Perspective

This post was written while coming off four nights with only about 12 hours of sleep. Forgive the "emo" but even though it may be jibberish, there are some things here that have been profound for me that I don't want to forget. I feel like I've found my tipping point.

It's 6:45 in the morning...and I'm sitting on a plane watching the Arizona landscape slide beneath me.

I've always been massively interested in maps. I love looking at them and following my progress across the beautiful countryside. I love the mile markers. I love the hills, the mountains, the valleys. I love the freeways and highways and country roads that at times snuggle up close and cozy and other times cut deeply across the terrain.

I've always loved flying. Since having children, flying has been accompanied with a great deal of anxiety, particularly upon take off and landing. I live for more than myself and that makes me nervous (read - terrified). However, even as I pray to see the faces of Nels and my girls again, I am completely enthralled with studying the world 35,000 feet below.

This weekend has been quite the trip. Spending three days with two of the most introspective women I know. Two women that I admire and connect with so much that they are some of the select few people that I actually care what they think of me. And that opens me up to some incredible vulnerability that I generally go to great lengths to avoid.

It was wonderful.

Not only did I get to gab the weekend away with Clancy and Lynsey, but I also got to spend the time with Lynsey's husband, Ben. Ben is: A) a dear friend, B) Nels's college roommate and bosom buddy, and C) soon to be Dr. Strader (currently in the final stretch of completing his doctorate in psychology).

I expected the weekend to be spent with lots of feelings, fun, and late nights. And it was. But I didn't really expect to be leaving Arizona feeling like I was in emotional shock. I've made some discoveries.

I live my life making maps out of what's inside. - Figuring out how to get from where I am to where I want to be. I have a plan and I navigate my way carefully, with great tenacity. And it works, for the most part. However, there are some paths that I take on (whether by choice or chance) that are difficult. I know that there is a stunning vista at the end of the trail, but I get to places that are frightening or that physically can't be traversed alone. Sometimes I try to go around the obstacles and the scary places, I try to muscle my way through the brambles or climb my way out of the canyons, but I simply don't have the right tools.

Sometimes I come to strong, wide rivers that I have to cross. I wade in, bull-headed and fighting the current. I will NOT LOSE. I end up holding onto a rock in the middle of the river, unable to go any further. It's too deep, too strong. At times I just climb up on top of the rock, sunbathing and happy, shutting out the turmoil. Other times I hop back in, determined to make it this time. I NEED TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE. Only to be swept just a few meters down to another rock where I claw myself out of the strong current and onto the next haven where I repeat the process.

Little do I realize that often the river never needed to be crossed, it just needed to riden. There was an easier and safer path at the end. Not as direct a route, but happier. And sometimes I don't realize that instead of trying to shove my through a tangled path or up a perilous climb, all I need to do is look to either side of me to find others who have been here before ready and willing help. They have the right tools and they know the way.

I'm trying to figure out why that's so hard for me to grasp.

Also, trying to get some new maps . . . or maybe just getting better at following the markers along the trail . . .

Under Pressure

Okay.

Here's the deal.

Wait! First you have to start that song at the top. It's awesome. You'll love it. It makes my post lighter and at the same time more dramatic. It's awesome! Do it for me. For funsies. ;)

I have started the same, or a variation of the same, blog post about 6 times now.

I sat down at the computer over an hour ago to try yet again. This time with the intent of it being short and sweet. (Because yesterday I tried for profound and well-thought-out and gave up at about 45 minutes - 3 paragraphs in.) Just a snippet, but enough to satisfy what I wanted to say. For kicks, I decided to just put an "*" every time I was interrupted while writing. I got about 5 incredibly disjointed paragraphs done before one of the kids was crying and bleeding and more than anything needing a shoulder and some loving words for her little sad heart.

Not something fixed quickly.

Twenty minutes, cat's claws clipped, and the reassurance that "no, the kitty doesn't hate you" later . . . I came back.

A tally and a word count: 380 words, 10 *'s. In 45 minutes!!!

I couldn't even fathom finishing (let alone liking what I'd written), because at this point I'm completely derailed.

I want to write. I love to write. I need to write.

But guess what?

This is the best I got. That's all folks!

My stimulus meter has reached the red zone.

