I am overcome with immense guilt.
I don't know how to deal with it. I can't sleep. I want to just stay awake and stroke her hair and watch over get to make sure that she's okay.
I should have brought her in Sunday night. As I went down the list of symptoms for appendicitis, I could check off every. single. one.
In the end I hesitated --- vacillating over a minor detail and not wanting to spend the extra money on an unwarranted ER visit.
I could put some blame on the misdiagnosis of the pediatrician we saw the next morning, but in the end, I feel like I failed my daughter by not taking her in the night before. For discounting her pain for the next 36 hours. For pushing down my concern at her intermittent fever. For attributing her sallow complexion to not eating for a couple days.
I should have done better.
I'm so sorry, Hazel.
You are so beautiful and so good.
You are far stronger and braver than I gave you credit for.
Please forgive my weaknesses and stupidity.
Please know that there is no price so high that I wouldn't pay it to see you happy and healthy.
You amaze me with your strength and kindness and and gentleness.
I feel I don't deserve you, but thank you for being so forgiving as I stumble my way so clumsily through motherhood.
Thank you for the example that you set for me.
You and your sisters are my greatest gift.
I love you with my whole heart.
I'm so sorry that so much of the time I don't know what I'm doing or how to do it.
12 hours ago, after a second visit to the pediatrician in as many days, Hazel and I were sent to the hospital for a CT scan and it was quickly determined that she had a ruptured appendix. She was immediately prepped for and underwent a laparoscopic surgery to remove the offender and the resulting infection. She and I will be spending the next couple of days here in the hospital as she recovers.
8 comments:
if only, if only there were a guide- to tell us how to be the mothers we should be. i have been struggling so much with this lately. feeling inadequate. feeling a failure. feeling so under-capable of raising the spirits God has entrusted me with. good luck the next few days. do not be so hard on yourself. hazel is in our prayers and we love you guys
She is going to love seeing those cute pictures! LOL!
I'm so sorry this happened to you and your family!!! BUT I'm so glad she's doing better. :)
You are a wonderful mom. Don't EVER tell yourself otherwise. ♥♥♥
Aw, she's even cute all drugged up and in the hospital. Get better soon Hazel!! We will pray for you. Oh a Mother's guilt. Something we all have to deal with because none of us know how to do this! Love you Rachel. I think you are an amazing mother. Don't beat yourself up to much!
My guess is at one point or another every mother walks through a time when she feel immense guilt for her inadequacies as a mother. It is probably a part of life- a part of that refining process to help us truly come to Christ- to truly rely on him and trust that he can make up the difference. I know he can. He can heal your dear little Hazel and take that burden of guilt from your sweet loving shoulders. You are an amazing mother. I love you tons and will be thinking and praying for you.
Being a Mom is hard work. We second guess ourselves a lot, sometimes. You are still a great Mom and you shouldn't feel guilty!! You should sue the pediatrician for not recognizing the symptoms. Make him feel guilty. He's the one that should REALLY know the signs!!
But, you got her to the hospital and taken care of! You are a good mom and you know no matter what she will always LOVE you!:) I'm glad she got taken care of!
I never know what to say or give good advice for that matter. But I know that if it weren't for Heavenly Father's love, guidance and forgiveness, I don't know how my children have survived thus far. I could really use a manual.
You are a great mother and we all know it, especially your beautiful girls. They are so blessed.
I'm glad Hazel is recovering well. It is a scary thing to have to go through.
I miss you and love you! XO
rachel, you rock! your girls are lucky to have you as a mom. Sorry you are kickin' it in the hospital... hopefully it goes smoothly and she feels better soon!!!
okay, this is the 3rd time trying for a comment here!
rachel,
i have felt those feelings of guilt....in fact, the first two years as a mother i pretty much lived in those feelings. guilt....second-guessing....and inadequacy. from seizures to spinal meningitis to cerebral palsy--well, you know the story. it is so hard to know what is "best" when we're constantly placed in situations where it's our first time to go through it. but there were many nights lying in those hellacious plastic hospital chairs, wondering if i could have done more, my heart breaking with the thought that i was possibly the cause of some very un-necessary pain inflicted upon my innocent little child. should i have pushed harder? ignored the "it's just a virus" or "it's just colic" comment? but i didn't know any better, and reminding myself of that helps me let go of the guilt that used to weigh me down.
i've learned a lot from those experiences, and the biggest, most important thing i've learned is that for the most part, i have NO control, over anything or anyone. learning how to surrender to God's will, pray my guts out to be close to his guidance and do my best and let him carry me through it is the only way i could make it through the anxiety that sprang from my first 2 years in motherhood.
and that's what you did here, your BEST. you're not a specialist, and have no prior history of kids with ruptured appendixes.
this is where God's Grace comes in, my wonderful friend. He swoops in when it is needed, when we're out on a limb. we are not perfect, and He knows that. so we're placed in situations that are a constant reminder of our imperfections and when we're humbled and turn to Him to ask for help is when we can rely on His mercy and compensatory blessings to make up where we are lacking. your beautiful little girl is in your hands, and you are in His, exactly where you need to be. hazel sounds like she has been so brave and amazing through this, and so have you. you are such a wonderful person and mother and i just love you so.
yes this is a tangent and i will stop now. :)
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