About Bees

A friend of mine asked me the other day where this video was. I then spent about an hour searching through my blog, because I was sure that I'd posted it on here, but to no avail.

So if I did, I'm going to repost it and if I didn't, shame on me. Because I still think this is my favorite family video that we have.

Two and a half years ago my dramatic little Lilie got stung by a bee. It was traumatic.



Post edit: I found it. But I'm still reposting this anyway. Because it makes me laugh. Hard.

Home Bodies

 
Life just keeps on ticking right away. 

It is so strange.

I just spent a little bit of time searching through my blog - quickly scanning and scrolling through the years. Turn by turn watching the lives of my children roll past.

Bam! Clara's not there.

Bam! Violet's not there.

Wham-o! and I'm looking at the sweet face of my baby Elsie who is just learning to sit by herself. My itty bitty Hazie with a pretty pink leotard and ballet slippers on and tiny Lilie's got my lipstick smeared across her lips and up to her ears.

We just bought our home. I walk through the pages and see all our hard work. All the love put into it and all the love felt within its walls.

I am overwhelmed.

I looked into the face of my darling baby Clara tonight. I kissed her little cheeks and blew raspberries on her busy little legs. She is just learning to squeal and laugh. Nels and I laugh with her. She is adorable. So often lately as I am holding her I snuggle her up just a little bit tighter and try to burn that moment so deeply into my memory that it won't ever leave. Because I know that this moment will pass. She will grow. So slowly that I won't notice, but so quickly that I'll hardly remember what happened in between. And I know I won't remember. There are vague glimpses in my mind of my other girls being so tiny, but they are not vivid. They are not clear. Just shadows.

And it hurts my heart just a little bit that I can't have it all -- all the time before me. To feel that past and to love the present. I want it all and it's not fair that I can't.

I watched my children tonight.

Hazel - right on the cusp of shooting into her "tweens" (such a stupid word, but it classifies those children that are no longer 'little'), stirring a pan of stroganoff on the stovetop. Dancing for a moment with her Daddy. She's getting so tall and so beautiful and amazes me daily with her goodness and willingness to help.

Lilie - sitting at the table folding bits of paper into swans for her younger sister. She is so meticulous. The handwriting papers that she brings home from school are so precise and clean. She finishes her math in no time flat. She laughs loud and makes up silly names for the crazy meal that Nels made the other night - "Stroganator" is my favorite.

Elsie lay on the couch her head propped on the armrest with the glow of the iPod illuminating her darling face, playing some silly bowling game. Sitting so quietly and happily. I tell her that she's so little and she laughs. I tell her that I love her and I'll love her even when she's big. She laughs again and says she loves me, too. "Elsie, can you stay little forever? Please?" Laughing, "No." Me, "Why not?" Giggling, "Because I want to grow big and be a mom."

Nels calls me from the kitchen, "Rachel, you'd better see this." He is standing at the foot of the couch. I walk over and see Elsie is still there, but Violet has crawled up next to her, laid down beside her - with their heads touching, she watches Elsie's game. She has the softest and sweetest little toddler body. Laying there in her diaper, snuggled next to her sister. I could kiss and cuddle that girl all day. She is what every toddler should be.

Why can't I have it all? Why can't I live in this moment and all the others, too? It's not fair.

I read through my words from yesteryear and can remember who I was then. I am amazed at how funny I am sometimes. Ha! I was so clever and it feels so effortless. Ha ha! Who is that girl? Where did she go? Will I ever see her again?

I miss Home.

I miss Idaho Falls. I miss my family and friends. But it's not really that. In most ways, I'm coming past that kind of "homesick" feeling. What I miss is HOME. This apartment isn't home. I am a home.maker. I want Home. It makes me feel lost and not quite certain what to do with myself without it.

I just hope that when I get to the end of whatever process we're in right now, I can also find the rest of me there waiting to be reunited.

I know that this post is all over the place. Somehow everything that I've written is connected, I'm just not sure where.

Maybe my blog is my way of finding all those different parts of myself, so I can see them and bring them all together eventually. Maybe it's my way of being able to have the past and the present. To be able to live in all these memories. for just a moment. And that's why I need to record them.

How to Train You Children . . .

. . . to Ask for Impossible Christmas Gifts

Something I really love for Christmas is to have homemade gifts. I love to make stuff, so what could be better than making stuff for my own children?

Besides, there's just something about the personalization that I'm really, really drawn toward. If I had the time, I would honestly make gifts for everyone I love. I just love things to be personal.

Last year, I was finishing up the last of my Christmas shopping with Lilie at Walmart and for funzies, we walked down the toy aisle. There, on the end of one shelf, there was a display of stuffed "How to Train Your" dragons. About 8 inches tall and sorta cute, I guess.

