January 2

Hmmmm. I don't know how I feel about all that 2015 holds.

FIFTEEN? years since I graduated high school? thirteen years since I met Nels? Hazel will turn 12? Lilie 10? Elsie will be 8 and baptized? Violet will start Kindergarten and my baby is going to turn FOUR?

I don't know how I feel about 2015...

One year ago exactly, we moved to Pullman. So while I've been looking ahead at this new year, I've spent even more time looking backward - sifting through to figure out what I've learned and what I'd like this new year to be. This post reminds me of why I haven't written much in the last few years: it's really hard to sift out what's relevant and true while so much change is taking place. It feels messy. This post is messy, but I'll try my best to write some things that are real.

New Year's Eve 2013 I spent the day alone. Nels and the girls had left two days earlier - his first day at the new job had been the 30th. Movers in and out all day and our things getting wrapped into random boxes. I was so exhausted physically and emotionally that I fell asleep repeatedly as I sat watching them, pretending to read a book and trying to stay out of the way. Afterward, I quickly finished cleaning our empty home and deposited our remaining keys in the rental office drop-box so that I could make the 3 hour drive down to Colfax to ring in the new year with my family.

I cried and cried as I crossed the Long Bridge. As our Sandpoint chapter closed.

Throughout the three hour, tear-filled, foggy drive from Sandpoint, I prayed. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for a new job, but I didn't like Pullman. It was hard for me to again leave years of social investment. We were going to be downgrading our living space again. And we were leaving beautiful Sandpoint for a windy, rolling, brown place. The year-round beauty of Sandpoint had carried me through the hardest years of my life. To leave was pain.

Just before dropping into the hollow where Tom and Tracy live, I turned off my car on the top of an impossibly quiet hill, far from city lights, surrounded by frozen fields, and just above the fog that had enveloped me the entire drive and I pleaded.

Please . . .

And the Lord answered. I cried and I know I was heard. I didn't get the feeling that this year would be simple or that all my worries would just fall away, but I knew that I had a Father that heard me and understood. And really, that's what I needed.

With my hand on the key and ready to cover the last mile of transition to our new lives, I looked up and saw the brightest falling star and I made a wish that this move would be good for us.

Has it been good? Yes, but - good does not always equal rainbows and butterflies. In fact, good usually equals Hard Work. Also, I don't think that one year is enough time to put into perspective all that's come with this move.

If I were to describe 2014 in a word, it would probably be: Disconnected.    

An uncomfortable feeling, but probably better than INSANE or CHAOTIC or FRUSTRATED which could have been used to describe previous years, so . . . there's that. :)

Two things I've learned and am going to be working on this coming year:

1. Being connected to the physical world around me is vitally important to my emotional health. In Sandpoint, this was SO EASY. Every season was beautiful and there was always something to explore. I long for it and feeling this disconnect has really made me question whether or not Pullman can be our home forever. It's time for me to fall in love again. This year I plan to spend more time experiencing the area and finding us a place to live where we feel connected to the earth. No more Hobbit House in the ground - it's sucking the life out me.

2. Being connected to the people around me and finding ways to serve is vitally important to my emotional health. I would say that as an adult woman the single hardest thing about moving is losing a sense of place, of community - of someone knowing me and needing me. I don't want to be busy just for the sake of being involved. I don't want to be busy at all. No, I just want to feel needed - not to be a body filling a role, but to be Rachel doing what I do best (whatever that is). This is something that takes TIME and EFFORT and then more TIME. This year, I'm going to pray and then look for opportunities to serve and be connected. I need physical friends.


I don't exactly know how to wrap up this messy/weird post, but it's going to be a GOOD year. I can feel it.

I'm thankful for another year to grow and to watch my children grow. I'm looking forward to feeling more connected to the world and people around me, to my Nels and my kids, to my Heavenly Father and to myself.

Sick

Violet got sick. A fever and tired for days with no other symptoms. Now she's got a sore throat and Elsie is coughing. This morning I caught it and stayed home from Preston's grad party. I thought maybe Violet's brain kiss made me feel a little better, then I looked in the mirror and realized I was wrong. 

