I'm insecure about a lot of things - there are a lot of things that make me nervous. But usually I can fake it, ya know? Like I get really nervous meeting new people. It's really uncomfortable for me. However, I've learned to fake it. Like I'm the most confident person in the world. Like it doesn't phase me at all. I force myself to think rational thoughts, form coherent questions, smile, laugh, and talk. It's hard for me, but I can do it. There are lots of things in my life that are similar to this - things that I'm nervous about, weaknesses that I have.
But there are very few times in my life that I feel absolute FEAR. Things that can make my hands shake and my foot tap uncontrollably. Things that dramatically increase my blood pressure by initiating my fight or flight syndrome. Things that make me talk too loud and too much. (Funny enough as I read through this, if you leave out the fear part, caffeine - like those mega energy drinks - give me these EXACT same symptoms! That's weird.) So anyhow, today, I felt fear.
Since we now have insurance for the first time in 6 1/2 years of marriage, I've decided to get some of my "derma-logical blemishes" (otherwise known as moles) removed. I was so very graciously given these by my father - who inherited them from his mother - who died of melanoma at a tragically young age. Well, I was very brave a month ago when I went in and got two of them taken off. One on my back, one on my scalp. It was a very tramatic experience, but I survived. - Only to be told a week later, when the biopsy returned, that the doc hadn't removed all of the cells on one of them, and he would have to redo it with a larger incision. Lovely. So today was the day. It was terrible. It went well, but it was terrible. I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE CUTTING ON MY HEAD. I don't like feeling blood trickle through my hair. I don't like injecting lidocaine into my scalp. I don't like people having to cauterize blood vessels on my HEAD.
So yeah. I don't really have a point to this post, other than to let you know that other than delivering Elsie when the epidural had entirely worn off, this experience is in the running for second place on own personal fear scale. Today I was brave. Today I mustered up all my courage, shaking hands, babbling mouth, increased heartbeat and all. I was brave. And I recognized that I don't like fear.
5 comments:
I could not agree more I hate fear!!! I was also laughing at the faking it part...cause I do that a lot and people think I am all sorts of confident...so it must work!!
Ya. Fear sucks. To bad we're mortal and stuff and get to wrestle with it here and there all the time, huh? :(
Way to go, chicky! (no pun intended on that "chicky" part...)
And I guess that we're not the same in EVERY way cuz I LOVE meeting new people! There. There's the one difference between us. (chuckles warmly)
I meant to say- "too bad..."
That would be really hard to face but you are totally awesome and I love your posts! They often make me smile and nod my head in understanding!
Awesome! Awesome post and awesome you!!! I am glad you faced your fear! And you did it AGAIN. Good job. BTW no one would ever know you don't like meeting new people! Once again you're awesome =).
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