I find that I am able to let off pressure by rolling with the chaos, working, and then finding something else to focus on. But I feel that any time I open up my brain to actually extract anything two things happen

A) mental overflow starts spilling out and I am unable to coherently filter through it all and

B) it opens the door wide enough for all the external stimuli to rush in and start crashing all around.

It's a mess, I tell you!

Even now, in an effort to subdue a little of the distraction, I turned on a movie for the girls on the laptop. I am an expert at tuning out Little Einsteins, My Little Pony, Blue's Clues, and just about any Disney movie. But instead of just watching it all regular-like, my kids have recently learned how - with the push of one button - to increase the playback speed on the DVD so that suddenly it's playing at triple-chipmunk-speed and my tune-out threshold is blown through the roof.

So I've made a decision.

I'm not going to stop trying, but I am going to give you an explanation and a warning.

1.   If you read through a post and it feels really boring and disconnected, give me props for being able to form sentences. It's harder than it seems.

2.   If everything feels overly emotional, I probably wrote it at about 11:00 or later. Our lives are actually very happy. Sometimes it just overflows . . . it's not what I really meant to write, but it's probably late and I can't think of any other way to say it. Everything is more dramatic at nighttime. I tell ya, the old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be!

3.    If I publish a post that ends mid-paragraph or mid-thought, makes little sense, sounds overly judgmental, and a little depressed, IT'S BECAUSE I GAVE UP. Read between the lines and guess that I'd probably been working on it for the past 2 hours and finally just threw in the towel. I didn't want to have absolutely nothing to show for the time I'd spent --- so I settled for half of a nothing.

Now, a caveat.

I LOVE MY LIFE.

I LOVE MY KIDS.

I WOULDN'T CHANGE IT FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.

And all too soon, it will change. The demands on my time will change. And I'll be more than a little sad about that.

Who knows if I'll ever have more time, but I'm hoping that one day my brain will again find the capacity to form whole thoughts that are sturdy enough to make the long journey from my head to my fingertips without jumping ship.

I dream that one day I'll be able to open up my brain and not have it feel like the closet of a hoarder.

Until then, just bear with me, huh?

Our Kids Love Santa Claus?

Before I forget . . .

Around the middle of November, I started asking the girls what they wanted for Christmas. I was determined that there would be no last-minute scrambling this year and I wanted it out of the way so that I could just enjoy the season with my family.

I had come across the coolest dragon and showed it to Lilie, sure that she would LOVE it.

(Since we don't have cable or satellite, my children pretty much never watch commercials. And wouldn't you know it? Without the barrage of advertising, compiling their Christmas lists was a pretty open-ended affair.)


This is the conversation that we had as she gazed happily at the dragon figurine:


What do you think, Lilie? Is that something that you might like for Christmas?

MMmmmmmm . . . {sigh} . . . . . yeah. :)

Great! Maybe you could ask Santa Claus.

{worried and skeptical look} Um. I don't know.

What do you mean? I thought you just said that you liked it. Is there something else that you want more?

{still with the screwy face} No. I really like it! I just don't know if I want to ask Santa.

Why? You don't have to like it, just because I showed it to you . . .

Well. Why don't YOU just get it for me?

What? Why not Santa? Is there something else you want?

No. It's just . . . well . . . I really like it . . . and . . . sometimes Santa doesn't bring me what I want. Like one year I asked for a Wall-E computer and he just brought me a dinosaur instead . . . 

{{me stifling a HUGE laugh}}

. . . So. I just think you should get it for me instead and I'll just ask Santa for something that I don't really care about very much.


Hahahahahahahaaaaa!


In light of our children's supreme confidence in the Man in Red, I also present to you Nels's most recent bestest creation. :)

Violet's Dr. Seuss Head

This afternoon Violet was in quite the mood.

The day was winding down and she was winding up! (We're really hoping that her glasses are coming in tomorrow!) She was starting to holler and carry on about various different things and finally settled on wanting her hair done. :)

Fabulous! Something that is actually possible!

So we headed into the bathroom where I brushed and then proceeded to begin pulling her hair into a ponytail.


No, Mommy. Higher!

Okay.

No. Mommy. HIGHer!

Like this?

No! Higher!

Where??

Right HERE! Pointing to her forehead.

Here? I ask, gathering up her bangs into a funny little ponytail.