Friday's Fabulous Five

1. It's less than two weeks from Christmas and I've already finished ONE (x five) project on my "make" list. I even wrapped it (them). Now, only 7,000 more to go. :) In seriousness, I am nearly finished with five pj shirts and I'm feeling pretty awesome. 

2. I started a Book Club in my ward a few months ago. I'm so pleased with myself for pushing outside my comfort zone that I can hardly contain myself. This month we are reading "Little Women" - one of my all time favorites books. I was getting worried that it wouldn't get read, as I spend all my free evenings in front of the sewing machine, when I remembered that on one of the homeschool forums I read someone mentioned a site called Librivox, where there are free public domain audiobooks. Tonight I spent a decent chunk of time pinning, serging, and crying. What's not to love about a book that makes you cry with humility, sadness, joy, humor, and understanding?

3. Homeschool is going well and I'm so impressed with my own little women's progress. I struggle daily with mastering our rhythm and routine, but I expected that and life is a work in progress. My girls are starting to understand better the work of keeping our home running and help with their share with little complaining. The big girls are more than 70 lessons into their math book and Elsie can now read almost anything with a. Bit of work. I'll have to write more about it later, but despite being ready to lock myself in my room some days, it's going well and the girls enjoy it.

(the best helicopters and airplanes I've ever seen)

4. Lilie's arm and nerves are healing! Slowly, but it's happening. She's just started physical therapy and nearly cried when the PT massaged her elbow on Tuesday, however, he looks like Ben Affleck and I think she'd do just about anything he asked her to do. :)

5. We bought a fake, prelit tree. The Saturday after Thanksgiving, I spent the morning shut up in my bedroom weeping huge tears of failure and resignation. I was raging mad at Nels for bringing up the dry reminder of Christmas trees past and wept bitterly. An hour later, I emerged red-nosed and declared that I could not live another year of coniferous demise and bit the (truly) evergreen bullet. I love it and haven't been sad about it even once since. 

Goodbye, Baby

Well. I think we've made it.

We are past babyhood.

Potty training has been done for a while (we haven't bought diapers in probably two months, but I didn't want to jinx myself) and Clara can say her own name.

Goodbye, Cwawa.

I'm going to miss you more than you know.

(cue the tears)

How can you be so ready for something to end and yet want to go backward and start all over again at the same time? I honestly don't know that I'll ever feel like I don't want to have a little baby in my life. Especially MY little baby.

This is a hard time period for me. And I think it's going to last for . . . ever.

Dislocation

Last Monday, as my visiting teachers were over at our house, Lilie ran inside wailing,

"I BROKE MY BONES!!! I BROKE MY BONES!!! AHHHHH! HELP ME!!!"

As I looked at her arm, I could tell that something was definitely "off" and gingerly felt it, only to conclude that the entire bone felt out of place and she'd "just" dislocated her elbow. (You see, we've had prior experience with both broken arms AND dislocation, so I'm an expert now.)

If you like Lilie's "Bee Movie" from many years past, you should have been with us that afternoon. I sort of hate myself for the difficulty of keeping a straight face when my girl is in pain, but my goodness . . . she is something to behold.

"OH, WHY DID I DO THAT? I'M SO SAD I DID THIS! AAHHHHHHH! IT HURTS TO BAAD!!!"

Apparently, the girls had been playing on the swing set and trampoline and our resident dare-devil had made the carefully calculated decision that she could jump from the top of the slide to the trampoline . . . but had slipped before she even took flight. It's only about a four foot drop to the ground, but she landed right on her arm.

My visiting teachers were awesome and took the mayhem in stride (also having trouble keeping straight faces). We'd finished school and since we didn't have anywhere to go for the rest of the day, I was still in my fleecy "aztec-looking" leggings and an oversized hoodie. (Hot.) They told me that they could watch my kids while I took Lilie over to the Ready-Care. With that (miraculously) in hand, I told Lilie we would go straight there, I just needed to change into some "real pants". She yelled, "YOU DON'T NEED REAL PANTS!!!"