Lilie has been IN LOVE with the movie since it came out. She already had a soft place in her heart for dragons (my older girls - especially - are a little unusual like that, if you hadn't noticed), so this movie just blew it into full-fledged obsession. Because I seem to be unable to control my mouth, I pointed them out to her - thinking that it would be really fun to find a little Toothless for her stocking or something. She was definitely interested and instantly asked if she could get one. I told her maybe Santa Claus could bring her one. As I looked through them, they had about every dragon BUT Toothless (of course) but I figured that one of the other many stores in town would have one --- or at the very least, I'd be able to find one online with plenty of time to get it by Christmas.  From then on, that was Lilie's one Christmas request. A stuffed Toothless. I'm so S.M.R.T.

Over the next couple days, I looked in every store. They were totally sold out of Toothless. I looked online. I love online Christmas shopping. But wouldn't you know it, this $10.00 toy from Walmart - made of cheap fabric and substandard stitching, not to mention kind of ugly design - was not to be found online for anything less than SIXTY DOLLARS. Plus shipping! Supply and demand, people. Ridiculous. There was just no way that I could pay 6 times as much for this kind of ugly little toy that would probably fall apart within a few weeks anyway.

However, as I was searching the internet for a "plush Toothless" I came across an interesting website. Some brilliantly talented and geeky person out there had been so in love with this movie that they actually designed and made their very own Toothless and then was generous enough to take the time to share their pattern with others. Bless those sweet little weirdy people out there who love cartoons.

I couldn't help myself. I just had to make one for my Lilie. (Now who's weirdy, right?)

Little did I know the hours and hours of work that this endeavor would entail. Not terribly difficult and incredibly inexpensive to make, but definitely time consuming. As I was cutting and sewing and sculpting and manipulating and stuffing and stitching, I kept wondering in the back of my mind if there were any way that I would consider making these to sell. After seeing the outrageous price for that laughably cheap little dragon from Walmart, one could imagine that you could turn quite a profit on these babies.

However. All things considered, there is no way I would make one of these for anything except love. It's just too detailed and time consuming that it would be difficult to make it worth your time for anything except the pure love of the one you're making it for.

That being said, it was worth every painstakingly tedious moment for this look on my daughter's face.

And truthfully, I like tedious little things. Especially when they're appreciated. :)

And boy has this guy been appreciated!

This toy has been hands down the absolute most played with toy we have ever had in our house. He has been played with every single day for over a year.

So, you see? Each and every single one of those painstaking stitches was worth it. (And have held up! Hooray!!!)

The last year has done nothing to diminish the obsession with cute cuddly dragons in our home. With a house full of girls, it's still surprising to me how much they love them, but they do and they come up with all sorts of fun stories and games with them. When they draw, they often draw dragons. When they play with Legos, they make little Lego dragons.

They've even created new, favorite dragons for each child. Hazel has invented a dragon named Clover and they invented one for Elsie named Purpleberry. :) I honestly don't think that Elsie would be naturally inclined to love these creatures as much if it weren't for Hazel and Lilie, but I'm glad that they have a fun game they all enjoy playing together.

So when I was thinking through Christmas gifts for this year, I decided that even though it would be an enormous undertaking, I was going to make some more dragons for my girls. While I wasn't going to make a new big one for Lilie (as she still loves the original Toothless) I was able to find a smaller and slightly simpler pattern on the same website and decided to make a baby dragon for her.

I think they are just so cute with their little clay eyes. Sculpey is fun stuff.

Purpleberry

Clover

Razzleberry

A year later, this little guy is a little pilly (which sorta ticks me off - as I was careful to buy anti-pill fleece) and has a chipped eye, but is still so loved.

Thanks little dragons for being my girls' buddies.

Christmas 2011

Christmas this year was lovely.

Christmas Eve day, I was still working on some finishing details for some presents --- feeling a little overwhelmed, but hopeful. ;) Somehow, without our volunteering, it was our family's turn to clean our church building so Nels took the girls to go give some holiday service while I stayed home sewing and crocheting with my Clarie.

We kept our candlelight Christmas Eve dinner relatively simple this year and enjoyed the evening together reading out of Luke, watching a couple Christmas videos from the LDS.org website, opening jammies, and then watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" together before sending the kids to bed. We let Elsie sleep with her older sisters in their bed and they were all so excited - but also very, very tired - so they went to sleep pretty quickly.

They were so cute all snuggled up together! As I went to check on them about half an hour later, they were all intertwined and happily snoozing away. I whispered happy Christmas wishes and love to each of them, kissing their darling little cheeks, and as I did so, Hazel smiled in her sleep. Nels and I asked her a couple of questions, to which she smiled or nodded or sleep-answered. It was so cute! and so funny. Adorable. I'm just the luckiest mom.

As Nels and I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" while we finished wrapping and preparing, it started snowing. It was such a beautiful and perfect night.

The next morning, I think I was just as excited for the kids to open their presents as they were, so we told the girls that they had to stay in bed until 6:30. At about that time, Clara woke up to eat and then by 6:45, the other girls were awake.

It was just such a fun and perfect morning.

