Rollercoaster

At the end of July I wrote:

June was over before I could even catch my breath. July feels like it was a blur of stress and tiredness, interspersed with a few select moments of perfection. I have a feeling that August is going to feel like a tornado.

Well. If August was a tornado, September is shaping up to be a rollercoaster. The "exciting" kind that has that long, long, long build up . . . up, up, up forever {it seems} and then all of a sudden, you're hanging on the pinnacle - momentarily hanging downward - before WHOOSH! And you're off! Upside-down, around sharp curves. You keep telling yourself that you're having fun, but the truth is, you're TERRIFIED! After you finally get off, you look around at those you rode with and think, "That was fun? Right!? Yeah, yeah. That was FUN!"

I think right now, I'm "supposed" to be having fun.

I'm on that slow build up.

I'm thinking, "I waited a long time for this. I'm excited?" and "What the heck was I THINKING?!"

The drop is coming. I can see it just up ahead and really? I'm just plain scared.

I'm so glad that Nels can still feel the excitement, because all I can think about is plunging to my death.

The plan has been to send Nels up to Sandpoint on his own. Rent a tiny studio apartment for a month or two until the house sells and then we'll all move up into a home together.

Last week {four days after having a baby} Nels and I drove up to Sandpoint with Clara to take a look at houses and find something suitable for him to live in temporarily. After all, I wasn't really planning on going back up there before we were ready to go ahead and buy a house, so it'd be best if we had a chance to look at our options. It was a good trip. Very informative. And really good to again see the place that is going to be our home - since I'd only been there once before.

As we drove home Thursday evening, I cried most of the 500 miles. I would look at Nels and suddenly tears would be streaming down my face. And I realized the truth. No matter how much I have learned to do without Nels around the past four+ years, I am not as independent as I think I am. I need him a lot more than I've admitted. I can do things on my own. I can run our home. I can take care of our children. I can cook dinner and keep up on laundry and clean -- even if he's not going to be around to see it.

But it's always with an end in mind. There's always a deadline. It's always temporary. And I usually at least get to see him on occasion --- even if it's just for lunch.

But for him to be 7 or more hours away? Hundreds of $$$ in gas?

He would miss the first months of our new baby's life. He would miss Clara as a newborn altogether. He would miss Hazel's 8th birthday. He would miss Elsie's 4th birthday. I would be adjusting to 5 children --- all on my own. While he sat bored every night, with nothing to do but watch TV or edit videos, I would be running ragged with five little children to care for and a house to keep in order for the potential last-minute "can we come look at your house?"

And beyond any of that - any of the work - Nels is my best friend. Every time I would think of him leaving us, my heart felt like it was literally breaking. He's been busy at times. He's been gone for work at times. He's worked endless days that I don't see him. But we've never REALLY been apart. When he's gone, I feel like I'm just holding my breath until he comes back home to me.

And all of that would continue - not for two weeks, not for six weeks. Until the elusive "house sells." Indeterminate and {what feels} insurmountable.

Limbo.

So Thursday morning I made a decision.

We're going. We're going to pack up our beds, our clothes, our essentials - and we're going to leave. When I called and told Nels, I thought he might jump through the phone and kiss me - he was so happy.

We'll find a tiny apartment. Something that we can afford to pay in rent, while also carrying our mortgage. We'll all smash together.

Together. Together. Together.

We'll leave our beautiful home. And continue wearying the Lord with my constant plea that it will sell.

We'll leave our friends. Our family. Our lives as we know them. With a lot of tears and apprehension.

One week. Hardly long enough to remember everything -- and surely not long enough to even say goodbye to all those we love -- before we close up this chapter of our lives. The only life that two of our children have ever known and surely the only one that other two really remember. Before most of those we love will even have a chance to meet our new baby. The first place that was really HOME. Our home.

And we'll abandon it.

Not to move on to a new home, but just to move on. To a temporary place. Mostly without our things. Without our comforts. They'll stay here and we'll lock up the door and leave a key box for realtors and we'll just leave.

And if you can't tell, I'm really struggling with that concept. I feel like we're abandoning our lives.

And I'm terrified.

But.

We'll be together.

And as much anxiety as I have about leaving our home, I can't even fathom being apart from one another.

So right now, I don't know what the future holds. I'm not really making plans. I'm just doing what comes next.

I'm choosing to believe that "the Lord's hand is ever over me" and that HE has a plan. I don't know what it is -- and I'm sure going to put in some requests -- but I'm trying to learn how to put my fears and my future and my faith in HIS capable hands and enjoy the ride.

And praying that when this is all over, {instead of being smashed and dead at the bottom of the coming "drop"} we'll ride it out and eventually get off this crazy rollercoaster, take a huge breath for the first time in probably too long, and look around at each other saying, "That was . . . FUN. Right?!"