Hullabaloo

Being a mom is seriously hard.

I cannot do it all.

I recall the words of my sister a few years ago when asked why she doesn't update her blog, "I don't need one more thing to fail at." At the time, my cousin and I scoffed. What could she be talking about? She's an amazing mom to four perfect children. She's talented. She volunteers. She keeps an immaculate home and yard. She serves in the church. She is kind and graceful and beautiful. What is she talking about???

Yet here I am, five or so years down the road, and I finally understand.

How can I keep it all together? 

I read poems:

Song for a Fifth Child 

by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton 

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,

Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,

Hang out the washing and butter the bread,

Sew on a button and make up a bed.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?

She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue

(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

Dishes are waiting and bills are past due

(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).

The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew

And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo

But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.

Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?

(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,

For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.

I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

YES. This probably is a poem for the mom with five kids. She's learned that it's okay to leave the dishes. Let's go play in the backyard and make dandelion chains! I've got three loads of laundry to fold, but let's go to the beach instead. I should be wiping down the table so that I don't have dried spaghetti sauce stuck onto it tomorrow morning while we're rushing to eat breakfast, but instead I'm going to rock my sweet little one-year-old to sleep.

But you know what? Tomorrow comes.

Someone has to do the shopping. Someone has to fold the laundry. Someone has to make dinner. Someone should clean the month old spilled juice off the floor. (thank goodness the floors are dirty enough to cover it so it's no longer sticky, just unsightly) Someone is still thinking of the unhappy morning that was had - arguing with her oldest daughter ---- around and around and around in the never-ending attempts to bargain.

There are still appointments to keep, budgets to balance, bills to pay, nutritious meals to make.

If I don't wash the laundry, NO ONE HAS SOCKS OR CLEAN PANTS OR UNDIES OR SWIMMING SUITS TO WEAR TO THE BEACH.

And if I don't go shopping, there's nothing to EAT. Because we already ate all of our easy meals. Everyone's hungry and there aren't even saltines.

If I don't keep my appointments I let myself and others down and nobody gets their immunizations and then you're playing catchup before kindergarten registration.

And what about my daughter and the arguing? How do I change that? It's all my fault. I know. But then? You know what? It's NOT all my fault! How do I change a dynamic that has been since she started talking? How do I give her independence and confidence? How do I let her know that I love her more deeply than I ever thought possible, that she is beautiful and smart and so very good? that she brings me so much happiness every single day? How? When every conversation that we have seems to end with frustration and tears? HOW DO I EVEN THINK ABOUT IT WHEN I'VE GOT 16,000 OTHER THOUGHTS THAT I'M JUGGLING?

How do I kiss them all goodnight and tuck them in, when I've still got dishes to do so that I can make breakfast the next morning - so that I can actually just sit down and think of nothing before we start again? I kiss them, I sing, I tuck them in and then bedtime never ends. I need a drink. I need a hug - you didn't give me one. Yes I did. Please go to sleep, you've already been out of your room 13 times tonight. It's 9:30 and you were so tired this morning and crying about everything so PLEASE JUST GO TO SLEEP BECAUSE I WANT TO END THIS NIGHT WITH YOU HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Being a mom is really hard.

This time will pass, much to my sorrow. I love my kids and I love the stages that they are at. I love them so much and wish they could always stay little.

But being a mom is the hardest thing ever.

and I'm going to be late for Clara's 18 month appointment - that I forgot to schedule 3 months ago.



Post Edit:

I was late.

Not because I decided to put on makeup to cover up the zits (why do I have zits? I'm not 13! Oh. It's because I don't wash my face at night.), because I made up for that by not looking for clean jeans, but wearing the same ones I have for the past week.

And not because I was looking for a clean shirt for Clara, because I just let her wear the one that she wore to bed last night.

But because today I found that Clara has learned how to open the back door all by herself. And as I ran through our two acres - franticly looking in the shed and the woods - hysterically calling her name with visions of her crawling through the barbed-wire fence to go pet the horsies (which is what she was doing three days ago when the sisters were supposed to be "watching" her), I realized that I'm

totally. losing. it.

I finally found her sitting very quietly on the recessed front step, sucking on rocks. and proceeded to cry a lot.

I also realized this while yelling through the phone at the dr's office receptionist when she said we had to cancel our stupid appointment. Because even though I sit for a minimum of 20 minutes in their lobby every time we have an appointment, apparently if I'm going to be 12 minutes late, that's their policy.

Then when we got back home and Clara was screaming for her binky and thrashing around because I won't give it to her unless she's taking a nap, I snapped. I cut the end off the bink, gave it to her, she screamed and threw a huge fit and I put her down for a nap . . . but had to hold the door closed for a while so she couldn't come out because, again, she can now open doors.

I'm losing my mind.