That Loving Feeling

We are no longer home owners. We signed the closing documents this morning.

My feelings are so conflicted on the subject, but overall, I'm am very relieved. Thank you to each and every one of you who have kept us in your thoughts and prayers over the past seven months. What a whirlwind it's all been. Thank you. Thank you.

Another chapter of our lives is now closed and the door swings wide open on this new one.

Eight months ago, Nels was working all night, yet again. He'd been working non-stop since the beginning of the month - getting ready for Melaleuca's Convention. He was stressed to the max. I was less than two months from having our fifth baby girl. I can remember standing in the laundry room tackling "Mt. Washmore" at half-past-way-too-late-at-night and suddenly just losing it. The years of late nights and stress caught up with me and I fell to my knees and told the Lord that I would do anything for Nels to be able to have a different job and be a part of our family again.

Three weeks later he was offered a job at Coldwater Creek.

This last weekend, we packed up our kids for a VERY quick and somewhat spontaneous trip to Idaho Falls to pack up the rest of our house and say goodbye, one last time.

Nels got off work Friday afternoon, we packed and waited for the girls to get home from school, threw everyone in the van, made it to Idaho Falls by about 2:30 in the morning. Bright and early Saturday, we hopped out of our beds on the floor and started organizing, packing, and emptying out my 55 gallon fish tank. A few friends stopped by to visit and help (Hannah Graf (+kids), Brian Carter (+new girlfriend), Ken Dudley, Mark Blethen). All too soon, the movers showed up and the real chaos began. Nels took the girls to Mark's house and I watched as our lives were slowly and efficiently packed away into box after box after box . . .

The movers left that evening with the promise of returning early the next morning to finish. As they were packing up for the night, our dear friends (the Joneses) stopped by to say hi and goodbye, before we rushed them out the door to go to dinner with some good friends from Melaleuca.

As we tucked our tired children into their floor beds for one last night in our home, I was completely overcome with emotion. Nels and I spent the next couple of hours reliving our lives in that home, laughing and crying. The children that have joined our family, happiness, injuries :), stress, loneliness, learning, jumping on the trampoline and swinging in the hammock, countless hours spent digging and planting in the yard and painting and loving every single wall. All the friendships that we've made, the people we've loved, and all the love that has been poured out upon us there. All. the. BLESSINGS.

So many blessings.

The next morning, the movers showed up at dawn, the girls and I took one last opportunity to say goodbye to some friends while Nels and Clara took one last nap in the dark basement, and then before I knew it, the huge semi was pulling away.

We quickly got dressed for church, stopped in to some neighbors' to say goodbye, and walked in (late! of course) to Sacrament Meeting one last time with those people who have been almost like family to us over the past five years. It was a sweet meeting.

I opened the hymnal to the closing hymn, took one look at the title, closed the book, and just let the tears roll. "Because I Have Been Given Much" I looked over to Nels and he, too, was teary. Because truly, we have been given so much. And even though we've not seen most of those people for half a year, they were still giving to us. We were greeted warmly and lovingly and couldn't get away without Sister Beverly Reed "gently insisting" :) upon "just running home real quick" and making us a full meal before we set out for home. :)

While Beverly was serving away in her kitchen for us, we took one last chance to say goodbye to our neighbor Bob Hart - who has been in the hospital for the last several weeks. I will never, never, never think of our lives in Idaho Falls without Bob being a large, shining part of it. Up until the last year or so when his health has given him some grief, there was hardly a single day that I was not greeted with Bob's warm smile and crazy stories. :) He and Ramona have been the best neighbors we ever could have asked for.

Beverly made an entire meal, fed us, and still made it back in time to conduct the closing song in Relief Society. :) She is both a miracle worker and an angel.

Back home we changed our clothes, packed up the van, dug up and potted a few of my friends that I just loved too much to leave behind, and called our children to pray one last time in our empty home. It was all kicks and giggles (literally) until then. (see below)

It started with Hazel, then me, then Nels (sort of {wink, wink}), and by the time the prayer was over Lilie and Elsie were just wailing too. We had a little cry fest while Violet went around hugging everyone and telling them that she was sorry :), then Nels packed his sobbing girls into the van while I said goodbye to my home.

