From the Back-Burner: Motherhood

I've spent some time this morning watching a 20/20 segment about Stephanie Nielson. I've talked about her before on my blog and have been following her story for the past 2 1/2 years or so.

Maybe because her story is so triumphant and tragic all at the same time, maybe because I love her sense of retro style and bright colors, maybe because she and I are so close in age - her children close to my own children's ages ---- I can sympathize with her.

Maybe it's just because her sister, Courtney, lives in the house that MY sister once lived in and I can remember sleeping a night in one of the rooms where her children now sleep and I can remember eating lunch in her notorious "green room". :)

*wink*

Regardless of the reason for my fascination, her story always moves me to tears and I am always impressed with her faith in a loving Father and with her love of family - of the everyday.

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The way my brain works, I seem to have random thoughts - many of which I don't have answers for - thoughts that are recurring. I don't have a category for them. I don't have a conclusion. So instead, my brain seems to file them to the "back-burner" where they stay for days, weeks, months, years . . .  Just sitting there, in the back, gathering information as I go about my merry way. Eventually, I find the right file. I find a way to have a more solid answer. I find a way to express them. And then they're not there "cooking" anymore . . . . at least for the time being. :)

My brain has been "cooking up" some thoughts on motherhood recently and watching Stephanie's interview this morning, finally brought things to a place where I felt like sharing.

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Mother's Day was last Sunday. For the second year in a row, Nels was dead sick. He was up most of the night puking - or feeling like he was dying on the bathroom floor. At 7:00 in the morning, Hazel brought me breakfast in bed. :) What a sweet girl. She made toast and poured Kool-Aid all by herself. :) What a darling daughter I have.

After thanking her, I went straight back to sleep.

I got up, dressed, made breakfast, got everybody ready. Nels was definitely not going to make it to church. He felt bad and said he was feeling "quite a bit better", but I knew that if he went to church, he'd be useless the whole rest of the day anyway, so I told him to just stay home with Violet.

Regardless of what I said I learned last year, I still went through much of the day on the verge of tears, mad at such a stupid holiday. Mad that I was at home cooking and cleaning instead of being able to drown my disappointment at a party for my own sweet mother - being held at my sister's home in Utah. I was mad at Nels for letting himself get sick. I was really mad that I couldn't just run away from my stupid feelings by taking my children up in the mountains for some fun (like I've done the past two Mother's Days), because it was rainy and cold and windy.

And I was most angry with myself for even feeling the way I was feeling.

I finally called my mom to tell her I loved her and to cry to her about what an idiot I was being. She did indeed confirm my idiocy and counseled me to stop whining and spend the rest of the day having fun with my kids - regardless of the weather.

By the time dinner was made, Nels was up and enjoyed it with us. He then proceeded to make ginger snaps for all of us, while I read "Aliens for Breakfast" to Hazel and Lilie.

It was good. I, once again, learned a few undesirable things about myself and I, once again, had some more things to simmer on my back-burner. :)

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I love being a mother. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I believe that being a wife and mother is my crowning glory in this life and the next. There is nothing so important as this role for me. 

I watched a documentary recently where one of the "experts" they were interviewing basically defined parenthood as a whole bunch of horrible, mixed with a few good moments. Leaving the parent with perhaps a day to day view of life as being generally difficult, discontent, and unrewarding, but an overall view of life with satisfaction because you have purpose.  - Generally, day to day life sucks. It's just when you step back, that you feel satisfied. - And for those people who have no children - generally their day to day lives feel very gratifying or satisfying, but when they looked at the overall picture of their lives, only then did they feel any discontentment.

*eye-rolling*

This "expert" on people and family life is not a father. How appropriate. I can see why he *thinks* what he's saying is true, but I want everyone who does or will ever read this post to know that what he thinks he knows is absolutely not true. Not true for me anyway.

I do not have a family and stay home each day cleaning and cooking and washing and caring - just so that I will have some vague sense of accomplishment only when I look at the "big picture" of my life. I find joy and satisfaction in each and every single moment of my life.

There are the days, like last Sunday, where it either actually is or just feels hard. But even then, I am still very happy with my life. There are moments I feel like a failure. There are moments where I feel like I'm drowning in the work and the difficulty of being a mother. But even in those moments, I know that what I am doing is right. That what I am doing is worthwhile. That I wouldn't give it up for all the riches, all the "accomplishments", all the praises or titles or degrees -- in all the world.

And it's not just because when I look back on my life, I'll be able to feel good. It's because I am doing exactly what I was made to do. To teach these sweet little people, to love them regardless of difficulty, to learn for myself how to harness my own selfishness and forgive my own failures. 

I learn to make a home. A place of safety. A place where the Spirit of the Lord can dwell. A place of beauty and learning. A place where it's okay to fail and it's safe to try again. A place where my children can see the gospel of Jesus Christ in action. A place where they can learn truth. And kindness. And Charity. Where they can learn that the "Plan of Happiness" that the Lord has in place for us - is really the Plan of Families.

It is here, in this home, in this family, that I am refined into the person I most want to be. I learn discipline unlike anything I've ever learned before. I learn that true joy and happiness come from following the commandments of God. I learn how to teach and how to learn. I learn freedom. I learn love. I learn how to serve. I learn that imperfection is okay. How to strive for something better, but being happy with the efforts that I make daily. I learn that real change takes TIME. A LONG time. :) And that's okay.

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I am not a perfect mother. 

But I know that I am the perfect mother for my children. That, for whatever reason, these children were sent to me. For me to teach them a thing or two and for them to teach ME even more. 

There is nothing I would rather have than my sweet family.

There is nothing I'd rather do more than be their mother.

And his wife.