Screwy

Gosh. I so want to write something fun - but I'm just not feeling it. Maybe I'm just not fun anymore.

I'm so tired of sounding and feeling like an old, boring, depressing, broken record . . . .

. . . . but you know what? This is MY blog. Besides, nobody reads it anymore anyway, so what the heck? Let my depressing emotions fly!

{{As an aside, I can remember when Nels was in college still and he came home and told me about "online journals" or "web logs" and I thought that was the stupidest darn thing I'd ever heard of. Who on earth would be so narcissistic that they would think that anyone on the internet would want (or even deserve) to read their private thoughts . . .  :) }}

So I've spent the better part of today feeling sorry for myself --- well, technically, that's not true. I've spent the better part of today running errands and trying to organize things in such a way that we could complete all the things that needed to be done --- but in between, while driving, cooking, doing the dishes and laundry, I've been feeling sorry for myself. Then tonight I spent the last hour browsing through old blog posts.

Not really THAT old, but from more than a year ago.
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I read through last July and August and I can hear the anxiety that started building. In many ways, I feel like I'm still on that crazy roller coaster. Feeling pretty weird and lost.

Then I go back even one month earlier, to last June, and I'm like a different person. Happy and fun and content.

And I miss myself.

And it's really weird. Really. REALLY weird.

And it feels like so long ago.

I think it's fairly safe to say that this past year has probably been the hardest of my entire life.

With so many huge life changes all coming to a head at the same time and then so many things (some of which I've never even shared here) not really going the way I expected them to go . . . It's been a really challenging year for me. personally.

In many ways, (as always seems to be the case) it's been one of the best years of my life. We've had more time together as a family than we've probably ever had. We've experienced so many wonderful and new things. It has been such a joy and I have daily thought of how blessed we are and how I'd do it all again.

I guess the real kicker is . . . ME.

As a family, we're doing wonderful and we are SO happy.

But, I still feel kind of lost. Kinda disconnected and often alone.

And that's really hard for me to admit.

I've realized about myself that I don't like to openly talk about things that I'm really struggling with. If it's something that is challenging, but I've got a handle on it - something that I've got a plan for - then I'm good. I can discuss and joke even. But I have a really difficult time sharing things that are really scary and hard for me. It's hard for me to share the things that are real insecurities.

This last year has left me feeling very insecure in many ways. Like I just don't know who I am right now.

And I don't like it.

I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss many things about our old life. I miss Home. I miss Me.

Outside my sweet family, I still don't feel like there is anyone here that really knows me.

Don't get me wrong. I've not been some crazy recluse for the past 12 months or anything. Our ward is amazing! I've made some friends, attended activities and beach days, served in my fabulous church calling ---- but real friendships take time and effort. And with all that this year has thrown at us (not to mention having five VERY small children) it's been difficult for me to even gather myself together enough to have anything to present to anyone else - let alone anything to offer.

{breathe}

I really just need to get out of the house more often. I need to . . . .

oh. whatever.

I could come up with a long list of things I need to do. All I'm really trying to say is - I just feel a little lost. Still. And it bothers me. I miss the person that I was and I'm having a really hard time finding her again.

Screw what I should do about it.

At least for tonight.