NO! I DON'T WANT BABY HAIR!!!

Okay, okay! Where do you want it?

Like this! Holding her hands together high above her head.

Uh . . . all right . . . gathering her hair into a high ponytail.

NO! I want it like THIS! Again stretching her little hands high, high above her head.

*chuckling* Alrighty, Vi! Let's see what we can do here . . .


Apparently my Vi had a very specific idea of what she wanted her hair to look like and was very pleased with the end result.

BEHOLD! I give you the Truffula Hair!!!

Her frowny face that she gave me when I asked her to stop "painting" her hair all over so that I could take her picture. :)

And her adorable sister.

I love my girls so much! They keep me laughing ever single day.

Resolve and Resignation and Rambling

Over the past couple of weeks, I've spent a lot of time thinking about the changes that have come to our family in the past year and a half. It's been a year on the move, that's for sure. A year of lots of emotion. A year with a lot of gains and a lot of . . . losses. (for lack of a better word)

In many ways the hardest year of my life. In others, the sweetest.

I wish I could eloquently wrap up, in words, my feelings - with a pretty little bow . . . 

I'm just . . . very grateful. And have found a lot of peace with our lives again. The house that we are in right now, feels like home to me ---- and maybe it's not the house. Maybe it's just me.

I've found some peace in my own skin again. All of the changes plus hormones a year ago really left me reeling. I still miss those things that we left behind, but I've been able to find a new Me here. I'm different. But still me. A different part of me.

This year, I've been able to finally submit to a lot of the repetition in my life. :) I've found quite a lot of fulfillment in keeping up with (not perfectly, but pretty good) laundry and dishes and sweeping the floor and making beds. I've been able to (not master, but) at least begin to learn how to plan a menu and stick with it - how to make bread on a regular basis. 

I've been able to learn a little of the art of resigning myself to not being able to do everything perfectly -- without giving up entirely.

Those are big steps forward for me!

With those things I recognize that there is much that I've put on the shelf, for the time being, as well. Things like gardening . . . {Oh. Thinking about that kind of hurts my heart.} Things like blogging regularly and really documenting what's going on in our lives. Things like canning. Things like travelling to visit family and spending much time with friends. 

All things that I truly long for. All things that are good. All things that I try not to think about too much.

But I am only one person and I have five very small children. We don't own our own home. I don't know if I planted anything if I would even be here to reap the harvest of my hard work.

My mom always tells me that for everything in life, there is a sacrifice of something else. I've also learned that time changes everything. In the not too distant future, my life will look and demand differently than it does today.

I don't know what this coming year will bring, but this season has been one of resignation and submission. Also of great fulfillment.

We've spent more time together as a family than we have in YEARS. Probably several years combined. :) I think as a family, we have been able to truly see glimpses of what is most important - what we are really working toward. It's been priceless.

I despise the idea of New Year's Resolutions. I seem to find myself under some false sense of pressure and therefore feel some inevitability of "falling off the bandwagon" or something like that. It's so weird that I can't really explain it. But it has something to do with integrity and real change vs. a temporary goal to fill up space in your Franklin Planner. 

Besides, most of the things that I would have on my "list" are the same ones, year after year.

Which makes me feel like I didn't make any progress.

Not surprisingly, I don't like that.

It feels hopeless.

I want an attitude and habit makeover --- and there are a lot more things involved in that than a couple of measly "goals". 

I want to pray more regularly and more meaningfully. I want to get up early every morning, start a load of laundry, study the scriptures, plan my day, and exercise all before the girls need to wake up at 6:30. (right.......) I want to reach out more to those around me. I want to budget better. I want to send out regular 'thank you' cards and tell people how much I appreciate them. I want to sew more. I want to read to my kids more. I want to finish all my half-baked projects. I want to blog more. I want to waste less time. 

BUT more than any one of those things, I want to feel happy. I want to feel peace in my own skin and in my own life.

That truly trumps all the rest.

And it's difficult for me to figure out how to reconcile failed desires and how to feel happy with ME.

So. That leads me to where I am today.

I generally try to have daily goals and I'd like to think that the Lord can help me decide what's most important for today. 

Some people may see that as a cop-out, but I'd like to think that even if I don't "set my sights high" that He's got me aimed in the right direction anyway.