Resolve and Resignation and Rambling

Over the past couple of weeks, I've spent a lot of time thinking about the changes that have come to our family in the past year and a half. It's been a year on the move, that's for sure. A year of lots of emotion. A year with a lot of gains and a lot of . . . losses. (for lack of a better word)

In many ways the hardest year of my life. In others, the sweetest.

I wish I could eloquently wrap up, in words, my feelings - with a pretty little bow . . . 

I'm just . . . very grateful. And have found a lot of peace with our lives again. The house that we are in right now, feels like home to me ---- and maybe it's not the house. Maybe it's just me.

I've found some peace in my own skin again. All of the changes plus hormones a year ago really left me reeling. I still miss those things that we left behind, but I've been able to find a new Me here. I'm different. But still me. A different part of me.

This year, I've been able to finally submit to a lot of the repetition in my life. :) I've found quite a lot of fulfillment in keeping up with (not perfectly, but pretty good) laundry and dishes and sweeping the floor and making beds. I've been able to (not master, but) at least begin to learn how to plan a menu and stick with it - how to make bread on a regular basis. 

I've been able to learn a little of the art of resigning myself to not being able to do everything perfectly -- without giving up entirely.

Those are big steps forward for me!

With those things I recognize that there is much that I've put on the shelf, for the time being, as well. Things like gardening . . . {Oh. Thinking about that kind of hurts my heart.} Things like blogging regularly and really documenting what's going on in our lives. Things like canning. Things like travelling to visit family and spending much time with friends. 

All things that I truly long for. All things that are good. All things that I try not to think about too much.

But I am only one person and I have five very small children. We don't own our own home. I don't know if I planted anything if I would even be here to reap the harvest of my hard work.

My mom always tells me that for everything in life, there is a sacrifice of something else. I've also learned that time changes everything. In the not too distant future, my life will look and demand differently than it does today.

I don't know what this coming year will bring, but this season has been one of resignation and submission. Also of great fulfillment.

We've spent more time together as a family than we have in YEARS. Probably several years combined. :) I think as a family, we have been able to truly see glimpses of what is most important - what we are really working toward. It's been priceless.

I despise the idea of New Year's Resolutions. I seem to find myself under some false sense of pressure and therefore feel some inevitability of "falling off the bandwagon" or something like that. It's so weird that I can't really explain it. But it has something to do with integrity and real change vs. a temporary goal to fill up space in your Franklin Planner. 

Besides, most of the things that I would have on my "list" are the same ones, year after year.

Which makes me feel like I didn't make any progress.

Not surprisingly, I don't like that.

It feels hopeless.

I want an attitude and habit makeover --- and there are a lot more things involved in that than a couple of measly "goals". 

I want to pray more regularly and more meaningfully. I want to get up early every morning, start a load of laundry, study the scriptures, plan my day, and exercise all before the girls need to wake up at 6:30. (right.......) I want to reach out more to those around me. I want to budget better. I want to send out regular 'thank you' cards and tell people how much I appreciate them. I want to sew more. I want to read to my kids more. I want to finish all my half-baked projects. I want to blog more. I want to waste less time. 

BUT more than any one of those things, I want to feel happy. I want to feel peace in my own skin and in my own life.

That truly trumps all the rest.

And it's difficult for me to figure out how to reconcile failed desires and how to feel happy with ME.

So. That leads me to where I am today.

I generally try to have daily goals and I'd like to think that the Lord can help me decide what's most important for today. 

Some people may see that as a cop-out, but I'd like to think that even if I don't "set my sights high" that He's got me aimed in the right direction anyway.