The last two years have been a struggle for me. I know I written that quite a few times now - and I think part of the reason that I haven't been able to put that to rest yet is that I haven't known exactly WHY.
I've always written pretty honestly on my blog, but even with my openness there are still parts of myself that I guard pretty fiercely and whose existence I don't always like to admit to, even with myself. It's been scary for me to explore these areas, but I've come to see that they are the answer to my question. I'm working on sharing some of the things that I've learned recently but in the meantime, some thoughts . . .
With all of our travels this last month, I've had a chance to step back from my day to day life and allow Father to speak to me. It has felt as though a long winter, followed by a blustery and wet spring, is finally, gracefully moving into a warm and gentle summer. A summer filled with delicate breezes, life-giving sunshine, and a bounteous garden.
Sunday I had a chance to attend our old ward in Idaho Falls. I sat among sisters who've influenced my life in ways that I would never have realized at the time. Women who took a very young mother under their wings and gave me a place to grow and to experience and to learn. It felt like home. Still.
An analogy has been playing though my mind lately and as I tearfully listened to "As Sisters in Zion", it finally, fully and forcefully, took shape.
While visiting my parents last month, a busy Spring had left my mom with quite a lot of gardening to complete. Bountiful is aptly named and in their rich soil quite a lot of things had grown vigorously and beyond their bounds. One morning I looked out the kitchen window and remarked at how beautiful it looked after she'd spent the last few hours pruning.
"Yes, it does! There were some plants in there that were growing so happy, but they just look so much better when they're growing like they're supposed to."
My mind immediately went to this:
I feel as though the past two years have been filled with pruning. When contemplating our move to Sandpoint two years ago, I imagined the future and myself to be different than they are today. At times I have felt a mourning cry from within. "How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth and now you've cut me down." --- Melodramatic, I know, but still true.
I have mourned for that feeling of home and stability. I have mourned for the relationship that I once had with the Lord. I have mourned for the vision that I had of me.
As I've thought about my mom's drastic pruning, a thought struck me. Had the plant not been allowed the time grow with little restraint, it would never have survived the shaping. It's roots would not have been strong enough, deeply rooted enough to live and continue it's growth.
That's what our time in Idaho Falls has come to be to me. A time and a place where my roots, which had been sweetly planted in the rich soil of gospel truth by loving parents, could grow deep and strong. Firm enough to carry me through pruning and future storms which are sure to come.
I am coming to see that "home" comes from within and stability comes from faith. I am developing a relationship with my Heavenly Father that is more personal and coming to understand what faith really is. And I'm starting to truly feel the love that Christ has for ME. Not because I am good, but because I am His - and I am good because I am His.
I'm so thankful for a Gardener who knows what He wants me to be and loves me enough to let me feel pain. Who loves me even when I am angry and afraid. Who calls to me and will gently teach me the Whys.
4 comments:
oh, so so beautiful.
i had goose bumps and tears in my eyes--i too have felt this pruning process. it can be scary and lonely and confusing. but you are so right, He is still there, always taking care and forming us to BECOME. it's whether we can face the fear and and confusion in our hardest times with the hope of good things to come.
and they always do, don't they? as long as we're willing to see them, and love ourselves through them.
love you rachel, you incredible little human! so grateful you are my friend.
Beautifully written lady! I am so happy to hear you are feeling peace during this tumultuous time--you are my hero.
You write so beautifully! You are awesome and so very strong. Thank you for sharing this!
perfectly spoken. I am so grateful for the chance i had to see you and to share with you part of my life. i miss you. i love that i can come on here and feel connected to you. what perfect words you wrote for what you've been going through, and that can relate to so many of my own and others' struggles. i really do love you rachel. you're a true friend.
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