Hazel was very concerned about her sister, but the other girls are quite used to hysterics, so while I was quickly changing, they started playing and giggling. Lilie then yelled at them, "Oh! HOW CAN YOU BE HAPPY AT A TIME LIKE THIS??!"

Both properly dressed, Lilie and I made a speedy exit.

When Lilie was tiny, while playing with her daddy, she'd gotten "nursemaid's elbow" -- which is a very minor dislocation that can easily happen in toddlers. The remedy is fast and gives immediate relief. I was imagining this dislocation to be about like that.

We arrived at the Ready Care with Lilie practically screaming, where they deliberated for 25 minutes on whether or not they could "squeeze her in." About 5 minutes after we finally got into a room, a nurse decided we should just go down to the ER. (eye rolling)

All this time, I keep thinking, "How big a deal can it be? Pop that thing back in place and put the poor kid out of her misery! The ER? That seems excessive..."  Yes. I'm critical when I'm trying to not be worried.

Turns out REAL elbow dislocations ARE a big deal. Once we got into a room, they had to do an x-ray before all else. Had she broken anything, they would have just taken her into surgery. But, OH, the pain of positioning for those x-rays! She let everyone on that floor know that she was NOT HAPPY about moving her arm!

Poor girl. She was a wreck. She just kept saying, "Why is this happening to me? Why did I do this? AHHHHH! I can't do this anymore!!! My poor little arm!!!" She was given an IV (which she barely noticed) and administered morphine, which barely took the edge off the pain. They dimmed the lights and she started into a meditative "Oooooommmmm . . .."

With the IV and x-rays done, they were finally ready to put the bones back in place. Even with the morphine, she was going to be in a lot of pain, so they gave her a heavy dose of ketamine to drug her up and make her forget what happened next.

I was amazed at how hard they had to pull to get that humerus back in joint and SO thankful for modern medicine. After another x-ray they were able to splint and wrap.

This is my favorite picture of the night. She was SO out of it!
Her eyes were open, but no one was home. :)

All told, Lilie's elbow was out of place for close to 3 hours. She is one tough cookie -- even when she didn't think she could take anymore. It took her more than an hour to come around - with great hilarity in the process. Before she was verbal, she made some awesome faces.

And once she could talk . . . SO funny.

Lilie? Lilie. Do you know where we are?

"Uuuhhhhhhhhhhh. Yeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh . . . H, H, Hooooooooooo. Dooooooooooocc."

Yeah. We're at the hospital. The doctor fixed your arm.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrmmmmm. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrmmmmm. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmm . . . . "

Does it feel like your head is full of fluff?

"YeeaaaaAAAAAAAaaaaahhhhhh!"

All while her poor little pin-point eyes couldn't focus on anything!

"Moooooomm! You have twooo eyes!"

Lilie, I always have two eyes.  :)

"Ooooh! Yooou have FOOUR eyes!"


Then she started throwing up. Over and over. Darn morphine.


She was instructed to keep the splint on and report to the orthopedic surgeon in a week.

She's done well. The first five days, we were grateful for the hyrdocodone, but she's finally doing well with just some ibuprofen. Her elbow is still REALLY swollen and bruised and I've been extremely concerned that she still has very little feeling in three of her fingers. She can't bend her pointer finger or thumb at all.

At the ortho today we got a good understanding of why my concern is currently unfounded.

 ^^above^^ This is what her bones are supposed to look like (taken today).

^^ The above are the x-rays taken last Monday at the ER. ^^

Yikes!! Dr. Pennington said that to even dislocate your elbow, it has to tear the ligaments. With as badly as Lilie dislocated hers, all those tough little ligaments got shredded. She'll remain in this splint for at least another two weeks and then we'll reevaluate. Hopefully as the swelling goes down she'll regain feeling and mobility in her fingers. Until everything heals up, the risk of re-dislocation is high, so we'll only be doing some small bending exercises. Mostly just waiting.

Lilie with her customized sling at the ortho today. The size "small" sling we got from the hospital
was too small (the medium was too big) and the angle was all wrong with the splint,
so I made her a new one.
Of course her consolation monkey from the hospital had to have one too. :)

Hooray for some fun bathing days in the weeks ahead and a creative Halloween costume! :)