I'm nuts.
I think that could probably be the entire post, but I'll elaborate.
I spent all day Monday finagling different options for travel to Phoenix the following day. Willing, but wanting to avoid, having to drive my car the entire way. After a day filled with different options, I was back where I started and still willing to drive.
Nels came home from a rough day at work. Due to my piddling, my list was not yet completed. The girls were cranky. Nels was going to have to work late the next night.
I felt uneasy. Not in the "if I go, we're all going to die" kind of way, but just not at peace. I also felt guilty. Guilty for leaving Nels during a stressful week, with lists of what needed to be maintained and where Hazel was supposed to be. Guilty for yanking Hazel all over for the entire week - on only her second week of school. Guilty, knowing that we'd have a hectic schedule for the next week, which would be hard on the two coming with me. Guilty for spending all the money. Guilty knowing that it would again take another week to pull myself out of the post-vacation coma.
Nels told me to stop worrying and just go and have fun. But as I sat folding the 73rd load of laundry for the day, I just felt stressed.
And as I imagined staying home and just enjoying all the hard work that I'd put in over the past week --- the clean house, the vegetables from my garden, actually being able to SEE my laundry baskets (let alone the BOTTOM! of them) --- I felt better.
And I don't feel bad or disappointed. I'd love to be together with all of my family tomorrow in the temple and enjoy the beautiful outdoor reception and playing late night games with cousins (Jesse, if you read this, I STILL want you to know I'm sorry :) and swimming in the warm pool with my girls.
But you know, as much fun as it would be for ME, my place is here. And that makes me happy. I'm needed. It makes me so happy to realize that I LOVE being needed. I love my place. I love my life. There will be other parties. There will be other times for vacations. There will be other times for a "break". Right now, I'm needed here.
I love the monotony of every day. The predictability. First off, there's ALWAYS something unpredictable, but I just love knowing my job and doing it well. -- Or at least TRYING to do it well. Learning. I'm so glad I stayed home.
4 comments:
Congrats on a tough decision! From a fellow I-can't-miss-a-party girl, I know how hard this must have been to decide for you. And, I also know the peace that comes when you make the right decision for YOU. And it's amazing because when that happens, suddenly it's ok to be missing the party.
I love you!
Good job!
I stayed home also. I guess I probably could of drove with my parents. But that didn't sound that much fun with two girls who HATE driving in the car. Congrats on the baby. I am just finding out. I have been so busy that I have not checked blogs. So Genny was doing my hair the other day and told me. Congrats. I am so excited. Do you know what you are having? Probably a girl huh? Or if you already know I should just read the blog and it is probably here. i love you Rach. you are an amazing mom.
I always read your blogs Rachel...sooner or later. I actually had to think for a bit about what you were sorry for...that means you're forgiven (memories like mine are great for forgiving people), but thanks for bringing up the pain, haha. Definitely good times. I Love you and your family. Tell them all I say hi.
Oh, and congratulations!
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