Hannah - I couldn't have felt more loved. I am truly blessed with such wonderful people in my life.

Last night, as I knelt in prayer and cried for a while, I was reminded that faith is a choice.

I've felt so frustrated at times over the past month. The house isn't sold. The baby isn't born. And I have NO control over either.

I was SO genuinely excited with the prospect of getting to hold this tiny little baby in my arms and bring her into our family -- but I would be remiss if I didn't admit that there is a small portion of me that was just excited to be able to focus on something other than the house. It felt so good.

To have it all come to naught was really crushing for me.

For the first time in my life I feel like I am coming to perhaps understand the passage in Mark where a father brings his possessed son to Jesus - asking him if he can help them at all.

23 Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are^apossible to him that ^bbelieveth.

 24 And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine ^aunbelief.

It's always felt like such a strange statement. "I believe; help thou mine unbelief." But over the past month, I've come to understand, in my own way, that there is a way to believe and to hope, but still have a hard time believing.

I believe that the Lord is aware of me and my family. I believe that he will help us. But sometimes I have a hard time believing that things will be the way that I hope. I want to have faith, and I do, but somehow there is still fear.

But last night, as I said, I was reminded that faith is a choice -- that I will make. I will choose to have faith. And I will ask the Lord to please help me with my unbelief. And today was a brighter day.