"Smile!" Face

Real Face.

 Six months. To the day. Since we packed up and left in September.

As we pulled away, I couldn't help but think of my prayer eight months earlier. How the Lord has answered me and opened another path before us. The road behind us had been difficult in many ways, but so overwhelmingly good, too. We didn't have to move. It was the path we chose and it will be good  as well. I know it.

Saturday, I was talking to Lilie and asked her what she would miss most about living in Idaho Falls -- fully expecting an answer like, "my friends" or "my room", but

she hit the nail on the head and astounded me with her insight when, instead, she thought for a moment and then said,

"I'll miss the feeling here at this home." 

Roses are Re-e-e-e-ed and Violets are Bluey-Blue-Blue . . .

. . . my Lilie is se-e-e-e-ven. And I love my Lilie, I do!
(sing it to My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean)

Oh, that girl. I love her so much. She is a ray of "zooming fire" right through my life. I still like to call her my "Fire Baby" because that's what she is. Full of fire and spark and light.

At her last Parent Teacher Conference, Lilie's teacher (Mrs. Dash - who LOVES Lilie, probably more than any other child she's ever taught) told me that Lilie is full of spit and vinegar :) and always obeys and is always doing exactly what she's supposed to and just could not say enough good things about her creativity. She just gushed about how whenever she wants to show off to the other teachers in the district, she just brings Lilie's work and tells them that's what ALL of her students are doing. LOL. I love it. I think Mrs. Dash and Lilie are kindred spirits. :)

She is a joy to me. Every single day.

All day yesterday my mind was consumed with what a wonderful girl she is. Thinking of all that she's brought into my life. All that she's taught me.

And all day long, this song was on my mind. Making me smile and laugh out loud.



Isn't that the best song in the world? :) Sorry for the kookoo video, but we heard her singing from the kitchen and just had to see what she was doing. Singing out the window and marching around for all the world to know that she loves her parents. :) I. LOVE. LILIE. It's moments like that that let me know I'm not screwing up too badly. :)

Lilie's favorite color is now Fire Red.

Lilie is incredibly creative and perfectionistic. Same as she's been since she could pick up a crayon. She has recently been very interested in origami.

Lilie does not love cleaning her room and will weasel out of it by puttering around while Hazel does all the work, if I let her. However, if Lilie is told to clean the bedroom all by herself, it still takes forever - but not because she's not doing it, but because she is emptying out the closet and drawers - organizing - and folding each blanket and placing each stuffed animal with care. :) She's too much like her Mama.

Lilie loves to sing and dance, but she does NOT like to be the center of attention. She makes up songs constantly. She and Hazel are always singing in their bedroom.

Lilie loves rocks. She has quite an extensive rock collection and really enjoys pouring over a geologist's field guide that we got her for Christmas. She is pretty interested in everything. On a recent trip, she and I spent several hours talking about how things are made. Down to the molecular level. What was it that she wanted to know, initially . . . ? think. think. Oh! It had something to do with planets. We talked about shooting stars and why they burn up --- which led to a conversation about solids, liquids, and gases and molecules and friction. She was fascinated.

Lilie loves to have her back scratched. She's like a cat.

Lilie loves rainbows and lots of colors.

There are so many things about her that remind me of myself. In some ways this has been a curse - we butt heads frequently and hard - but most of the time, it's just funny.

Her birthday was very simple and lovely this year. I'm really not much into "friend parties." I'm no fun like that. I just really don't like that the party and the preparation are so much stress to me that they almost seem to overshadow my child. It's hard for me to focus on them, because I'm stressed about decorations and invitations and snacks and party favors and games . . . I just really don't like it. I don't like that the thought of their birthday brings on an anxiety attack. That being said, I'm determined that for their next birthdays I really would like to do it for them (on a very simple scale), but friend parties will definitely be the exception at our house and not the rule. (Sorry kids! You got sent to a boring Mom!)

For her birthday this year, we (along with a donation from Grandma Moon) bought Lilie a bird. A parakeet. Actually two. :) We all love them. A lot. My family had parakeets when I was a kid and I've always had a real soft spot for them. They are beautiful and are sure to have a grand time in our very loud house. :) They've been dubbed Beaker and Burnsie.