Growing up, Christmas was always so amazing. My parents were excellent Santas and it was always magical. As a parent, I've realized that they set a pretty high standard and have tried very hard to recreate some of that for my own children. As a teenager, when most of my gifts were clothes that I'd picked out for myself :), clear through the time when I got married, Christmas lost some of it's excitement. I was always grateful and it was always fun, but it just wasn't the same as when we were little children. But I have to say, I think that Christmases now, with my own growing children are just as exciting to me as when I was a child myself. I love it. I love being a mom!

Violet and her WONDERPETS! :)

Lilie was SO excited for me to open a present that she'd bought for me at her school's Santa Store. For weeks she's been telling me that red diamonds are the rarest diamonds on earth . . .

One of the best gifts I've ever received. From a girl that loves her mama.

Elsie opening "Purpleberry".

And Hazel excited about her "Clover".

And all three girls with the Nightfurys. :) I love how Lilie looks a little blah. She was excited for her sisters to have a dragon so that all of them could play together, but you can see from her face that even though she still LOVES her own Toothless, she was a little sad she didn't have a new one also.

Don't worry. Her holiday woes were short-lived. :)

A BABY Nightfury! What could be more cute?

I can't even explain how excited I was to give these dragons to the girls. Nels was proud of me for being willing to put in so much work to make our girls' Christmas extra special and it was the most rewarding thing in the world to see their sweet little faces fill with excitement.

Last year, when I gave the original Toothless to Lilie (finally blogged about that a year later!), Nels had asked if I thought "Santa Claus" should give it to her. I answered with an quick and very firm, NO. There is NO. WAY. I would give the credit for so much happiness and hard work to a bunch of imaginary elves! These girls will know that their Mama did that just for them. Because I am able and because they are loved.

Santa Claus can take credit for gigantic lollipops and sugar cereal. :)

Violet and Elsie were very excited about their new dolly beds! So cute! That itty-bitty doll that Vi is tucking into that bed was a gift from Hazel. I love watching my little girl play with her little dollies. So fun!

It was such a fun Christmas morning.

After playing and relaxing for a bit, we ate breakfast and got ready to go to church. Our ward had a lovely combined service that was a simple musical program. I had an opportunity to sing a beautiful version of "Silent Night" in a quartet. It reminded me how much I love singing. Sometimes I forget.

I am so thankful this Christmas to my Heavenly Father for all that he has given me, most especially these sweet little people and my wonderful husband that bless my life with so much love and joy. I am so thankful to my Savior for giving me an opportunity to be with them forever. I'm so thankful for families.

"Mom, did you know that humans have HUGE brains? That's why we're omnivores."

Elsie has been feeding me all sorts of cool facts she's gleaned from Dinosaur Train.

I keep thinking I'm going to have something brilliant to say about the new year.

It's 2012. Twelve years since I graduated from high school. The year I turn 30. Our ten year anniversary. The year the world is going to end . . .

But you know what? All I can think about, day and night, is moving out of this apartment and into a house. It consumes my waking thoughts and keeps me from sleeping at night.

In college, there was one semester where I was taking two chemistry classes simultaneously. Chem 106 and Organic Chemistry. In a stroke of genius (probably at about 1:15 in the morning on the opening day of class scheduling), I decided that I should schedule both my Chem labs on the same day. So each Tuesday, between classes and labs, I had something like 8 hours Chemistry straight. Then I'd come home and study. Every Tuesday night, as I lay in bed, my mind would start to wander and somewhere between being awake and asleep, I'd start to visualize 3-dimensional models of organic molecules. Rotating them in my mind, seeing angles, and imagining how they would bond with other chemicals. (I know, I know. I'm awesome. :)

The last couple of weeks have been kind of like that.

However, instead of rotating 3-D organic molecules, I'm walking through house after house that we've looked at, imagining my furniture and the space and how we could use it. Would all our things fit? Would it flow comfortably? Would I feel crowded? Is it too little room? Too much? Did it have cable hook-ups? Where could I put my sewing machine? How would I cope with having a front yard of nothing but concrete? Would I get a dog? Would they let me remove the wallpaper? Do I WANT to remove wallpaper? Why would anyone put carpet in a bathroom? What would that driveway be like in the winter? What would the golfers think of my kids running onto the green while they're lining up their putt? On and on and on - 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning. Finally falling asleep, only to be woken up by Clara needing to eat again . . . and then purposefully trying to not think again before I get to fall back to sleep.

I'm so tired. And I'm so tired of thinking about it.

But I'm kind of compulsive like that. I've vowed to never play Tetris again for this very reason. Do any of you get Tetris Brain? :) I think I'm hard-wired to over-think things.

Hopefully, by Monday, we'll be able to make a decision. We're waiting for a couple of different landlords to let us know if they will accept some of our propositions. Things like replacing nasty carpet or accepting a couple hundred dollars less in rent.

I'm just really hoping that once we get some answers and make a decision, I'll be able to settle my mind and finally get some sleep again. ---- And that we'll be able to get somewhere with enough room to fill the whole summer with all of you coming to visit us here and play at the beach! :)