Time Keeps on Tickin' . . .

My goodness. Life just keeps ticking right along, doesn't it?

We've been here for more than a month now. I can't believe it. Life is so strange. With each big change in our lives, I always find myself feeling as if somehow it's always been this way -- and at the same time every once in a while getting a reality check and feeling like, "How on Earth did we GET HERE???"

In some ways, we're settling right in. Everything feels natural. Everything feels as it should.

Then, sometimes I close my eyes and I can see my home. My garden - that I put hours and hours of loving sweat into, my kitchen, my living room, my shower - with it's happy glass tiles . . . my friends, my fish, my cat . . . my street, my neighbors. And it hurts a little bit. Most of them are not big things, just all those little things that when you add them up, they are your home. Most of which you've spent hours upon hours - years - loving and working in, on, with. Sometimes before falling asleep, as I close my eyes I pretend that I am in my old bedroom and I envision all of the steps to go to the kitchen. I envision my children coming into my room in the morning and me waking up and making them breakfast.

It's all still there. Waiting for me. (with the exception, of course, of the most essential part - those precious people filling that home - which is the reason why I'm here!)

And I think that's the hardest thing for me. We haven't been able to close up that part of our lives yet. And I still yearn for home. Even scrolling through my blog, seeing pictures of our lives there . . . it hurts my heart.

For me, there is something spiritual about creating a home. I can't even express the depth of my feelings that I have for the home that we made in Idaho Falls. It's been hard to not have that here and hard to think that maybe (due to the odd housing market of Sandpoint) we won't have our own home again for a long time.

In the weeks following our move up here, we finally hired a realtor to sell our house. Sometimes I think that we should have just done that to begin with, but then I remember the feelings that I had then and know that the timing wasn't right yet. I don't know why. Maybe there is someone very specific that needs our house . . . and they weren't ready yet. Who knows? But I feel very good about the steps that we've taken and feel very optimistic that the house will sell - as does our realtor. Hopefully soon. It's in the Lord's hands.

We are in the Lord's hands.

And that's what I'm realizing more and more.

There is a little part of my heart that is still in Idaho Falls - and I don't know if I'll be able to let that go until the house is sold and we can close up that chapter of our lives - but my soul is here. With those that I love the most.

Over the course of that past few months, I've gone through every emotion I can imagine. It's been exhausting, to say the least. I'm going to leave it at simply saying that I like things "my way." I cruise along through life pretty happily when things are going my way. I will go to great lengths to have things be comfortable for ME. And when I can't MAKE circumstances bend to my will, my goodness, I have a difficult time of it - inside. I've seen this part of me before and I tell you, I do NOT like it. Thankfully, the Lord is merciful. He helps me to recognize the road I'm on. And helps me to realize that there is another path.

As I was talking (venting) to my sweet cousin Amber a few weeks ago, I was . . . frustrated. Frustrated with circumstances and frustrated with myself. Recognizing that things are good in our lives (SO GOOD!), but just really feeling turned upside down. I realized that EVERYTHING in my life has changed in the last two months. I listed off to her all the things that were different:
my body
my family
our home
our job
our city
our friends
our ward
our climate
our elevation :)
our schools
our time zone
my hormones!


ME


All of those things are fine - most of them fabulous! But . . . it's just a lot.
I then said the words, "I feel so overwhelmed and lost. I just feel like there's no constant in my life right now!" And in that moment, I realized that I was right. The one thing that should be my constant, my relationship with the Lord, I had allowed to change too. Because of my pride and frustration, I hadn't been turning to my Heavenly Father for the peace and constancy that I was desperately in need of.

It's taken me some time, but I'm finding what I was looking for - what I had allowed to slide. And it's so amazing to me how gracious the Lord is in his forgiveness and mercy. I turn to him and he immediately blesses me. I've been able to find the comfort that I was looking for. I am happy here. There are a lot of things that are still uncertain and I'm still a bit homesick at times, but I am happy and I genuinely know that my Heavenly Father is taking care of my family. All will be as it should be and HE is and will continue to provide what our family needs.

Things are good. So very good. And we have been incredibly blessed through all of the craziness of our lives these past few months. And I guess that's where we're going to go from here. I'm going to record all of the goodness that we've experienced in the past month and all that will continue to come. I'm so excited to share it with you!