{{When I get the pictures uploaded from Nels's camera, I'll post them. We're still getting things set up and today is the first day that I've actually got an internet connection. I also need to write about Vio-lettey's birthday and Elsie's broken arm, but I just don't want to keep delaying posting until pictures are ready. That's what the past year has been and as a result, there is ever so much that has yet to be recorded. Therefore, I'm going to write what I want to and fill in with visuals later, if I must.}}

Happy Birthday, Fire Baby! I love you. Thank you for a beautiful seven years together!

Day 9 - someones I love - "a glimpse of heaven"

My heart is so full.

Tonight I feel like I've caught a glimpse of heaven.

My life is perfect.

As I watched my little family tonight eating birthday cake, playing together, laughing together -- it occurred to be SO POWERFULLY that my life will never be better than it is today.

No amount of growing up or money or status or anything else will bring me more happiness than I have in my life right now.

Heaven is here and now. Just as it is right now.

And it can be tomorrow and the next day and the next. I don't need to wait for anything else. I am happy.

It's my Violet's birthday today. Tonight I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have a two year old in their life.

I'll record more about my V-V when I have an Internet connection, but I just wanted to remember my feelings tonight.

Humpty Dumpty

I feel like I say it over and over and over all day.

"Get down." "Don't climb on the couch." "We don't live in a jungle gym."

As I sat feeding Clara this afternoon, Elsie climbed up beside me, then perched herself behind me on the couch, then promptly fell off the back.

She started crying, but you know what? With five kookoo kids, crying just doesn't phase me too much anymore. She said her hand hurt and it wasn't like she was hysterical, so I told her to just come sit by me for a minute - sure that the drama would pass.

A minute or two later, she was still complaining, so I put Clara down and sat her on my lap to examine her hand. I couldn't find anything wrong with it. Another minute passed and she still hadn't forgotten about it, so I started looking for swelling and feeling her arm.

At that point I finally noticed a big dip in her arm where her solid bones should be and realized immediately that she'd broken it. Mother of the Year moment right there.

Nels came home and gave Elsie a Priesthood blessing before we headed to the ER.

That sweet girl. After getting to the hospital, I think she had everyone there fooled into thinking that her arm wasn't even broken - she was so chipper. However after X-rays, it was revealed that she'd actually broken both bones in her arm. Neither was really bad, but enough that they will need to set the bones before they cast it all up.

They put her in a splint and a cute little hospital gown and sent her home for the night with instructions to return tomorrow morning by 7:30. To set the bones, the surgeon said its MUCH less traumatic for children to just be sedated and then get it done quickly and correctly.

I'm kind of scared for her. I don't like my babies to be in pain.

Hopefully we'll be home by lunchtime to make Violet's birthday cake and celebrate.

I have a feeling that balloons, a happy little two-year-old, and Grandma Merkley's Angel Food Cake will make everyone feel better. :)

Photos out of order. Sorry. Phone blogging.

Day 8 - Bad Habit

Man. Bad habits?

I could make this a long one, but instead I'm going to share two of them that don't require me to move from my bed.

First. My nails. I bite them. I hate that I do, but in nearly thirty years, that still hasn't stopped me from doing it.

--- Except during my last two pregnancies. which gives me the excuse that maybe I just bite my nails because they are so thin and break so easily regularly. Whatev. I'm gonna take whatever excuse I can.

Normally I would post my ugly nails photo here, but since I'm blogging from my phone (and will be until our Internet gets connected next week), that is not an option.

Second bad habit I'm going to post is {***drumroll***} nursing Clara in my bed. Don't worry. No explicit photos. :)

We start out good each night, but when she wakes up, it's so easy to just lay her down in my warm bed with me to feed her. Then we both fall asleep and I sleep uncomfortably until the morning.

If I'd just stay awake and put her back in her bed when she's finished, we'd both sleep better, longer, and happier - but I usually don't.

Speaking of sleeping, I'd just like to say, it is now 11:45 AM and I have yet to emerge from my bed. Clara and I have been snoozing and bumming around the Internet while Nels kindly offered to go back over to the apartment this morning and finish up the rest of the packing and much of the cleaning.

He is going to Heaven for sure.